Read Online Colonel Brandon's Diary by Amanda Grange - Free Book Online
Authors: Amanda Grange
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told him everything.
‘And now I must find something to do with myself, or go mad,’ I finished.
‘You should join the army,’ said his uncle.
It turned out he had some influence and he promised to help me if I had a mind to enlist.
‘I have a little money from my mother,’ I said. ‘How much would it cost me to buy a commission?’
He gave me all the particulars and I saw that it could be done.
‘You will have activity, employment and company,’ he said, ‘all good things for a man in your condition.’
I began to see a future for myself; not the future I had wanted, but one in which I could at least be respectable and respected.
It was little enough, but it was better than the alternative, to spend my days sunk in despair, lost in the past, a past to which I could never return.
And so I thanked him, and asked him to use his influence, and now, who knows what the future holds?
Tuesday 6 October
‘It was a bad business, a very bad business,’ said Leyton, shaking his head, as we met again for the first time in months, in Oxford, an Oxford changed for me for ever, for it was no longer the scene of youthful hopes, but the scene of a fool’s paradise.
I told him what had happened to me.
‘I wondered why you had changed your mind about the lodgings,’ he said, ‘but when your letter arrived two months ago, I was too busy to wonder very much, and I am only sorry the reason was such a sad one. I can understand why you did not feel you could continue at Oxford, but whatever induced you to buy a commission?’
I could not help thinking that if things had been otherwise, our conversation would not have been about my plan of going into the army, it would have been about the lodgings he had found for Eliza and me, and our future in Oxford.
‘I had to do something,’ I said. ‘I thought the bustle of a new career would distract my thoughts, but I still think about her constantly. I cannot stay in England, and I plan to purchase an exchange.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘The Indies. Once I am far away, I must hope to forget her, as I must hope she forgets me.’
He looked at me doubtfully.
‘I must hope she forgets me,’ I said. ‘How else can there be any happiness for her? If she remembers what we were to each other and compares it with what she has now . . . But if Harry treats her well, if she has friends and fine clothes and parties, with plenty of distractions, I am persuaded she can be happy in her new life.’
He looked at me pityingly, for he knew I believed it as little as he did.
But Eliza was married. She was beyond my reach. If I went to her, I would dishonour her, and so I must go far away.
‘Give it some time before you purchase your exchange,’ he said. ‘You will grow more accustomed to the situation with time, and you will find a hundred miles as efficacious a distance as a thousand.’
‘I do not trust myself with only a hundred miles between us. I must have half the globe, or else what is to prevent me from going to her and ruining her? For to live without her is agony. I must have occupation, and change, and distance from Eliza.’
He looked at me sympathetically then turned the subject, trying to take my mind from my troubles by his lively conversation. I was grateful to him, but it did no good. I could not tear my thoughts from Eliza.
1779
Wednesday 24 March
And so I find myself on a ship bound for the Indies, and at last I have found my sea legs and I can manage to keep my food inside me. The vessel is an East Indiaman, and as fine a ship as ever sailed the seas, or so her captain tells me. He is a talkative fellow, prosperous and well-made, and instils confidence into those around him.
‘This is my fourth run,’ he told me as we stood together on the deck. ‘Yes, I’ve done very well out of the East India Company. I’ve had three good runs and amassed a fortune. How much do you think I have made?’
I guessed at five thousand pounds, and he
‘And now I must find something to do with myself, or go mad,’ I finished.
‘You should join the army,’ said his uncle.
It turned out he had some influence and he promised to help me if I had a mind to enlist.
‘I have a little money from my mother,’ I said. ‘How much would it cost me to buy a commission?’
He gave me all the particulars and I saw that it could be done.
‘You will have activity, employment and company,’ he said, ‘all good things for a man in your condition.’
I began to see a future for myself; not the future I had wanted, but one in which I could at least be respectable and respected.
It was little enough, but it was better than the alternative, to spend my days sunk in despair, lost in the past, a past to which I could never return.
And so I thanked him, and asked him to use his influence, and now, who knows what the future holds?
Tuesday 6 October
‘It was a bad business, a very bad business,’ said Leyton, shaking his head, as we met again for the first time in months, in Oxford, an Oxford changed for me for ever, for it was no longer the scene of youthful hopes, but the scene of a fool’s paradise.
I told him what had happened to me.
‘I wondered why you had changed your mind about the lodgings,’ he said, ‘but when your letter arrived two months ago, I was too busy to wonder very much, and I am only sorry the reason was such a sad one. I can understand why you did not feel you could continue at Oxford, but whatever induced you to buy a commission?’
I could not help thinking that if things had been otherwise, our conversation would not have been about my plan of going into the army, it would have been about the lodgings he had found for Eliza and me, and our future in Oxford.
‘I had to do something,’ I said. ‘I thought the bustle of a new career would distract my thoughts, but I still think about her constantly. I cannot stay in England, and I plan to purchase an exchange.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘The Indies. Once I am far away, I must hope to forget her, as I must hope she forgets me.’
He looked at me doubtfully.
‘I must hope she forgets me,’ I said. ‘How else can there be any happiness for her? If she remembers what we were to each other and compares it with what she has now . . . But if Harry treats her well, if she has friends and fine clothes and parties, with plenty of distractions, I am persuaded she can be happy in her new life.’
He looked at me pityingly, for he knew I believed it as little as he did.
But Eliza was married. She was beyond my reach. If I went to her, I would dishonour her, and so I must go far away.
‘Give it some time before you purchase your exchange,’ he said. ‘You will grow more accustomed to the situation with time, and you will find a hundred miles as efficacious a distance as a thousand.’
‘I do not trust myself with only a hundred miles between us. I must have half the globe, or else what is to prevent me from going to her and ruining her? For to live without her is agony. I must have occupation, and change, and distance from Eliza.’
He looked at me sympathetically then turned the subject, trying to take my mind from my troubles by his lively conversation. I was grateful to him, but it did no good. I could not tear my thoughts from Eliza.
1779
Wednesday 24 March
And so I find myself on a ship bound for the Indies, and at last I have found my sea legs and I can manage to keep my food inside me. The vessel is an East Indiaman, and as fine a ship as ever sailed the seas, or so her captain tells me. He is a talkative fellow, prosperous and well-made, and instils confidence into those around him.
‘This is my fourth run,’ he told me as we stood together on the deck. ‘Yes, I’ve done very well out of the East India Company. I’ve had three good runs and amassed a fortune. How much do you think I have made?’
I guessed at five thousand pounds, and he
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