Read Online Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) by Flann O’Brien - Free Book Online

Quite. Quite . . .
    REILLY: Begob, if you’re not coddin’ about going up you’ll have to look snappy. You haven’t much time left. You’ll have to get your committee goin’ and get good substantial men to nominate you, and get posters printed. And all that takes money—bags of money. Could you put your hands in you pocket for a thousand pounds?
    SHAW: ( Still thinking. ) I have the funds, old boy, I have the funds.
    SHAWN: Yerrah, sure Mr. Shaw has the stuff. I’d know that to take wan look at him.
    KELLY: Lord save us, the next thing you’ll see me doing is laughing. LAUGHING! ( He gives a long forced hollow guffaw. ) The idea of it! The idea of it!
    SHAWN: Yerrah, boy, if he wants to go up isn’t he entitled.
    KELLY: ( Half to himself. ) The idea of it! The idea! And something tells me that if this lunatic goes up, it certainly won’t do me any harm. Listen, Shawn . . .
    ( He goes over and begins to converse sotto voce with SHAWN . The only audible portion of the latter’s replies is the phrase ‘I do, I do. ’)
    REILLY: ( Rubbing his hands together. ) Begob, do you know, Mr. Shaw, I think you’re the man we’re all looking for. I think you’d be a good match for all the political rogues we have in this bloody country. I think you’d know how to down-face the bastards and clean up all this dirty jobbery and back-door stuff.
    SHAW: I’m Irish, anyhow—born within two miles of this town.
    REILLY: ( To SHAW , confidentially. ) Listen here, Mr. Shaw. You say you’re Irish and that you come from this part of the country. Well, you speak like a man that spent a long time across the water. Tell me this. Maybe you changed your colours like a lot more when you were over there. The people here wouldn’t like that at all. Are you an R.C. still or did you learn to dig with the wrong foot?
    SHAW: Don’t be an ass, old man. I was born a Roman Catholic, and please God when I am called I will still be a Roman Catholic.
    REILLY: ( Loudly and jubilantly. ) Ah, well, that’s all right. If you’re an R.C., that’s all right. That’s grand. Grand.
    CULLEN: Are you seriously going up or is all this a joke?
    REILLY: Of course he’s going up.
    SHAW: I haven’t the pleasure of your acquaintance nor do I know your name, sir, but I may——
    REILLY: Cullen. His name is Cullen. Tom Cullen and he’s not the worst.
    SHAW: Ao. Mr. Cullen? ( Bowing. ) Glad to meet you, I am sure. I may tell you this much, Mr. Cullen. I am going up for election. Even if I never took my seat and never attended a single meeting of the Irish House of Commons in Dublin, I would still be doing the people of this country a great service. Do you know why?
    REILLY: Why?
    SHAW: Because by presenting myself for the election I would be saving them from that ruffian ( his voice rises and he points at KELLY ) —that impostor of a publican. No matter how it is done or what it costs me, I will save the people from that gentleman.
    REILLY: ( Cynically. ) Good man yourself. Well spoken!
    ( KELLY has begun to glare at SHAW angrily and now walks over to confront him. )
    SHAWN: The blood is up. The election blood is up. I do, I do. ( Pause. )
    KELLY: God in His mercy has so far given me the grace to keep my temper and I do not intend to lose it now. The golden virtue of control—control of self—is a thing I have always endeavoured to practise. I intend to persevere in that. I will not let a person of your type deflect me from that purpose. But this much I will say. This much I will permit myself. In a lifetime extending over a period close on fifty years I have never had the misfortune to encounter a person who is a greater pup, a greater bags, than yourself. You have the effrontery to talk of your sister’s money. Not one penny of that have I ever touched. Not one penny of it could I ever bear to touch. WHAT YOU SAY IS A DAMNED LIE!
    SHAW: It is the truth, you rotter, and you know it!
    KELLY: But what is more important is why you are so interested in your