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Authors: Alan Zweibel
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make it is Davey Kent. Heâs entertaining on a cruise, so he wonât be back till Tuesday.
âWhat are those cruises like?
âThey fly you down to Miami, you get on the boat, you visit the islands, and you just have to do two shows.
âOn the boat?
âYeah. And all of your accommodations are taken care of. Itâs not too bad. The moneyâs okayâespecially if you can pick up a night or two playing one of those condominiums before you fly back from Miami.
âYou donât do those cruises though, do you?
âMe? No. Itâs not a career move. You know what I mean?
âSure.
âI used to do them, when the kids were younger. Weâd take them with us, and thatâd be our vacationâ¦. Hey, can I get you another drink?
âNo, thanks. Iâm okay.
âLen Bernieâs funny, isnât he?
âHe was the one who was making the jokes about everyoneâs gifts, right?
âAinât he a riot? He does that at every party. Itâs like a ritual. Do you realize that people buy presents and actually try to predict what Len is going to say about them?
âGodâ¦
âThatâs right. If he were only that funny onstage. For years weâve been trying to convince him that he should do some material about gifts and gift giving, but itâs like talking to a wall. Thatâs his son over there. Vale. Good-looking kid, isnât he?âVale?
âYeah. He goes with my daughter Leslie. For about two years now.
âVale Bernie?
âWell, actually his last name is Katzenbaum. Len calls himself Len Bernie as a stage name.
âVale Katzenbaum? What kind of a name is that?
âOh, itâs a long story. But in a nutshell what happened was that Len, who was struggling for years as an unknownâthis was in the early sixtiesâwas asked to be the opening act for Jerry Vale when Jerry went into the Copa. Jerry Vale was a real big star back thenânow heâs probably just a nameâbut at that time he was playing Vegas and headlining in the biggest nightclubs, so this was like a real big break for Len because it could give him all sorts of exposure he never had before.
âUh-huh.
âSo Len opens for Jerry, and heâs a big hit. He just killed âem. I remember there was this big party afterward, Sinatra was there, Dean Martin, Sammyâall of Jerryâs friends as well as Len and his wife, Sylvia, who was pregnant at the time. Well, you know how those parties getâI think it was at Toots Shorâsâand everyoneâs having a great time, and Jerry comes up to Len and hugs him and says that he was great and that he wants Len to open for him when he goes into Vegas and when he tours that summer. Well, Len was beside himself. He picked up the tab for the party, and a few days later, when Sylvia gave birth, they named the baby Vale.
âWhy didnât they just name him Jerry?
âWell, Len wanted Jerry to know that the baby was really named after him and not Jerry Van Dyke, who was also a good friend of Lenâs.
âHow did the tour go?
âHe didnât get it. We all told Len that you canât count on anything in this business until the contracts are signed, but you know how Len has a tendency to get carried away. So how are you doing?
âFine. The showâs still going strong, but Iâm starting to get a little bored with sketch writing. I think Iâd like to tryâ¦
âSure. Hey, you know what I need isâ¦Iâm sorry, I thought you were finished.
âWell, I was just saying that Iâd like to try my hand at writing something more challenging than a sketch. My dream is to write a movie and have it directed by someone like Coppola.
âWho?
âFrancis Ford Coppolaâ¦. He did
The Godfather.
âOh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heâs a clever kidâ¦. You know, thatâs what I wanted to talk to you about.
âWhatâs
âWhat are those cruises like?
âThey fly you down to Miami, you get on the boat, you visit the islands, and you just have to do two shows.
âOn the boat?
âYeah. And all of your accommodations are taken care of. Itâs not too bad. The moneyâs okayâespecially if you can pick up a night or two playing one of those condominiums before you fly back from Miami.
âYou donât do those cruises though, do you?
âMe? No. Itâs not a career move. You know what I mean?
âSure.
âI used to do them, when the kids were younger. Weâd take them with us, and thatâd be our vacationâ¦. Hey, can I get you another drink?
âNo, thanks. Iâm okay.
âLen Bernieâs funny, isnât he?
âHe was the one who was making the jokes about everyoneâs gifts, right?
âAinât he a riot? He does that at every party. Itâs like a ritual. Do you realize that people buy presents and actually try to predict what Len is going to say about them?
âGodâ¦
âThatâs right. If he were only that funny onstage. For years weâve been trying to convince him that he should do some material about gifts and gift giving, but itâs like talking to a wall. Thatâs his son over there. Vale. Good-looking kid, isnât he?âVale?
âYeah. He goes with my daughter Leslie. For about two years now.
âVale Bernie?
âWell, actually his last name is Katzenbaum. Len calls himself Len Bernie as a stage name.
âVale Katzenbaum? What kind of a name is that?
âOh, itâs a long story. But in a nutshell what happened was that Len, who was struggling for years as an unknownâthis was in the early sixtiesâwas asked to be the opening act for Jerry Vale when Jerry went into the Copa. Jerry Vale was a real big star back thenânow heâs probably just a nameâbut at that time he was playing Vegas and headlining in the biggest nightclubs, so this was like a real big break for Len because it could give him all sorts of exposure he never had before.
âUh-huh.
âSo Len opens for Jerry, and heâs a big hit. He just killed âem. I remember there was this big party afterward, Sinatra was there, Dean Martin, Sammyâall of Jerryâs friends as well as Len and his wife, Sylvia, who was pregnant at the time. Well, you know how those parties getâI think it was at Toots Shorâsâand everyoneâs having a great time, and Jerry comes up to Len and hugs him and says that he was great and that he wants Len to open for him when he goes into Vegas and when he tours that summer. Well, Len was beside himself. He picked up the tab for the party, and a few days later, when Sylvia gave birth, they named the baby Vale.
âWhy didnât they just name him Jerry?
âWell, Len wanted Jerry to know that the baby was really named after him and not Jerry Van Dyke, who was also a good friend of Lenâs.
âHow did the tour go?
âHe didnât get it. We all told Len that you canât count on anything in this business until the contracts are signed, but you know how Len has a tendency to get carried away. So how are you doing?
âFine. The showâs still going strong, but Iâm starting to get a little bored with sketch writing. I think Iâd like to tryâ¦
âSure. Hey, you know what I need isâ¦Iâm sorry, I thought you were finished.
âWell, I was just saying that Iâd like to try my hand at writing something more challenging than a sketch. My dream is to write a movie and have it directed by someone like Coppola.
âWho?
âFrancis Ford Coppolaâ¦. He did
The Godfather.
âOh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heâs a clever kidâ¦. You know, thatâs what I wanted to talk to you about.
âWhatâs
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