Read Online Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Terry Pratchett
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peacocks.
Say something to him! Perdita screamed within.
“Wstfgl?” said Agnes. Behind her, Mightily Oats had got up and was inspecting the food suspiciously.
“I beg your pardon?”
Agnes swallowed, partly because Perdita was trying to shake her by the throat.
“He does look as if he’s about to flap away, doesn’t he,” she said. Oh, please, don’t let me giggle…
The man snapped his fingers. A waiter hurrying past with a tray of drinks turned through ninety degrees.
“Can I get you a drink, Miss Nitt?”
“Er…white wine?” Agnes whispered.
“No, you don’t want white wine, the red is much more…colorful,” he said, taking a glass and handing it to her. “What is our quarry doing now…ah, applying himself to a biscuit with a very small amount of pâté on it, I see…”
Ask him his name! Perdita yelled. No, that’d be forward of me, Agnes thought. Perdita screamed, You were built forward, you stupid lump—
“Please let me introduce myself. I’m Vlad,” he said, kindly. “Oh, now he’s…yes, he’s about to pounce on…yes, a prawn vol-au-vent. Prawns up here, eh? King Verence has spared no expense, has he?”
“He had them brought up on ice all the way from Genua,” Agnes mumbled.
“They do very good seafood there, I believe.”
“Never been,” Agnes mumbled. Inside her head Perdita laid down and cried.
“Maybe we could visit it one day, Agnes,” said Vlad.
The blush was at Agnes’s neck.
“It’s very hot in here, don’t you think?” said Vlad.
“It’s the fire,” said Agnes gratefully. “It’s over there,” she added, nodding to where quite a large amount of a tree was burning in the hall’s enormous fireplace and could only have been missed by a man with a bucket on his head.
“My sister and I have—” Vlad began.
“Excuse me, Miss Nitt?”
“What is it, Shawn?” Drop dead, Shawn Ogg, said Perdita.
“Mum says you’re to come at once, miss. She’s down in the yard. She says it’s important.”
“It always is,” said Agnes. She gave Vlad a quick smile. “Excuse me, I have to go and help an old lady.”
“I’m sure we’ll meet again, Agnes,” said Vlad.
“Oh, er…thank you.”
She hurried out and was halfway down the steps before she remembered she hadn’t told him her name.
Two steps farther she thought: well, he could have asked someone.
Two steps after that Perdita said: Why would he ask anyone your name?
Agnes cursed the fact that she had grown up with an invisible enemy.
“Come and look at this!” hissed Nanny, grabbing her by the arm as she reached the courtyard. She was dragged out to the carriages parked near the stables. Nanny waved a finger to the door of the nearest one.
“See that?” she said.
“It looks very impressive,” said Agnes.
“See the crest?”
“Looks like…a couple of black and white birds. Magpies, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, but look at the writin’,” said Nanny Ogg, with that dark relish old ladies reserve for nastily portentous things.
“‘Carpe Jugulum,’” read Agnes aloud. “That’s…well, Carpe Diem is ‘Seize the Day,’ so this means—”
“‘Go for the Throat,’” said Nanny. “You know what our king has done, so we can play our part in this new changin’ world order thing and get moneyfor hedges because Klatch gets a nosebleed when Ankh-Morpork stubs its toe? He’s gone an’ invited some bigwigs from Uberwald, that’s what he’s done. Oh, deary deary me. Vampires and werewolves, werewolves and vampires. We’ll all be murdered in one another’s beds.” She walked up to the front of the coach and tapped on the wood near the driver, who was sitting hunched up in an enormous cloak. “Where’re you from, Igor?”
The shadowy figure turned.
“What maketh you think my name ith…Igor?”
“Lucky guess?” said Nanny.
“You think everyone from Uberwald ith called Igor, do you? I could have any one of a thouthand different nameth, woman.”
“Look,
Say something to him! Perdita screamed within.
“Wstfgl?” said Agnes. Behind her, Mightily Oats had got up and was inspecting the food suspiciously.
“I beg your pardon?”
Agnes swallowed, partly because Perdita was trying to shake her by the throat.
“He does look as if he’s about to flap away, doesn’t he,” she said. Oh, please, don’t let me giggle…
The man snapped his fingers. A waiter hurrying past with a tray of drinks turned through ninety degrees.
“Can I get you a drink, Miss Nitt?”
“Er…white wine?” Agnes whispered.
“No, you don’t want white wine, the red is much more…colorful,” he said, taking a glass and handing it to her. “What is our quarry doing now…ah, applying himself to a biscuit with a very small amount of pâté on it, I see…”
Ask him his name! Perdita yelled. No, that’d be forward of me, Agnes thought. Perdita screamed, You were built forward, you stupid lump—
“Please let me introduce myself. I’m Vlad,” he said, kindly. “Oh, now he’s…yes, he’s about to pounce on…yes, a prawn vol-au-vent. Prawns up here, eh? King Verence has spared no expense, has he?”
“He had them brought up on ice all the way from Genua,” Agnes mumbled.
“They do very good seafood there, I believe.”
“Never been,” Agnes mumbled. Inside her head Perdita laid down and cried.
“Maybe we could visit it one day, Agnes,” said Vlad.
The blush was at Agnes’s neck.
“It’s very hot in here, don’t you think?” said Vlad.
“It’s the fire,” said Agnes gratefully. “It’s over there,” she added, nodding to where quite a large amount of a tree was burning in the hall’s enormous fireplace and could only have been missed by a man with a bucket on his head.
“My sister and I have—” Vlad began.
“Excuse me, Miss Nitt?”
“What is it, Shawn?” Drop dead, Shawn Ogg, said Perdita.
“Mum says you’re to come at once, miss. She’s down in the yard. She says it’s important.”
“It always is,” said Agnes. She gave Vlad a quick smile. “Excuse me, I have to go and help an old lady.”
“I’m sure we’ll meet again, Agnes,” said Vlad.
“Oh, er…thank you.”
She hurried out and was halfway down the steps before she remembered she hadn’t told him her name.
Two steps farther she thought: well, he could have asked someone.
Two steps after that Perdita said: Why would he ask anyone your name?
Agnes cursed the fact that she had grown up with an invisible enemy.
“Come and look at this!” hissed Nanny, grabbing her by the arm as she reached the courtyard. She was dragged out to the carriages parked near the stables. Nanny waved a finger to the door of the nearest one.
“See that?” she said.
“It looks very impressive,” said Agnes.
“See the crest?”
“Looks like…a couple of black and white birds. Magpies, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, but look at the writin’,” said Nanny Ogg, with that dark relish old ladies reserve for nastily portentous things.
“‘Carpe Jugulum,’” read Agnes aloud. “That’s…well, Carpe Diem is ‘Seize the Day,’ so this means—”
“‘Go for the Throat,’” said Nanny. “You know what our king has done, so we can play our part in this new changin’ world order thing and get moneyfor hedges because Klatch gets a nosebleed when Ankh-Morpork stubs its toe? He’s gone an’ invited some bigwigs from Uberwald, that’s what he’s done. Oh, deary deary me. Vampires and werewolves, werewolves and vampires. We’ll all be murdered in one another’s beds.” She walked up to the front of the coach and tapped on the wood near the driver, who was sitting hunched up in an enormous cloak. “Where’re you from, Igor?”
The shadowy figure turned.
“What maketh you think my name ith…Igor?”
“Lucky guess?” said Nanny.
“You think everyone from Uberwald ith called Igor, do you? I could have any one of a thouthand different nameth, woman.”
“Look,
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