Read Online Carl Hiaasen by Lucky You - Free Book Online Page B

box of bullets, much less a whole invasion.
    Headlights in the parking lot caught his attention: a Dodge Caravan full of tourists, pulling up to the gas pumps.
    Chub frowned. “Tell ’em you’re closed.”
    “What?”
    “Now!” Bode barked.
    The clerk did as he was told. When he came back in the store, he found the men whispering to each other.
    The one called Chub said, “We’re just sayin’ you’d make a fine recruit.”
    “For what?” Shiner asked.
    Bode lowered his voice. “You got any interest in saving America from certain doom?”
    “I guess. Sure.” Then, after thinking about it: “Would I have to quit my job?”
    Bode Gazzer nodded portentously. “Soon,” he said.
    Shiner listened as the men explained where America had gone wrong, allowing Washington to fall into the hands of communists, lesbians, queers and race mixers. Shiner was annoyed to learn he probably would have
owned
the Grab N’Go by now if it weren’t for something called “affirmative action”—a law evidently dreamed up by the commies to help blacks take over the nation.
    Pretty soon Shiner’s universe began to make more sense. He was pleased to learn it wasn’t all his doing, this sorry-ass excuse for a life. No, it was the result of a complicated and diabolical plot, a vast conspiracy against the ordinary working white man. All this time there’d been a heavy boot on Shiner’s neck, and he hadn’t even known! Out of ignorance he’d always assumed it was his own damn fault—first quitting high school, then crappingout of the army. He’d been unaware of the larger, darker forces at work, “oppressing” him and “subordinating” him.
Enslaving
him, Chub added.
    Thinking about it made Shiner angry, but also oddly elated. Bode Gazzer and Chub were doing wonders for his self-esteem. They gave him a sense of worth. They gave him pride. Best of all, they gave him an excuse for his failures; someone else to blame! Shiner was invigorated with relief.
    “How come you guys know so much?”
    “We learned the hard way,” Bode said.
    Chub cut in: “You say you got a gun?”
    “Yep,” Shiner said. “Marlin .22.”
    Chub snorted. “No, boy, I said a
gun.”
    In more detail Bode Gazzer explained about the impending invasion of NATO troops from the Bahamas and their mission of imposing a totalitarian world regime on the United States. Shiner’s eyes grew wide at the mention of the White Rebel Brotherhood.
    “I’ve heard of ’em!” the young man exclaimed.
    “You have?” Chub shot a beady look at Bode, who shrugged.
    Shiner said, “Yeah. It’s a band, right?”
    “No, dickbrain, it’s not a band. It’s a militia,” Chub said.
    “A well-regulated militia,” Bode added, “like they talk about in the Second Amendment.”
    “Oh,” said Shiner. He hadn’t read the first one yet.
    In a low confiding tone, Bode Gazzer said the White Rebel Brotherhood was preparing for prolonged armed resistance—
heavily
armed resistance—to any forces, foreign or domestic, that posed a threat to something called the “sovereignty” of private American citizens.
    Bode laid a hand on the back of Shiner’s neck. With a friendly squeeze: “So what do you say?”
    “Sounds like a plan.”
    “You want into the WRB?”
    “You’re kiddin!”
    Chub said, “Answer the man. Yes or no.”
    “Sure,” Shiner chirped. “What do I gotta do?”
    “A favor,” Chub said. “It’s easy.”
    “More like a assignment,” said Bode Gazzer. “Think of it like a test.”
    Shiner’s expression clouded. He hated tests, especially multiple choice. That’s how he’d blown the SATs.
    Chub sensed the boy’s consternation. “Forget ‘test,’” he told him. “It’s a favor, that’s all. A favor for your new white brothers.”
    Instantly Shiner brightened.
    When Tom Krome saw JoLayne’s living room, he told her (for the fourth time) to call the police. The house was a mother lode of evidence: fingerprints, plenty of blood to be typed.