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so was I. So all of a sudden some teacher—Mr. Lagumina pulls me out & sends me to the end of the line. So I asked him why and he said quote “For no reason” unquote. So then I said “Then why do I have to go?” With that he puts his hand on my neck & pushes me forward. I put his hand down then he pushed me across the hall & pasted me in the face & said to get in the office!! I had a big red hand-print on my face! Then this girl who works in the office—Joan—asked me what happened. Then I went to Mr. Jury. He didn’t do a thing. My mother’s coming up tomorrow. They ain’t gonna belt me.
    Dear Pat,
    Hi. Nobody loves me or wants me. I lead a dull uninteresting existence. At least you have your mother to turn to. I have Kathy but she isn’t near my locale. I am in homeroom now. There’s a bunch of chicks in here and they all hate me. Someday I’ll be a movie star that’s it!! And I’ll be rich and famous and have all the friends I want. Can’t you just picture some “dramatic chick” saying this:
    You’re just a
    star-struck
    starry-eyed kid
    Stella
    So how’s tricks? I’m the “Earthy” type huh? Hell!!!!
    Tuesday, October 30 1962
    It is 2:30 a.m. and I can’t get to sleep. I can never get to sleep at night. Not even with sleeping pills. This is a pretty old diary. I was 13 when I had it. Now I’m 17 going on 18. Life has changed so much for me since then.

Here is the beautiful, pathetic story of one of the greatest names in history. It is the story of a young peasant girl who heard voices calling upon her to deliver her beloved France from its English conquerers. So greatly did the French people love her, that although she failed in her mission and died a martyr’s death, the memory of her short hour of glory carried her people on to ultimate victory.
    Reprinted from “JOAN OF ARC,”
    Classic Comic Books, 1954
    chapter 6
    The Mask of the Actor
    So many times in life one must put on an act. There are so many situations where the true feeling must be covered by a more acceptable one. As a child I learned to don the mask when the occasion called for it. (Later I learned to don the wig.)
    Christmas—1965
    Dear Kathy,
    Merry Christmas! I wish it were. Why can’t I stop feeling sorry for myself? I am so lonely, Kathy. It’s like I was in here. We must find a way to be together to help each other. I want to be at rest, at peace. I’m such a fucking self-imposed martyr. Everyone says I like to suffer. Why do I insist on being so unhappy? Please make me wise and make it snappy!
    I think I will become a nurse and help humanity and just go on like that, never giving a care for myself and become an old maid.
    I am a star because I have always felt so alienated and I project this feeling to others.
    I am a mutant
    A woman without a man is a slave without a master
    Your voice will thrill a nation
    You oughta shine as brightly as Jupiter or Mars
    You’d be more than Barrymore
    You’d be terrific at RKO
    Jane Russell would have to go
    A grief shared is half a grief
    A joy shared is twice a joy
    One hopes that Carroll Baker is being well paid.
    Barbara Stanwyck just gambled her whole place away to Ray Milland.
    I try to get what I want whenever it’s possible.
    I was stage struck when I was around 4.
    I want to operate on the highest level I can operate on.
    When I was a child, the kids always called me Marilyn or Greta.
    Recently when I was at Merv Griffin’s party a dyke came over to me and said, “Is your name Greta? You used to go to the Hayloft a few years ago and they used to call you ‘the actress.’” So everybody knew even then.
    I can get very Joan Crawford about the whole thing. Thanks for the punch in the nose. The Hydrophobia Hop is a dance where your dogs go wild.
    He’s got a lot of polish, he sells it after the show.
    Why don’t you keep your bee-stung mouth