King had sent out, Sir Barkworth was the most useless.
Sir Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Younger, to give him his full title, had more letters in his name than brain cells in his head. He was one of the Cloudy Knights, which meant he was like a night when clouds cover the sky and there is nothing to see. He was an example of the ridiculous tradition, still carried on today, that says if your father was a lord then, no matter how stupid and useless you are, you are a lord too. He had all the right qualifications â no chin, very large ears and he spoke in a silly voice that had nothing to do with the way words were actually spelt. 35
Sir Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Younger had inherited the title from his father, Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Little Bit Older, who had in turn won the title as a consolation prize in a raffle, apart from the Sir bit, which Barkworth the Younger had earned when hehad removed a splinter from King Arthurâs big toe. It had been a really agonising splinter and Barkworth the Younger had managed to remove it painlessly by using an anaesthetic â a sudden bang from behind on the Kingâs head that had made him unconscious. When the King came round and discovered his foot wasnât hurting any more, though he did have a bit of a headache, he was so grateful he knighted Rissole on the spot and gave him seventy-six groats a year for life and a complete set of dinner plates featuring the famous heroes of Avalon.
The Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustingtons of Barkworth have two claims to fame that are still with us today. Most people know that the sandwich was named after its inventor, the Earl of Sandwich, but few know the the rissole was named after Sir Barkworth. The familyâs second claim to fame is that the phrase âbarking madâ is named after them too.
Being a deeply committed coward, before being volunteered to be a Royal Messenger Sir Barkworth had been the Court Coat Holder. This involved hiding behind a very large rock or tree and holdingeveryoneâs coats while they fought their battles. He was so good at this job that even the Kingâs enemies would get him to hold their coats too. 36
Lords generally address each other as My Lord So and So, especially when they are speaking to Lord Saughandsaugh of Cricklewood, but none of them could bring themselves to talk to Sir Barkworth like that. He was just too stupid. So to everyone, even the humblest kitchen servant, he was known as Woof-Woof.
âI say, Woof-Woof, old chip, trim my toenails, would you? Thereâs a good fellow,â the other knights would say in the same tone of voice they used when asking their dogs to fetch a stick. And, even though he was not clever enough to be called âstupidâ, Sir Barkworth had a happy nature that was exactly the same as the dog who had just fetched the stick. So he always did whatever they asked. 37
King Arthur liked to surround himself with people like Sir Barkworth because they made him feel extremely clever.
But no one was sure why the King had chosen Sir Barkworth to be a Royal Messenger. A more useless person to send out on a quest was hard to imagine. There were days when it took him until lunchtime to find the door out of his own bedroom. These were the good days, when he had actually managed to find his bedroom the night before and not had to sleep in a damp corridor with only his manservant as a pillow. This meant that, quite often, by the time he got to the castle dining hall, he had missed breakfast and lunch, and by the time he found his seat he had missed dinner too. There was a joke around Camelot that if anyone wanted to lose weight they simply had to go on the Barkworth Diet.
Yet for all his failings, Sir Barkworth was one of those people who life has blessed. No matter what happened to him, he always landed on his feet. This
Sir Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Younger, to give him his full title, had more letters in his name than brain cells in his head. He was one of the Cloudy Knights, which meant he was like a night when clouds cover the sky and there is nothing to see. He was an example of the ridiculous tradition, still carried on today, that says if your father was a lord then, no matter how stupid and useless you are, you are a lord too. He had all the right qualifications â no chin, very large ears and he spoke in a silly voice that had nothing to do with the way words were actually spelt. 35
Sir Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Younger had inherited the title from his father, Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustington of Barkworth the Little Bit Older, who had in turn won the title as a consolation prize in a raffle, apart from the Sir bit, which Barkworth the Younger had earned when hehad removed a splinter from King Arthurâs big toe. It had been a really agonising splinter and Barkworth the Younger had managed to remove it painlessly by using an anaesthetic â a sudden bang from behind on the Kingâs head that had made him unconscious. When the King came round and discovered his foot wasnât hurting any more, though he did have a bit of a headache, he was so grateful he knighted Rissole on the spot and gave him seventy-six groats a year for life and a complete set of dinner plates featuring the famous heroes of Avalon.
The Barkworth Barkworth de Vere Rissole Rustingtons of Barkworth have two claims to fame that are still with us today. Most people know that the sandwich was named after its inventor, the Earl of Sandwich, but few know the the rissole was named after Sir Barkworth. The familyâs second claim to fame is that the phrase âbarking madâ is named after them too.
Being a deeply committed coward, before being volunteered to be a Royal Messenger Sir Barkworth had been the Court Coat Holder. This involved hiding behind a very large rock or tree and holdingeveryoneâs coats while they fought their battles. He was so good at this job that even the Kingâs enemies would get him to hold their coats too. 36
Lords generally address each other as My Lord So and So, especially when they are speaking to Lord Saughandsaugh of Cricklewood, but none of them could bring themselves to talk to Sir Barkworth like that. He was just too stupid. So to everyone, even the humblest kitchen servant, he was known as Woof-Woof.
âI say, Woof-Woof, old chip, trim my toenails, would you? Thereâs a good fellow,â the other knights would say in the same tone of voice they used when asking their dogs to fetch a stick. And, even though he was not clever enough to be called âstupidâ, Sir Barkworth had a happy nature that was exactly the same as the dog who had just fetched the stick. So he always did whatever they asked. 37
King Arthur liked to surround himself with people like Sir Barkworth because they made him feel extremely clever.
But no one was sure why the King had chosen Sir Barkworth to be a Royal Messenger. A more useless person to send out on a quest was hard to imagine. There were days when it took him until lunchtime to find the door out of his own bedroom. These were the good days, when he had actually managed to find his bedroom the night before and not had to sleep in a damp corridor with only his manservant as a pillow. This meant that, quite often, by the time he got to the castle dining hall, he had missed breakfast and lunch, and by the time he found his seat he had missed dinner too. There was a joke around Camelot that if anyone wanted to lose weight they simply had to go on the Barkworth Diet.
Yet for all his failings, Sir Barkworth was one of those people who life has blessed. No matter what happened to him, he always landed on his feet. This
Similar Books
