leaving? “Ashleigh.”
“I can’t. I mean, I melt when you’re near me—”
My heart surged. I smiled and she looked away. “That’s good, Ashleigh. Me too.”
“But you don’t get it. It’s been happening to me for years. I mean, it can’t feel the same for you. It’s too soon. It’s just been a few weeks since . . .”
“Since I woke up to what’s been right in front of me? That makes me an idiot, not unsure of my feelings. If I could turn back time and do things differently, realize what I had with you before, I’d do it. But I can’t, and I’m never going to be able to.”
“I know.” Her voice crackled as she spoke.
“It doesn’t mean this can’t work. Tell me what to do.” I just wanted to get to the part where I could hold her. I was ready. Couldn’t she see?
“I just need some time. You need some time.”
“I really don’t need more time.” I exhaled. “Will you ever be ready to trust me?”
“I don’t know, Luke. I’m scared. I’m sorry.”
Ashleigh
I was fucking up everything. Having Luke so close was confusing. It was as if I were careening down a mountain in a car with no brakes. I didn’t know what to do or how to stop it, but I knew how it was going to end.
Everything was so fucking perfect; it was maddening. He’d left Emma, rented his own place, taken up a hobby. Jesus, he’d even thrown out that bloody awful sofa he’d had since college. He was ticking every box that said he was ready. So why was I sitting with my head in my hands rather than lying naked beneath him?
The fact was, it was all too perfect, all too quick. I’d been worried Luke would see my concerns as a checklist for him to work though and conquer. I needed him to take the time to look at what he really wanted. Surely there was no way in the three weeks since we’d last kissed, last seen each other naked, that Luke could have worked through everything.
The problem was he looked ready; he seemed ready; he felt ready. His fingers on my neck lit me up. I was so tightly wound that maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. I needed to jolt some sense back into myself.
“Ashleigh.” He said my name as if conjuring a spell. When had I become Ashleigh to him?
“I should go.”
The sofa dipped as he sat beside me. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t meant to touch you. I just . . . You look so touchable. I thought you wanted me to.”
I exhaled. That was the problem. Luke touching me was all I wanted. I scrubbed my hands across my face. “I do,” I said in a small voice. Instantly his hand went to my lower back, circling, soothing. He felt so easy, so right.
“Hey,” he said, pulling my hands from my face, cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to his.
This man I’d been in love with my whole life seemed like he wanted me. Why couldn’t it be this easy? I tilted my head into his hand as he pulled me onto to his lap.
“I got it, Ashleigh. I understood why you put the brakes on at first. But now? I want this. I want you.” His words had the opposite of their intended effect. He seemed so certain, and I knew he couldn’t be. Not in such a short space of time.
I scrambled off his knee. “No.”
“No, you don’t believe me? No, you don’t want me back?”
I did believe him, and of course I wanted him but it was too soon. “Not yet. You’re not ready.”
“Fucking hell, Ashleigh. How is it you get to decide when I’m ready? I’m telling you I am. And you know it. You’re in my flat, flirting with me, teasing me. Is that what this is? Are you just trying to make me want something I can’t have so I know how you’ve felt all these years?”
His voice became tighter, harder, louder with every word. He rose from the sofa, and I backed away from him. We’d had relatively few arguments over the years, but I remembered each one of them in their every detail. I regretted every cross word that had ever gone between us. “That’s not fair, Luke. You think I’m trying to pay you
“I can’t. I mean, I melt when you’re near me—”
My heart surged. I smiled and she looked away. “That’s good, Ashleigh. Me too.”
“But you don’t get it. It’s been happening to me for years. I mean, it can’t feel the same for you. It’s too soon. It’s just been a few weeks since . . .”
“Since I woke up to what’s been right in front of me? That makes me an idiot, not unsure of my feelings. If I could turn back time and do things differently, realize what I had with you before, I’d do it. But I can’t, and I’m never going to be able to.”
“I know.” Her voice crackled as she spoke.
“It doesn’t mean this can’t work. Tell me what to do.” I just wanted to get to the part where I could hold her. I was ready. Couldn’t she see?
“I just need some time. You need some time.”
“I really don’t need more time.” I exhaled. “Will you ever be ready to trust me?”
“I don’t know, Luke. I’m scared. I’m sorry.”
Ashleigh
I was fucking up everything. Having Luke so close was confusing. It was as if I were careening down a mountain in a car with no brakes. I didn’t know what to do or how to stop it, but I knew how it was going to end.
Everything was so fucking perfect; it was maddening. He’d left Emma, rented his own place, taken up a hobby. Jesus, he’d even thrown out that bloody awful sofa he’d had since college. He was ticking every box that said he was ready. So why was I sitting with my head in my hands rather than lying naked beneath him?
The fact was, it was all too perfect, all too quick. I’d been worried Luke would see my concerns as a checklist for him to work though and conquer. I needed him to take the time to look at what he really wanted. Surely there was no way in the three weeks since we’d last kissed, last seen each other naked, that Luke could have worked through everything.
The problem was he looked ready; he seemed ready; he felt ready. His fingers on my neck lit me up. I was so tightly wound that maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. I needed to jolt some sense back into myself.
“Ashleigh.” He said my name as if conjuring a spell. When had I become Ashleigh to him?
“I should go.”
The sofa dipped as he sat beside me. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t meant to touch you. I just . . . You look so touchable. I thought you wanted me to.”
I exhaled. That was the problem. Luke touching me was all I wanted. I scrubbed my hands across my face. “I do,” I said in a small voice. Instantly his hand went to my lower back, circling, soothing. He felt so easy, so right.
“Hey,” he said, pulling my hands from my face, cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to his.
This man I’d been in love with my whole life seemed like he wanted me. Why couldn’t it be this easy? I tilted my head into his hand as he pulled me onto to his lap.
“I got it, Ashleigh. I understood why you put the brakes on at first. But now? I want this. I want you.” His words had the opposite of their intended effect. He seemed so certain, and I knew he couldn’t be. Not in such a short space of time.
I scrambled off his knee. “No.”
“No, you don’t believe me? No, you don’t want me back?”
I did believe him, and of course I wanted him but it was too soon. “Not yet. You’re not ready.”
“Fucking hell, Ashleigh. How is it you get to decide when I’m ready? I’m telling you I am. And you know it. You’re in my flat, flirting with me, teasing me. Is that what this is? Are you just trying to make me want something I can’t have so I know how you’ve felt all these years?”
His voice became tighter, harder, louder with every word. He rose from the sofa, and I backed away from him. We’d had relatively few arguments over the years, but I remembered each one of them in their every detail. I regretted every cross word that had ever gone between us. “That’s not fair, Luke. You think I’m trying to pay you
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