Read Online Call the Midlife by Chris Evans - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Chris Evans
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Buckinghamshire.
According to Dr H: ‘The causality of meeting, the random ways in which almost all of us get together, is wholly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. One person’s piercing arrow across a crowded dance-floor is another person’s methodical study of countless Internet dating sites. The virtual dance hall of its day minus Glenn Miller and the need for a spare pair of flats for the walk home.’
Dr H is a big fan of the Internet.
‘More diverse characters getting together from more diverse walks of life can only be good for the sustainability of this ever-simmering melting pot of humankind! Plus, Internet dating can be much safer and more efficient, usually carried out with the added bonus of a sober state of mind.’
More efficient, Dr H? Isn’t that a little too unromantic?
‘I’ll tell you what’s unromantic: domestic violence, a life of depression – sometimes leading to suicide – or losing all you’ve ever worked for when it wasn’t even you who had the illicit liaison with the builder, or the yummy mummy next door. Perpetual romance is for fantasists, who frankly have a lot to answer for. Science fiction has nothing on “romcoms”. Just that phrase makes me want to scream.’
Excellent point, well made.
‘Except for Sliding Doors . That film is a perfect representation ofhow random all this relationship stuff is. Or at least how random it is when it first begins. All coupling up is born out of millions of sliding-doors moments. So we don’t need to concern ourselves with “how we met”, just what’s happened “since we met”.
‘You met your wife on a golf course. You probably thought about not going that day. And had you not, those two amazing little boys that you dote upon every single waking moment wouldn’t exist. But you can’t think like that, it’s a recipe for insanity.’
I’m struggling to write all this gold down quick enough, and frankly in a bit of a flap, when Dr H stops me in my tracks.
‘May I ask you a question now please?’
Eek.
‘I’m getting a little paranoid answering all yours, it’s usually the other way round in this room.’
‘Of course, go ahead.’
‘Do you think some people prefer to be with someone rather than on their own?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘Well, there you are, that’s really all that matters. It’s when they stop feeling like that they come to see me.’
So how and why does that happen? This was what I’d come to find out.
‘Almost without exception,’ Dr H says, ‘there are two things that come to light when couples have a problem with their relationship. The first is that a gradual and almost invisible breakdown in basic day-to-day communication has occurred somewhere along the line. If it goes unchecked this can culminate in a permanent disconnect. The second is that as a result of this breakdown in communication, one or both parties begin to suffer from some sort of trauma (long- or short-term) that they or their partner are not aware of. It’s actually all so frustratingly simple.’
I’d heard that some experienced relationship counsellors can tell immediately if a couple are not destined to be together. Is that possible?
‘I try to avoid doing that, but it is sometimes more evident thannot. In such cases there are usually two predominant defining factors. The first is the refusal of one party to respect the things the other party considers important in life, regardless of whether the rest of the world agrees or not. And the second is a terminal decline in any shared commonality. In other words, reasons to enjoy and feel fulfilled about being together.’
Again, Dr H reiterates it doesn’t matter how or why people get together in the first place, a theme she returns to again and again, as if to hammer it home. Like when she explains that even many of the most perfectly matched couples she sees end up going their separate ways for the sake of everyone concerned.
‘What a lot of people don’t
According to Dr H: ‘The causality of meeting, the random ways in which almost all of us get together, is wholly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. One person’s piercing arrow across a crowded dance-floor is another person’s methodical study of countless Internet dating sites. The virtual dance hall of its day minus Glenn Miller and the need for a spare pair of flats for the walk home.’
Dr H is a big fan of the Internet.
‘More diverse characters getting together from more diverse walks of life can only be good for the sustainability of this ever-simmering melting pot of humankind! Plus, Internet dating can be much safer and more efficient, usually carried out with the added bonus of a sober state of mind.’
More efficient, Dr H? Isn’t that a little too unromantic?
‘I’ll tell you what’s unromantic: domestic violence, a life of depression – sometimes leading to suicide – or losing all you’ve ever worked for when it wasn’t even you who had the illicit liaison with the builder, or the yummy mummy next door. Perpetual romance is for fantasists, who frankly have a lot to answer for. Science fiction has nothing on “romcoms”. Just that phrase makes me want to scream.’
Excellent point, well made.
‘Except for Sliding Doors . That film is a perfect representation ofhow random all this relationship stuff is. Or at least how random it is when it first begins. All coupling up is born out of millions of sliding-doors moments. So we don’t need to concern ourselves with “how we met”, just what’s happened “since we met”.
‘You met your wife on a golf course. You probably thought about not going that day. And had you not, those two amazing little boys that you dote upon every single waking moment wouldn’t exist. But you can’t think like that, it’s a recipe for insanity.’
I’m struggling to write all this gold down quick enough, and frankly in a bit of a flap, when Dr H stops me in my tracks.
‘May I ask you a question now please?’
Eek.
‘I’m getting a little paranoid answering all yours, it’s usually the other way round in this room.’
‘Of course, go ahead.’
‘Do you think some people prefer to be with someone rather than on their own?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘Well, there you are, that’s really all that matters. It’s when they stop feeling like that they come to see me.’
So how and why does that happen? This was what I’d come to find out.
‘Almost without exception,’ Dr H says, ‘there are two things that come to light when couples have a problem with their relationship. The first is that a gradual and almost invisible breakdown in basic day-to-day communication has occurred somewhere along the line. If it goes unchecked this can culminate in a permanent disconnect. The second is that as a result of this breakdown in communication, one or both parties begin to suffer from some sort of trauma (long- or short-term) that they or their partner are not aware of. It’s actually all so frustratingly simple.’
I’d heard that some experienced relationship counsellors can tell immediately if a couple are not destined to be together. Is that possible?
‘I try to avoid doing that, but it is sometimes more evident thannot. In such cases there are usually two predominant defining factors. The first is the refusal of one party to respect the things the other party considers important in life, regardless of whether the rest of the world agrees or not. And the second is a terminal decline in any shared commonality. In other words, reasons to enjoy and feel fulfilled about being together.’
Again, Dr H reiterates it doesn’t matter how or why people get together in the first place, a theme she returns to again and again, as if to hammer it home. Like when she explains that even many of the most perfectly matched couples she sees end up going their separate ways for the sake of everyone concerned.
‘What a lot of people don’t
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