get
signed with the Ford Modeling Agency. I am only ten pounds away
from my pre-baby weight. I know in my heart this will never happen.
I am stuck in this little house, with this little baby, and with
little love for the man I am married to.
March 16, 1978
I can’t believe I haven’t written in so long.
So much is still the same, yet so much has changed. My double life
has doubled back on me. It all started when I was pulled over for
drinking and driving. Of course, my father-in-law tried to help as
best he could, getting the charges dropped. But a few weeks later I
was busted with marijuana. Greg and I had decided to get high
before a 4 pm movie at Glendale. We stopped by Broad Ripple Park
for a quick smoke down by the river. On our way back to the car a
police officer stopped us. He started asking questions, like why we
weren’t in school. We were so stoned we couldn’t stop laughing.
Then the officer noticed a pipe sticking out of Greg's blue jeans.
Now he had probable cause to search my handbag, where he found an
ounce of pot. I was arrested for possession of an illegal
substance.
I was numb. I just didn’t care anymore. This
time my father-in-law was furious. He couldn’t even look at me, let
alone speak to me. He did his best to keep the arrest from Sam, but
eventually he told him. As usual, Sam was silently angry. I begged
him to talk to me. I thought he would yell, but his silence was far
worse. I grew up in a home where we argued and got our feelings
out. The silent treatment was a new experience for me. I didn’t
like it at all. When Sam did speak, all he could say was that he
was extremely hurt and disappointed with me. That was
it!
My next “offense was the final straw for Sam.
Drunk and high one evening with my friends I left the bar with this
cute guy who had been buying me drinks all night. Though he was a
stranger, there was a confidence about him that turned me on. Sam
was a cop, but he wasn’t very manly at all. I felt like the man in
our relationship, which made sex with Sam a very undesirable thing.
The guy from the bar was all man. There was something about a bad
boy that got me hot. Plus, they know how to fuck the way I like it,
hard and rough. We had nowhere to go so we ended up fooling around
in his car.
While I was going down on him we got busted by
a cop. The next thing I knew we were charged with public indecency,
performing a lewd act in public. Looking back now, I think I wanted
to get caught so I could get out of the miserable existence I was
living.
The charges swept through the entire police
station like lightning. Sam heard it before his father had a chance
to tell him. Humiliated and upset, he left early from his shift. He
went back to our house, and began packing. I tried to talk to him,
to explain I was just acting out because I was bored. I would have
never done any of those things if I had not been drunk and high. I
begged and pleaded, telling him I would get counseling. When he
finished packing his suitcase and duffel bag he left. He didn’t
even say goodbye. He shut me out of his life completely. He wanted
nothing to do with me. The next day Sam filed for divorce. Oh my
god how am I going to support myself and my baby. I'm still in high
school and Sam will not be able to support us financially. Why did
I push him away. I'm am so screwed! I shouted inside my head. I
guess the only option for me now is to head back to Mommy Dearest
or Drunken Daddy.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“True love is finding your soulmate
in your best friend”
~ Faye Hall
Jack Napier - Day 18
As a child I was shuffled between a feuding
mother and daughter like a chess piece that my mom held hostage,
but my Grandma Daisy cherished.
Living with my mother never lasted for long.
That's because we lived with Grandpa Bob. Together they were a
full-fledged codependent couple. Their relationship was not one of
a father and daughter. It was more like Sid Vicious and Nancy
Spungen.
After my mother’s wedding,
signed with the Ford Modeling Agency. I am only ten pounds away
from my pre-baby weight. I know in my heart this will never happen.
I am stuck in this little house, with this little baby, and with
little love for the man I am married to.
March 16, 1978
I can’t believe I haven’t written in so long.
So much is still the same, yet so much has changed. My double life
has doubled back on me. It all started when I was pulled over for
drinking and driving. Of course, my father-in-law tried to help as
best he could, getting the charges dropped. But a few weeks later I
was busted with marijuana. Greg and I had decided to get high
before a 4 pm movie at Glendale. We stopped by Broad Ripple Park
for a quick smoke down by the river. On our way back to the car a
police officer stopped us. He started asking questions, like why we
weren’t in school. We were so stoned we couldn’t stop laughing.
Then the officer noticed a pipe sticking out of Greg's blue jeans.
Now he had probable cause to search my handbag, where he found an
ounce of pot. I was arrested for possession of an illegal
substance.
I was numb. I just didn’t care anymore. This
time my father-in-law was furious. He couldn’t even look at me, let
alone speak to me. He did his best to keep the arrest from Sam, but
eventually he told him. As usual, Sam was silently angry. I begged
him to talk to me. I thought he would yell, but his silence was far
worse. I grew up in a home where we argued and got our feelings
out. The silent treatment was a new experience for me. I didn’t
like it at all. When Sam did speak, all he could say was that he
was extremely hurt and disappointed with me. That was
it!
My next “offense was the final straw for Sam.
Drunk and high one evening with my friends I left the bar with this
cute guy who had been buying me drinks all night. Though he was a
stranger, there was a confidence about him that turned me on. Sam
was a cop, but he wasn’t very manly at all. I felt like the man in
our relationship, which made sex with Sam a very undesirable thing.
The guy from the bar was all man. There was something about a bad
boy that got me hot. Plus, they know how to fuck the way I like it,
hard and rough. We had nowhere to go so we ended up fooling around
in his car.
While I was going down on him we got busted by
a cop. The next thing I knew we were charged with public indecency,
performing a lewd act in public. Looking back now, I think I wanted
to get caught so I could get out of the miserable existence I was
living.
The charges swept through the entire police
station like lightning. Sam heard it before his father had a chance
to tell him. Humiliated and upset, he left early from his shift. He
went back to our house, and began packing. I tried to talk to him,
to explain I was just acting out because I was bored. I would have
never done any of those things if I had not been drunk and high. I
begged and pleaded, telling him I would get counseling. When he
finished packing his suitcase and duffel bag he left. He didn’t
even say goodbye. He shut me out of his life completely. He wanted
nothing to do with me. The next day Sam filed for divorce. Oh my
god how am I going to support myself and my baby. I'm still in high
school and Sam will not be able to support us financially. Why did
I push him away. I'm am so screwed! I shouted inside my head. I
guess the only option for me now is to head back to Mommy Dearest
or Drunken Daddy.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“True love is finding your soulmate
in your best friend”
~ Faye Hall
Jack Napier - Day 18
As a child I was shuffled between a feuding
mother and daughter like a chess piece that my mom held hostage,
but my Grandma Daisy cherished.
Living with my mother never lasted for long.
That's because we lived with Grandpa Bob. Together they were a
full-fledged codependent couple. Their relationship was not one of
a father and daughter. It was more like Sid Vicious and Nancy
Spungen.
After my mother’s wedding,
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