Read Online Born in Exile by George Gissing - Free Book Online

thought. With eagerness
he at length betook himself to the teachers of philosophy and of
geology. Having paid for these lectures out of his own pocket, he
felt as if he had won a privilege beyond the conventional course of
study, an initiation to a higher sphere of intellect. The result
was disillusion. Not even in these class-rooms could he hear the
word for which he waited, the bold annunciation of newly discovered
law, the science which had completely broken with tradition. He
came away unsatisfied, and brooded upon the possibilities which
would open for him when he was no longer dependent.
    His evening work at home was subject to a disturbance which
would have led him to seek other lodgings, could he have hoped to
find any so cheap as these. The landlady's son, a lank youth of the
clerk species, was wont to amuse himself from eight to ten with
practice on a piano. By dint of perseverance he had learned to
strum two or three hymnal melodies popularised by American
evangelists; occasionally he even added the charm of his voice,
which had a pietistic nasality not easily endured by an ear of any
refinement. Not only was Godwin harassed by the recurrence of these
performances; the tunes worked themselves into his brain, and
sometimes throughout a whole day their burden clanged and squalled
incessantly on his mental hearing. He longed to entreat forbearance
from the musician, but an excess of delicacy—which always ruled his
behaviour—kept him silent. Certain passages in the classics, and
many an elaborate mathematical formula, long retained for him an
association with the cadences of revivalist hymnody.
    Like all proud natures condemned to solitude, he tried to
convince himself that he had no need of society, that he despised
its attractions, and could be self-sufficing. So far was this from
the truth that he often regarded with bitter envy those of his
fellow-students who had the social air, who conversed freely among
their equals, and showed that the pursuits of the College were only
a part of their existence. These young men were either preparing
for the University, or would pass from Whitelaw to business,
profession, official training; in any case, a track was marked out
for them by the zealous care of relatives and friends, and their
efforts would always be aided, applauded, by a kindly circle. Some
of them Godwin could not but admire, so healthful were they, so
bright of intellect, and courteous in manner,—a type distinct from
any he had formerly observed. Others were antipathetic to him.
Their aggressive gentility conflicted with the wariness of his
self-esteem; such a one, for instance, as Bruno Chilvers, the sound
of whose mincing voice, as he read in the class, so irritated him
that at times he had to cover his ears. Yet, did it chance that one
of these offensive youths addressed a civil word to him, on the
instant his prejudice was disarmed, and his emotions flowed forth
in a response to which he would gladly have given free expression.
When he was invited to meet the relatives of Buckland Warricombe,
shyness prepossessed him against them; but the frank kindness of
his reception moved him, and on going away he was ashamed to have
replied so boorishly to attentions so amiably meant. The same note
of character sounded in what personal intercourse he had with the
Professors. Though his spirit of criticism was at times busy with
these gentlemen, he had for most of them a profound regard; and to
be elected by one or other for a word of commendation, a little
private assistance, a well-phrased inquiry as to his progress,
always made his heart beat high with gratitude. They were his first
exemplars of finished courtesy, of delicate culture; and he could
never sufficiently regret that no one of them was aware how
thankfully he recognised his debt.
    In longing for the intimacy of refined people, he began to
modify his sentiments with regard to the female sex. His first
prize-day at Whitelaw was the first occasion on