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Authors: Damon Wayans with David Asbery
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go visit his cool ass on death row.
“Hi, I’m here to see Ice Wayans.”
“Yeah, Ice … Sorry, it’s too late,” the guard would say.
“That’s terrible! But was he cool?”
Disneyland: White Man’s Paradise
I learned that you shouldn’t promise a child anything unless you’re going to follow through on it. It’s better to say no because they will hold you to your word. I remember once I made the mistake of promising my kids two weeks ahead of time that I was going to take them to Disneyland, and they drove me crazy for two weeks straight. They would startle me out of my sleep, scaring the hell out of me.
Kids : Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
Me : Wha— what is it? Is the house on fire?
Kids : Are we still going to Disneyland?
Me : Yeah, we’re gonna go to Disneyland.
They got so caught up in it, they even made up a little song that they’d sing while they were marching around the house: “Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland. Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland in just one more week and six days, twelve hours, four minutes and eight seconds.”
I’d be on the toilet and they would start banging on the door.
Kids : Daddy, Daddy!
Me: (
straining
) Wwwwwwwhat?
Kids : Are we still going to Disneyland?
Me : Yyyyyyes … we gonna gggggo to Disneyland!
Then, they would be holding their noses, singing their Disneyland song, “Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland. Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, as soon as he finishes in the potty!”
By the time we arrived at Disneyland I had an attitude. I really don’t like that place. They charge a $32.50 fee just to get into the park, and they give you two dollars off for the kids like they’re doing you a favor. And the place is always packed, mostly with white folks. They don’t seem to have a problem paying the $32.50. It’s like they’re hypnotized when they’re standing at the ticket office window.
A typical white person will say, “Why, Disneyland is the greatest place on earth. Here, Mickey, take my wallet and you give me back how much you think I should have.”
Black people won’t have any of that. They’ll be at the gate arguing, “$32.50 to get up in this mother-fucka? What, is Snow White gonna blow me during the electric parade? No, I just want to know when the $32.50 is gonna kick in. Let me tell you something, for $32.50 I’m gonna fuck one of them dwarfs. That’s right, Dopey is gonna be real sleepy and grumpy tonight.”
But Disney knows that a parent will pay anythingto see their kids smile. That’s how they get you. They could charge three hundred dollars and you’d be out there robbing banks trying to scrape the money together.
Parent : (
holding a gun
) All right, everybody freeze! Put your hands up, and nobody will get hurt. I just want to get my kids some mouse ears!
Taking Revenge on the Family Dog
I hate dogs. I hate them because they’re nasty. I don’t understand people who’ll share their ice cream cone with a dog. I’ve watched dogs lick their balls, not just one time a day, but they lick them all damn day long. I bought a dog for my kids and the dog would lick his balls and then lick my kids in the face. I tried to get the dog to stop doing this, but he wouldn’t stop. It was like a little game with him. Then, the dog started trying to do this to me. That couldn’t continue.
One day I got fed up and decided to teach him a lesson. I stuck my finger up my ass and rubbed it on the tip of his nose. I said if he wants to be nasty, I’ll be nasty, too. The dog was running around the house like he had gone mad. I chased him around with that finger until the message sank in: Don’t lick your balls and then lick me.
Appreciate Your Parents or Die
S ometimes after we grow up we forget what it was like for our parents and all the sacrifices they made to take care of us. Some of my brothers and sisters have chips on their shoulders. They sit around
“Hi, I’m here to see Ice Wayans.”
“Yeah, Ice … Sorry, it’s too late,” the guard would say.
“That’s terrible! But was he cool?”
Disneyland: White Man’s Paradise
I learned that you shouldn’t promise a child anything unless you’re going to follow through on it. It’s better to say no because they will hold you to your word. I remember once I made the mistake of promising my kids two weeks ahead of time that I was going to take them to Disneyland, and they drove me crazy for two weeks straight. They would startle me out of my sleep, scaring the hell out of me.
Kids : Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
Me : Wha— what is it? Is the house on fire?
Kids : Are we still going to Disneyland?
Me : Yeah, we’re gonna go to Disneyland.
They got so caught up in it, they even made up a little song that they’d sing while they were marching around the house: “Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland. Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland in just one more week and six days, twelve hours, four minutes and eight seconds.”
I’d be on the toilet and they would start banging on the door.
Kids : Daddy, Daddy!
Me: (
straining
) Wwwwwwwhat?
Kids : Are we still going to Disneyland?
Me : Yyyyyyes … we gonna gggggo to Disneyland!
Then, they would be holding their noses, singing their Disneyland song, “Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland. Daddy’s gonna take us to Disneyland, as soon as he finishes in the potty!”
By the time we arrived at Disneyland I had an attitude. I really don’t like that place. They charge a $32.50 fee just to get into the park, and they give you two dollars off for the kids like they’re doing you a favor. And the place is always packed, mostly with white folks. They don’t seem to have a problem paying the $32.50. It’s like they’re hypnotized when they’re standing at the ticket office window.
A typical white person will say, “Why, Disneyland is the greatest place on earth. Here, Mickey, take my wallet and you give me back how much you think I should have.”
Black people won’t have any of that. They’ll be at the gate arguing, “$32.50 to get up in this mother-fucka? What, is Snow White gonna blow me during the electric parade? No, I just want to know when the $32.50 is gonna kick in. Let me tell you something, for $32.50 I’m gonna fuck one of them dwarfs. That’s right, Dopey is gonna be real sleepy and grumpy tonight.”
But Disney knows that a parent will pay anythingto see their kids smile. That’s how they get you. They could charge three hundred dollars and you’d be out there robbing banks trying to scrape the money together.
Parent : (
holding a gun
) All right, everybody freeze! Put your hands up, and nobody will get hurt. I just want to get my kids some mouse ears!
Taking Revenge on the Family Dog
I hate dogs. I hate them because they’re nasty. I don’t understand people who’ll share their ice cream cone with a dog. I’ve watched dogs lick their balls, not just one time a day, but they lick them all damn day long. I bought a dog for my kids and the dog would lick his balls and then lick my kids in the face. I tried to get the dog to stop doing this, but he wouldn’t stop. It was like a little game with him. Then, the dog started trying to do this to me. That couldn’t continue.
One day I got fed up and decided to teach him a lesson. I stuck my finger up my ass and rubbed it on the tip of his nose. I said if he wants to be nasty, I’ll be nasty, too. The dog was running around the house like he had gone mad. I chased him around with that finger until the message sank in: Don’t lick your balls and then lick me.
Appreciate Your Parents or Die
S ometimes after we grow up we forget what it was like for our parents and all the sacrifices they made to take care of us. Some of my brothers and sisters have chips on their shoulders. They sit around
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