Read Online Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise by Adam Spielman - Free Book Online

capital joke!”
    2
    The Mortality Plaza was huge.  A building map in the lobby showed floors assigned to Haunting Holidays, Funeral Reenactments, Postmortem Vertigo and Trauma.  Kill Counts and Death Stats was on the twenty-seventh floor.
    And the twenty-seventh floor was packed tight with stacks of servers and processers.  In the middle of the hum there was a woman at a desk.  She made the clacking at a keyboard and her smile was Midwestern plaster.
    “Kill Counts and Death Statistics,” she said.  “What can I do ya for?”
    “Yeah,” Jim said.  “So, I was just golfing with Hitler, and he said I should come check this place out.  He said he never killed anybody.”
    “Well now that just won’t do, will it.  Why don’t you just take a seat right there and we’ll sort this all out for ya.  Does this Hitler have a full name?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “For example, maybe Hitler Stevens, or Hitler Robinson?”
    “Adolf.  Adolf Hitler.  You don’t know who Hitler is?”
    And the woman made the clacking in the hum of the servers and processers .
    “There he is.  Well look at that.  Adolf Hitler has one kill, and it’s Adolf Hitler.  What a coincidence.”
    “That’s not possible.”
    “Our records are absolute and infallible.  Look there, it even says so on my screen.  Absolute and infallible.”
    “But he killed millions of people.”
    “Oh, I think I’d remember a seven figure kill count.  Imagine that, seven figures.  You’d have to wake up pretty early in the morning.”
    “Auschwitz.  Look up Auschwitz.”
    And the woman made the clacking in the hum of the servers and processers.
    “Oh, Nazi Deathcamp.  That sounds exotic.  You’re certainly at the right place.  I don’t see any mention of an Adolf Hitler though.  Let’s see, I have a Rudolph Hoess down for sixteen thousand and forty-two.  Pretty impressive.  And here’s a Willhelm Boger, he’s got a few thousand.  There’s an Oswald Kaduk with eight hundred and five.  I don’t see any millionaires.”
    “D-Day?  The Russian front?”
    And the woman made the clacking in the hum of the servers and processers.
    “The highest kill count I have for D-Day is twelve hundred even.  A man named Sam Anderson.”
    “Sam Anderson.”
    “That’s right.”
    “Some guy named Sam Anderson killed more people than Hitler.”
    “A bunch more.”
    “That’s retarded.”
    “Watch your language, mister.  I don’t know what you have against this Hitler person, but it’s no reason to come down on the margins of society.”
    “Me?!  But that’s what he did!  Like, big time.”
    “If you say so.”
    And Jim made the guffaw in the hum of the servers and processers.  For his knowledge of high school history was depleted, and Hitler was still off the hook.  He said to the woman with the plaster smile,
    “Alright, so if Hitler’s in the clear, and his henchmen aren’t millionaires, all those kills had to go somewhere.  So who’s got them?  Who killed the most people?”
    She made the clacking .  “Thomas Ferebee,” she said.
    “Who?”
    “Says here he dropped a bomb on Japan.  Two hundred eighty-seven thousand, five hundred and ninety-eight kills.  That’s a doozy.”
    “The pilot?  They put that on the pilot?”
    “Says here he was a bombardier.”
    “What about the guys that made the bomb?  The inventor, the manufacturer?  What about Congress and the President, the goddamn Kamikazes that started it?”
    “Oh, we don’t keep track of assists anymore.”
    “Why not?”
    “Well, it turns out, what with all the going-on that goes about – ya know, the talking and the pushing – every kill had about a bazillion assists.  Fried our computers to a crisp.  We have a strict Kill/No-kill policy now.  No moochers.”
    Jim made the guffaw .  He thought, I’m gonna kill Humphrey Bogart.  He said,
    “I don’t suppose that computer can tell me where Plato is.”
    “The