Blandings Castle and Elsewhere

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Authors: P. G. Wodehouse
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nearly circular as a pig can be without bursting. Nevertheless,
Lord Emsworth, as he regarded her, mourned and
would not be comforted. A few more square meals under her
belt, and no pig in all Shropshire could have held its head up in
the Empress's presence. And now, just for lack of those few
meals, the supreme animal would probably be relegated to the
mean obscurity of an 'Honourably Mentioned.' It was bitter,
bitter.
    He became aware that somebody was speaking to him; and,
turning, perceived a solemn young man in riding breeches.
    'I say,' said the young man.
    Lord Emsworth, though he would have preferred solitude,
was relieved to find that the intruder was at least one of his own
sex. Women are apt to stray off into side-issues, but men are
practical and can be relied on to stick to the fundamentals.
Besides, young Heacham probably kept pigs himself and
might have a useful hint or two up his sleeve.
    'I say, I've just ridden over to see if there was anything I could
do about this fearful business.'
    'Uncommonly kind and thoughtful of you, my dear
fellow,' said Lord Emsworth, touched. 'I fear things look very
black.'
    'It's an absolute mystery to me.'
    'To me, too.'
    'I mean to say, she was all right last week.'
    'She was all right as late as the day before yesterday.'
    'Seemed quite cheery and chirpy and all that.'
    'Entirely so.'
    And then this happens – out of a blue sky, as you might say.'
    'Exactly. It is insoluble. We have done everything possible to
tempt her appetite.'
    'Her appetite? Is Angela ill?'
    'Angela? No, I fancy not. She seemed perfectly well a few
minutes ago.'
    'You've seen her this morning, then? Did she say anything
about this fearful business?'
    'No. She was speaking about some money.'
    'It's all so dashed unexpected.'
    'Like a bolt from the blue,' agreed Lord Emsworth. 'Such
a thing has never happened before. I fear the worst. According
to the Wolff-Lehmann feeding standards, a pig, if in health,
should consume daily nourishment amounting to fifty-seven
thousand eight hundred calories, these to consist of proteids
four pounds five ounces, carbohydrates twenty-five pounds—'
    'What has that got to do with Angela?'
    Angela?'
    'I came to find out why Angela has broken off our engagement.'
    Lord Emsworth marshalled his thoughts. He had a misty
idea that he had heard something mentioned about that. It came
back to him.
    'Ah, yes, of course. She has broken off the engagement, hasn't
she? I believe it is because she is in love with someone else. Yes,
now that I recollect, that was distinctly stated. The whole thing
comes back to me quite clearly. Angela has decided to marry
someone else. I knew there was some satisfactory explanation.
Tell me, my dear fellow, what are your views on linseed meal.'
    'What do you mean, linseed meal?'
    'Why, linseed meal,' said Lord Emsworth, not being able to
find a better definition. As a food for pigs.'
    'Oh, curse all pigs!'
    'What!' There was a sort of astounded horror in Lord Emsworth's
voice. He had never been particularly fond of young
Heacham, for he was not a man who took much to his juniors,
but he had not supposed him capable of anarchistic sentiments
like this. 'What did you say?'
    'I said, "Curse all pigs!" You keep talking about pigs. I'm not
interested in pigs. I don't want to discuss pigs. Blast and damn
every pig in existence!'
    Lord Emsworth watched him, as he strode away, with an
emotion that was partly indignation and partly relief – indignation
that a landowner and a fellow son of Shropshire could have
brought himself to utter such words, and relief that one capable
of such utterance was not going to marry into his family. He had
always in his woollen-headed way been very fond of his niece
Angela, and it was nice to think that the child had such solid
good sense and so much cool discernment. Many girls of her age
would have been carried away by the glamour of young Heacham's
position and wealth; but she, divining with an intuition
beyond her years

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