bizarre behavior, she could only blame someone else for her pain.
Mike had always been focused on his career, and, at the same time, determined to make his marriage work. He couldn’t overlook Debora’s behavior. He had to deal with her rages; she was in his face, yelling, stomping her feet. Sometimes she beat herself on the head with books, or beat on her thighs until she left bruises. Or, worse, she behaved the same way in a public place while their children cringed and strangers stared at her with a mixture of concern and curiosity. That behavior, her drug use, and the repeated problems she had had with her practice were clear evidence that Debora could not adjust to the world and its stresses the way other people did. But Mike didn’t know why—or what he could do about it.
When he left home in the morning for rounds, it was a relief. He plunged himself into his career so completely that he didn’t have to think about his marriage during the hours he was away. And he would not deny that he noticed other women—soft-voiced, blond, slender, seemingly compliant women—who would not shriek at him or stomp off in a hysterical fit of pique when life did not go smoothly. But Mike overlooked or failed to recognize that some of his wife’s behavior was totally irrational, even dangerous. Or perhaps he simply repressed signals that were too alarming to deal with.
During the early nineties, despite his troubles with Debora, Mike remained true to his belief that a married man, a father, does not break his wedding vows. There are those who say that another woman—or man—cannot break up a good marriage. But then Mike and Debora did not have a good marriage, or even a vaguely workable one. He had married her when he was very young, and though he’d had an inkling that she had a harridan’s temper, he had no idea how deep-seated her psychological problems were.
“I wanted my marriage to last,” he later said with conviction. “Rather than contemplating an affair, I would have preferred to have my marriage somehow hold together, would have preferred to be at home with my children. I just wanted a marriage that would work.”
At the same time, Mike wondered how he could go on in this joyless marriage with nothing to look forward to but complaints, fights, and recriminations. Debora demanded so much and gave so little in return. At times, she seemed to resent him—even hate him—for failing to give her what she wanted. In fact, Mike would have an affair with another woman. But he did not leave Debora. He stayed in their marriage.
6
There was another sore eating away at Mike and Debora’s marriage. Rather than recognizing that a boy needs to admire and respect his father, she enlisted their son, Tim, as her ally in her fights with her husband. When she was angry at Mike, she complained to Tim about it, speaking to him as if he were a little adult. Add to that the fact that Mike had himself been the only son and had always been expected to obey his parents without question, and he had a difficult time parenting Tim. Not surprisingly, the two had a less than perfect father-son relationship.
As Tim grew older, the gap between father and son grew wider. There were some good times, but they were fewer and fewer. Debora did not encourage Tim to obey Mike; rather, she seemed to delight in having the boy take her side in arguments. She treated Tim more like a brother than a son, unaware—or perhaps heedless—that she was fostering a devastating psychological situation in her family. Her priorities were all wrong, her perception skewed. Debora told all their children what a bad father Mike was, so that Lissa, particularly, began to side with her mother and brother. Kelly was such a sunny little girl—and still so young—that she loved her daddy without question.
Debora’s manner of marital combat never changed. She yelled, screamed, stomped her feet, threw tantrums. At first Mike had shouted back at her, but he soon
Mike had always been focused on his career, and, at the same time, determined to make his marriage work. He couldn’t overlook Debora’s behavior. He had to deal with her rages; she was in his face, yelling, stomping her feet. Sometimes she beat herself on the head with books, or beat on her thighs until she left bruises. Or, worse, she behaved the same way in a public place while their children cringed and strangers stared at her with a mixture of concern and curiosity. That behavior, her drug use, and the repeated problems she had had with her practice were clear evidence that Debora could not adjust to the world and its stresses the way other people did. But Mike didn’t know why—or what he could do about it.
When he left home in the morning for rounds, it was a relief. He plunged himself into his career so completely that he didn’t have to think about his marriage during the hours he was away. And he would not deny that he noticed other women—soft-voiced, blond, slender, seemingly compliant women—who would not shriek at him or stomp off in a hysterical fit of pique when life did not go smoothly. But Mike overlooked or failed to recognize that some of his wife’s behavior was totally irrational, even dangerous. Or perhaps he simply repressed signals that were too alarming to deal with.
During the early nineties, despite his troubles with Debora, Mike remained true to his belief that a married man, a father, does not break his wedding vows. There are those who say that another woman—or man—cannot break up a good marriage. But then Mike and Debora did not have a good marriage, or even a vaguely workable one. He had married her when he was very young, and though he’d had an inkling that she had a harridan’s temper, he had no idea how deep-seated her psychological problems were.
“I wanted my marriage to last,” he later said with conviction. “Rather than contemplating an affair, I would have preferred to have my marriage somehow hold together, would have preferred to be at home with my children. I just wanted a marriage that would work.”
At the same time, Mike wondered how he could go on in this joyless marriage with nothing to look forward to but complaints, fights, and recriminations. Debora demanded so much and gave so little in return. At times, she seemed to resent him—even hate him—for failing to give her what she wanted. In fact, Mike would have an affair with another woman. But he did not leave Debora. He stayed in their marriage.
6
There was another sore eating away at Mike and Debora’s marriage. Rather than recognizing that a boy needs to admire and respect his father, she enlisted their son, Tim, as her ally in her fights with her husband. When she was angry at Mike, she complained to Tim about it, speaking to him as if he were a little adult. Add to that the fact that Mike had himself been the only son and had always been expected to obey his parents without question, and he had a difficult time parenting Tim. Not surprisingly, the two had a less than perfect father-son relationship.
As Tim grew older, the gap between father and son grew wider. There were some good times, but they were fewer and fewer. Debora did not encourage Tim to obey Mike; rather, she seemed to delight in having the boy take her side in arguments. She treated Tim more like a brother than a son, unaware—or perhaps heedless—that she was fostering a devastating psychological situation in her family. Her priorities were all wrong, her perception skewed. Debora told all their children what a bad father Mike was, so that Lissa, particularly, began to side with her mother and brother. Kelly was such a sunny little girl—and still so young—that she loved her daddy without question.
Debora’s manner of marital combat never changed. She yelled, screamed, stomped her feet, threw tantrums. At first Mike had shouted back at her, but he soon
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