himself.
“How can you go back to the Guardians, Terese?” he said finally. “They broke you into pieces.”
“They didn’t break me. That was the Redeemers.” The hands slick with my blood, and the pain and the filthy faces grinning and crooning about the will of God…
“The Guardians sent you.”
“I volunteered. I knew the risks.” Flash anger, hot and fresh, pulled me to my feet and clenched my fists. “Damn it, stop blaming the Guardians!”
“Why?” David swung around. “You’ve blamed them for years!”
I had. I did. My knees shook. “I might have been wrong,” I whispered.
“ Now you tell me.”
I stared at him, my eyes stinging with exhaustion and emotion, and the sound that emerged from my open mouth was the last one I expected.
I started to laugh.
I dissolved into a torrent of giggles that buckled my knees so I had to drop back down onto the bench and press my hands against my face to catch the tears.
While I tried to get myself back under control, I felt David’s warmth and smelled his distinct scent as he sat down beside me.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s all right,” he said in that bland tone that meant allthat was right was my reaction to this moment. But at least it was a start.
I lifted my face, wiping my damp palms on my trousers. “I didn’t lie to you,” I said hoarsely. “Up until yesterday, I meant it. I never would have gone back. Up until three hours ago I meant it.” It was the truth. “But…something has gone very wrong, David. Somehow, this little chunk of anarchy has become a threat at the worst possible time.”
He made no reply to this, just scraped his shoes on the path as he shifted his weight. The sound reminded me of how Jerimiah had kicked at the carpet, and I remembered the suppressed anger vibrating through the whole of Misao’s frame.
“They must be desperate,” I whispered. “Why in the hell else would they want me back?”
David blew out a long breath. “Because you’ve survived what no one else has.”
I lifted my eyes, rendered mute again. If his sorrow had undone me, watching slow, reluctant understanding take hold in him was enough to shatter me.
“Is it really war?” he asked.
“I think it could be. It’s something bad. Misao is scared. I’ve never seen him scared before.”
“But they haven’t shown you any real evidence.”
I thought again about how Misao had said it was a sure thing—but Jerimiah, who had been there, with Bianca—inside Bianca—said they’d found no proof. I tried very hard to squelch that memory, afraid David would read the doubt in my eyes.
“They can’t show me the secured evidence until I’m under oath again.”
“An oath you were ready to take just because Misao is scared and Bianca is dead.”
“No!” I rubbed the spot behind my right ear. “Because the system I’m expert in is a hot spot and is about to explode. Because they need me.”
Except he was right. I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t thought.
Oh, I was sure there was trouble. I believed something unprecedented was happening in Erasmus. But I hadn’t demanded real proof. They had said it, and I had believed.
David did not look away. He blinked once, as if he were perfectly calm, but he read all this in my struggling expression. At last he sighed and stared out across the city, getting lost in the lights and motion for a moment.
“We live too long,” he muttered.
I struggled to work out the connection and failed. “What?”
“We live too long,” he said again. He shoved his hair back from his head with both hands. “Three hundred years, four hundred. We create one family, two, three…we sign contracts with the people we live with like it’s possible to just shut off our feelings on a prearranged date.” He snickered and my stomach sloshed, empty and queasy. Go away , I’d thought. This is not your life . “Did you hear, they’re trying to develop a way to shut down memories of previous families so you can
“How can you go back to the Guardians, Terese?” he said finally. “They broke you into pieces.”
“They didn’t break me. That was the Redeemers.” The hands slick with my blood, and the pain and the filthy faces grinning and crooning about the will of God…
“The Guardians sent you.”
“I volunteered. I knew the risks.” Flash anger, hot and fresh, pulled me to my feet and clenched my fists. “Damn it, stop blaming the Guardians!”
“Why?” David swung around. “You’ve blamed them for years!”
I had. I did. My knees shook. “I might have been wrong,” I whispered.
“ Now you tell me.”
I stared at him, my eyes stinging with exhaustion and emotion, and the sound that emerged from my open mouth was the last one I expected.
I started to laugh.
I dissolved into a torrent of giggles that buckled my knees so I had to drop back down onto the bench and press my hands against my face to catch the tears.
While I tried to get myself back under control, I felt David’s warmth and smelled his distinct scent as he sat down beside me.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s all right,” he said in that bland tone that meant allthat was right was my reaction to this moment. But at least it was a start.
I lifted my face, wiping my damp palms on my trousers. “I didn’t lie to you,” I said hoarsely. “Up until yesterday, I meant it. I never would have gone back. Up until three hours ago I meant it.” It was the truth. “But…something has gone very wrong, David. Somehow, this little chunk of anarchy has become a threat at the worst possible time.”
He made no reply to this, just scraped his shoes on the path as he shifted his weight. The sound reminded me of how Jerimiah had kicked at the carpet, and I remembered the suppressed anger vibrating through the whole of Misao’s frame.
“They must be desperate,” I whispered. “Why in the hell else would they want me back?”
David blew out a long breath. “Because you’ve survived what no one else has.”
I lifted my eyes, rendered mute again. If his sorrow had undone me, watching slow, reluctant understanding take hold in him was enough to shatter me.
“Is it really war?” he asked.
“I think it could be. It’s something bad. Misao is scared. I’ve never seen him scared before.”
“But they haven’t shown you any real evidence.”
I thought again about how Misao had said it was a sure thing—but Jerimiah, who had been there, with Bianca—inside Bianca—said they’d found no proof. I tried very hard to squelch that memory, afraid David would read the doubt in my eyes.
“They can’t show me the secured evidence until I’m under oath again.”
“An oath you were ready to take just because Misao is scared and Bianca is dead.”
“No!” I rubbed the spot behind my right ear. “Because the system I’m expert in is a hot spot and is about to explode. Because they need me.”
Except he was right. I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t thought.
Oh, I was sure there was trouble. I believed something unprecedented was happening in Erasmus. But I hadn’t demanded real proof. They had said it, and I had believed.
David did not look away. He blinked once, as if he were perfectly calm, but he read all this in my struggling expression. At last he sighed and stared out across the city, getting lost in the lights and motion for a moment.
“We live too long,” he muttered.
I struggled to work out the connection and failed. “What?”
“We live too long,” he said again. He shoved his hair back from his head with both hands. “Three hundred years, four hundred. We create one family, two, three…we sign contracts with the people we live with like it’s possible to just shut off our feelings on a prearranged date.” He snickered and my stomach sloshed, empty and queasy. Go away , I’d thought. This is not your life . “Did you hear, they’re trying to develop a way to shut down memories of previous families so you can
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