Read Online Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough by Justin Davis, Trisha Davis - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Justin Davis, Trisha Davis
Ads: Link
marriage.
But God created us to be one with our spouses. Anything short of that is merely ordinary.
HOW WE TRY TO RESTORE ONENESS
When our marriages drift toward ordinary, we often try to roll up our sleeves and fix them ourselves. We won’t go down without a fight. We’ll come up with a plan. We are going to make ourmarriages better. We are going to try harder. We truly believe we can restore oneness. We try to better our marriages ourselves in three (misguided) ways.
I Can Change You
If we are honest, probably all of us think we can change our spouses. Ladies, you truly believe that you can make your husband a better driver. You can make him more punctual. You can make him put his dirty underwear in the hamper instead of next to the hamper. If you complain enough, nag enough, and pout enough, you will be able to change your husband into the man you thought he was when you married him.
Guys, you believe you can change your wife. You truly think that you can make your wife want sex as often as you do. You think you can make her want to watch Chuck Norris movies. You really believe that if you are good enough or on time enough or clean enough, then she won’t get sideways when you go golfing on Saturdays.
The truth is this: we can’t change our spouses .
None of us has the capacity to change a human heart. We think that by trying to change our spouses’ behavior we are changing their hearts, but that isn’t true. By trying to change our spouses’ behavior we are actually damaging their hearts. So many marriages exist full of bitterness and hurt. Why? Because we believe we can restore oneness by changing our spouses. One spouse is upset that he or she is never good enough; the other feels like all he or she does is nag and complain. Oneness slips further and further away.
Milestones & Achievements
Another way we try to restore the oneness we were created to desire is through milestones and achievements. We have visions for our marriages, and we think that as we accomplish certain things, we will experience the intimacy that we know is missing. Couples think:
When we make more money, then our marriage will be better.
If we can just get out of debt, then we won’t feel as much pressure, and our marriage will be better.
When I get that promotion, it will be a game changer for us.
When we buy that new house, it will make a lot of problems go away.
If we could just have kids, that would bring us closer together.
If we can just make it to our next anniversary, then I’ll have hope for our marriage.
We create these if-then scenarios. If we could just have this or do that or accomplish this or build that or buy this or achieve that, then our marriages would finally be what we want them to be.
The problem is that none of these milestones or achievements brings the oneness we desire. There will always be another milestone. There will always be another achievement. When we look to an accomplishment or a stage of life to provide us with marital intimacy, we will always come back to ordinary.
New Expectations
This last attempt at oneness is why so many marriages become ordinary. When we realize that we can’t change our spouses and we grasp that our milestones and achievements haven’t brought us the fulfillment we thought they would, we create new expectations for our marriages.
In other words, we settle .
We settle for a smaller vision. We resign ourselves to the idea that this is the best our marriage can be. We lower our expectations. We stop dreaming about the future. We give in to the reality that this is the best version of oneness that we can create. Our new expectations lead us to a more isolated marriage that is more about coexisting than thriving. Intimacy is reduced to how manytimes a month we have sex rather than being fully known to our spouses. We come to believe that being fully known in our marriages isn’t possible. Once upon a time we experienced intimacy and oneness in an extraordinary
But God created us to be one with our spouses. Anything short of that is merely ordinary.
HOW WE TRY TO RESTORE ONENESS
When our marriages drift toward ordinary, we often try to roll up our sleeves and fix them ourselves. We won’t go down without a fight. We’ll come up with a plan. We are going to make ourmarriages better. We are going to try harder. We truly believe we can restore oneness. We try to better our marriages ourselves in three (misguided) ways.
I Can Change You
If we are honest, probably all of us think we can change our spouses. Ladies, you truly believe that you can make your husband a better driver. You can make him more punctual. You can make him put his dirty underwear in the hamper instead of next to the hamper. If you complain enough, nag enough, and pout enough, you will be able to change your husband into the man you thought he was when you married him.
Guys, you believe you can change your wife. You truly think that you can make your wife want sex as often as you do. You think you can make her want to watch Chuck Norris movies. You really believe that if you are good enough or on time enough or clean enough, then she won’t get sideways when you go golfing on Saturdays.
The truth is this: we can’t change our spouses .
None of us has the capacity to change a human heart. We think that by trying to change our spouses’ behavior we are changing their hearts, but that isn’t true. By trying to change our spouses’ behavior we are actually damaging their hearts. So many marriages exist full of bitterness and hurt. Why? Because we believe we can restore oneness by changing our spouses. One spouse is upset that he or she is never good enough; the other feels like all he or she does is nag and complain. Oneness slips further and further away.
Milestones & Achievements
Another way we try to restore the oneness we were created to desire is through milestones and achievements. We have visions for our marriages, and we think that as we accomplish certain things, we will experience the intimacy that we know is missing. Couples think:
When we make more money, then our marriage will be better.
If we can just get out of debt, then we won’t feel as much pressure, and our marriage will be better.
When I get that promotion, it will be a game changer for us.
When we buy that new house, it will make a lot of problems go away.
If we could just have kids, that would bring us closer together.
If we can just make it to our next anniversary, then I’ll have hope for our marriage.
We create these if-then scenarios. If we could just have this or do that or accomplish this or build that or buy this or achieve that, then our marriages would finally be what we want them to be.
The problem is that none of these milestones or achievements brings the oneness we desire. There will always be another milestone. There will always be another achievement. When we look to an accomplishment or a stage of life to provide us with marital intimacy, we will always come back to ordinary.
New Expectations
This last attempt at oneness is why so many marriages become ordinary. When we realize that we can’t change our spouses and we grasp that our milestones and achievements haven’t brought us the fulfillment we thought they would, we create new expectations for our marriages.
In other words, we settle .
We settle for a smaller vision. We resign ourselves to the idea that this is the best our marriage can be. We lower our expectations. We stop dreaming about the future. We give in to the reality that this is the best version of oneness that we can create. Our new expectations lead us to a more isolated marriage that is more about coexisting than thriving. Intimacy is reduced to how manytimes a month we have sex rather than being fully known to our spouses. We come to believe that being fully known in our marriages isn’t possible. Once upon a time we experienced intimacy and oneness in an extraordinary
Similar Books
