me feel so tense that I consider skipping dessert, something I wouldn’t normally do. But if I don’t have one, Diane won’t, and because Esther has just professed herself too full to eat another thing, it means that the meal can be rounded up quickly. I weigh the pros and cons but in the end the lure of chocolate fudge cake is too strong. I take another sip of wine, hoping to stave off more of Esther’s questioning, wishing she would turn her attention to Diane for a while.
As if reading my mind, she asks Diane about her son. His eating habits is one of Diane’s favourite topics of conversation, so I get a few minutes’ reprieve while the conversation revolves around how best to get children to eat vegetables they don’t like. Jack listens attentively, as if the subject is of real interest to him and my mind turns to Millie, worrying how she will take it if I’m notable to go and see her over the weekend, because it’s getting harder and harder to explain my absences to her. Once, it would never have occurred to me to wish her to be any different to how she has always been. Now, I’m constantly wishing that she didn’t have Down’s, that she wasn’t dependent on me, that she could live her own life instead of having to share mine.
Called abruptly back to the present by Diane ordering my dessert for me, I tell Esther, when she asks what I was dreaming about, that I was thinking about Millie. Diane asks if we’ve seen her recently so I tell her that we saw her the previous Sunday and that Jack took us out for a lovely lunch. I wait for someone to ask if we’ll be going to see her again this weekend, but nobody does, so I am none the wiser.
‘She must be looking forward to coming to live with you,’ Esther says, as the desserts arrive.
‘Yes, she is,’ I agree.
Jack smiles. ‘We’re looking forward to it too.’
‘What does she think of the house?’
I reach for my glass. ‘Actually, she hasn’t seen it yet.’
‘But didn’t you move in a year ago?’
‘Yes, but we want everything to be perfect before she sees it,’ Jack explains.
‘It looked pretty perfect to me when I saw it,’ she remarks.
‘Her room isn’t quite finished yet, but I’m having so much fun doing it up, aren’t I, darling?’ To my horror, Ifeel tears welling up inside me and bow my head quickly, conscious of Esther’s eyes on me.
‘What colour will it be?’ asks Diane.
‘Red,’ says Jack. ‘It’s her favourite colour.’ He nods at my chocolate fudge cake. ‘Eat up, darling.’
I pick up my spoon, wondering how I’m going to be able to do as he says.
‘It looks delicious,’ says Esther. ‘I don’t suppose you want to share it with me, do you?’
I hesitate, feigning reluctance, wondering why I’m bothering because I won’t have fooled Jack. ‘Help yourself,’ I say, offering her my fork.
‘Thank you.’ She spears a piece of the cake. ‘Did you and Jack come in separate cars?’
‘No, we came together.’
‘Then I’ll drop you back, if you like.’
‘It’s fine, I intend taking Grace home before going into the office,’ Jack says.
‘Isn’t that a bit of a detour?’ she frowns. ‘You can get straight on the motorway to London from here. I’ll take her home, Jack, it’s really no problem.’
‘That’s very kind of you, but there are some documents that I need to pick up before seeing one of my clients later this afternoon.’ He pauses. ‘It’s a shame I didn’t bring them with me, because I would have let you take Grace home with pleasure.’
‘Another time, then.’ Esther turns to me. ‘Grace, perhaps we can exchange telephone numbers? I’d like to have you all around to dinner, but I need to checkwith Rufus to see when he’s free. He has a trip to Berlin coming up and I’m not sure when it is.’
‘Of course.’ I give her our home number and she taps it into her mobile.
‘And your mobile?’
‘I don’t have one.’
She does a double take. ‘You don’t
As if reading my mind, she asks Diane about her son. His eating habits is one of Diane’s favourite topics of conversation, so I get a few minutes’ reprieve while the conversation revolves around how best to get children to eat vegetables they don’t like. Jack listens attentively, as if the subject is of real interest to him and my mind turns to Millie, worrying how she will take it if I’m notable to go and see her over the weekend, because it’s getting harder and harder to explain my absences to her. Once, it would never have occurred to me to wish her to be any different to how she has always been. Now, I’m constantly wishing that she didn’t have Down’s, that she wasn’t dependent on me, that she could live her own life instead of having to share mine.
Called abruptly back to the present by Diane ordering my dessert for me, I tell Esther, when she asks what I was dreaming about, that I was thinking about Millie. Diane asks if we’ve seen her recently so I tell her that we saw her the previous Sunday and that Jack took us out for a lovely lunch. I wait for someone to ask if we’ll be going to see her again this weekend, but nobody does, so I am none the wiser.
‘She must be looking forward to coming to live with you,’ Esther says, as the desserts arrive.
‘Yes, she is,’ I agree.
Jack smiles. ‘We’re looking forward to it too.’
‘What does she think of the house?’
I reach for my glass. ‘Actually, she hasn’t seen it yet.’
‘But didn’t you move in a year ago?’
‘Yes, but we want everything to be perfect before she sees it,’ Jack explains.
‘It looked pretty perfect to me when I saw it,’ she remarks.
‘Her room isn’t quite finished yet, but I’m having so much fun doing it up, aren’t I, darling?’ To my horror, Ifeel tears welling up inside me and bow my head quickly, conscious of Esther’s eyes on me.
‘What colour will it be?’ asks Diane.
‘Red,’ says Jack. ‘It’s her favourite colour.’ He nods at my chocolate fudge cake. ‘Eat up, darling.’
I pick up my spoon, wondering how I’m going to be able to do as he says.
‘It looks delicious,’ says Esther. ‘I don’t suppose you want to share it with me, do you?’
I hesitate, feigning reluctance, wondering why I’m bothering because I won’t have fooled Jack. ‘Help yourself,’ I say, offering her my fork.
‘Thank you.’ She spears a piece of the cake. ‘Did you and Jack come in separate cars?’
‘No, we came together.’
‘Then I’ll drop you back, if you like.’
‘It’s fine, I intend taking Grace home before going into the office,’ Jack says.
‘Isn’t that a bit of a detour?’ she frowns. ‘You can get straight on the motorway to London from here. I’ll take her home, Jack, it’s really no problem.’
‘That’s very kind of you, but there are some documents that I need to pick up before seeing one of my clients later this afternoon.’ He pauses. ‘It’s a shame I didn’t bring them with me, because I would have let you take Grace home with pleasure.’
‘Another time, then.’ Esther turns to me. ‘Grace, perhaps we can exchange telephone numbers? I’d like to have you all around to dinner, but I need to checkwith Rufus to see when he’s free. He has a trip to Berlin coming up and I’m not sure when it is.’
‘Of course.’ I give her our home number and she taps it into her mobile.
‘And your mobile?’
‘I don’t have one.’
She does a double take. ‘You don’t
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