outcome would be a disaster. Even to consider it felt like the worst disloyalty.
I was still frowning when he glanced across at me, his face guilt-stricken. ‘Sorry, Frey, I don’t know what made me come out with that. Obviously I hope it’s fine for
her.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘So do I.’
We turned off the bypass and headed out towards Whixall. Hedgerows loomed past, bleached and skeletal in the headlights. The tarmac sparkled with frost.
Without warning he swung the van off the main road, onto a farm track. The cab bounced hard on the rutted ground and I slammed against the door and hurt my arm on the handle. ‘Ow,’ I
said, but Michael seemed not to hear me.
‘You should know,’ he said, ‘three months after I got married, Kim had a miscarriage. Fucking nightmare, it was. It was one of the problems that helped spilt us up.’
‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. I had no idea.’
‘You wouldn’t have. We didn’t tell anyone; well, I told Melody on the QT. Kim didn’t want it spread about. Madness, to be honest, because it meant there was only really
us in on it.’
‘That must have been hard.’
‘It bloody was. We’d sit there of an evening and there’d be this great black space between us. She was so cut up, I didn’t know what to do to make it better. The whole
business was shit. What I’m trying to say is, these experiences, they stick in your mind forever afterwards and spoil a piece of good news. That’s the only reason I said what I did. I
hate myself for even mentioning it. Melody’s charmed. I’m sure everything’ll be fine.’
He slowed the van and we passed between the last hedges and out into open space. The engine died and he switched off the headlights. Ahead of us lay the fishing lake, a glimmering stretch of
flat black water.
It was a struggle to find the right words. ‘What Melody didn’t hear won’t hurt her.’
‘Yeah, that’s the last thing I want to do. Just, any day now she’ll be decorating the nursery like it’s the Sistine Chapel, and sticking some four-hundred-quid pram on
her credit card. If I could just somehow be the voice of caution. God, I don’t know. Shut up, Michael. Forget I ever said it. What’s your take, anyway?’
‘On Melody being pregnant? Urgh. Too weird.’
‘More scary change on the way for you.’
‘Bog off.’ I lowered the back of my seat and closed my eyes. Gradually the tension between us lifted.
Michael said, ‘You’ll have a sibling, of sorts, a proper one. Have you thought about that?’
A little sister or brother. Some squirming infant dropped into my arms while I stood petrified I was going to drop it or choke it or let it cry itself into a fit.
‘Like I said, it’s just too bizarre, I can’t picture it at all. And Melody, she’s been my mum for twenty-three years. I thought that was it. I thought she’d
finished with babies. Can you imagine her dealing with a nappy, honestly? Her scarves and pendants dangling down in the poo, her velvet clothes with sick on them? And all those bits and pieces in
the house that a baby’ll pull down or swallow or fall over. She’ll have to change. She can’t carry on being Melody.’
‘Does that matter?’
Yes , I wanted to say, I need her to stay as she is. But even through the whirling mess of thoughts and possibilities I realised how selfish it would sound. Melody was never really
my mum; why shouldn’t she move on and mother someone else?
‘You know what? Makes no odds if it’s happening anyway. I mean, change is part of life. You have to go with it.’
‘That’s the spirit, kiddo.’
Something brushed across my scalp and I opened my eyes. Michael, I realised, was attempting to ruffle my hair.
‘Patronising git,’ I said, batting his hand away. ‘I shan’t bother telling you anything in future. Oh, and do you mind telling me what your present was in aid of?
“Hey, Freya, why not bugger off to a war zone for a spell?”’
‘It was only an idea. The guide
I was still frowning when he glanced across at me, his face guilt-stricken. ‘Sorry, Frey, I don’t know what made me come out with that. Obviously I hope it’s fine for
her.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘So do I.’
We turned off the bypass and headed out towards Whixall. Hedgerows loomed past, bleached and skeletal in the headlights. The tarmac sparkled with frost.
Without warning he swung the van off the main road, onto a farm track. The cab bounced hard on the rutted ground and I slammed against the door and hurt my arm on the handle. ‘Ow,’ I
said, but Michael seemed not to hear me.
‘You should know,’ he said, ‘three months after I got married, Kim had a miscarriage. Fucking nightmare, it was. It was one of the problems that helped spilt us up.’
‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. I had no idea.’
‘You wouldn’t have. We didn’t tell anyone; well, I told Melody on the QT. Kim didn’t want it spread about. Madness, to be honest, because it meant there was only really
us in on it.’
‘That must have been hard.’
‘It bloody was. We’d sit there of an evening and there’d be this great black space between us. She was so cut up, I didn’t know what to do to make it better. The whole
business was shit. What I’m trying to say is, these experiences, they stick in your mind forever afterwards and spoil a piece of good news. That’s the only reason I said what I did. I
hate myself for even mentioning it. Melody’s charmed. I’m sure everything’ll be fine.’
He slowed the van and we passed between the last hedges and out into open space. The engine died and he switched off the headlights. Ahead of us lay the fishing lake, a glimmering stretch of
flat black water.
It was a struggle to find the right words. ‘What Melody didn’t hear won’t hurt her.’
‘Yeah, that’s the last thing I want to do. Just, any day now she’ll be decorating the nursery like it’s the Sistine Chapel, and sticking some four-hundred-quid pram on
her credit card. If I could just somehow be the voice of caution. God, I don’t know. Shut up, Michael. Forget I ever said it. What’s your take, anyway?’
‘On Melody being pregnant? Urgh. Too weird.’
‘More scary change on the way for you.’
‘Bog off.’ I lowered the back of my seat and closed my eyes. Gradually the tension between us lifted.
Michael said, ‘You’ll have a sibling, of sorts, a proper one. Have you thought about that?’
A little sister or brother. Some squirming infant dropped into my arms while I stood petrified I was going to drop it or choke it or let it cry itself into a fit.
‘Like I said, it’s just too bizarre, I can’t picture it at all. And Melody, she’s been my mum for twenty-three years. I thought that was it. I thought she’d
finished with babies. Can you imagine her dealing with a nappy, honestly? Her scarves and pendants dangling down in the poo, her velvet clothes with sick on them? And all those bits and pieces in
the house that a baby’ll pull down or swallow or fall over. She’ll have to change. She can’t carry on being Melody.’
‘Does that matter?’
Yes , I wanted to say, I need her to stay as she is. But even through the whirling mess of thoughts and possibilities I realised how selfish it would sound. Melody was never really
my mum; why shouldn’t she move on and mother someone else?
‘You know what? Makes no odds if it’s happening anyway. I mean, change is part of life. You have to go with it.’
‘That’s the spirit, kiddo.’
Something brushed across my scalp and I opened my eyes. Michael, I realised, was attempting to ruffle my hair.
‘Patronising git,’ I said, batting his hand away. ‘I shan’t bother telling you anything in future. Oh, and do you mind telling me what your present was in aid of?
“Hey, Freya, why not bugger off to a war zone for a spell?”’
‘It was only an idea. The guide
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