Read Online Becoming Me by Melody Carlson - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Melody Carlson
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don’t want to destroy everything—”
“Do you still love Mom?” I demanded.
“I think so, but I don’t know…”
Then I thought again of all that church stuff and his Bible study friends. “Do you still believe in God and all that crud you used to go on and on about—or are you trying to figure all that out too?”
His voice grew stern now. “It’s not crud, Caitlin. Just because I’m having some trials right now doesn’t mean that anything I’ve taught you was wrong—”
I cut him off again. “But it means that it doesn’t work. Does it, Dad? I mean, it obviously hasn’t worked for you. How can I expect that it will work for me?” By thenmy voice was getting all ragged with tears (I can only take so much of this confrontational stuff until I fall apart) and so I had to hang up on him.
I just couldn’t bear for him to know that he had actually made me cry. I don’t want him to think I care enough to cry.
And now I’m sitting here wondering about all that stuff. God, the Bible, church—all of it. What good has it done my parents? What good has it done me? And, besides, how can I base my entire belief system on my parents’ beliefs (which seems to be failing them miserably, by the way). I’ve considered discussing all this with Aunt Stephie, but she seems to have her hands full with my mom right now. And besides, everyone knows that Stephie is kind of flaky. I mean, she can be madly in love with a guy one day, and then hate him the next. Who’s to say she won’t be the same way about this new church of hers? No, it may be best to ponder these things in private. Figure it out for myself.
February 23, Thursday (a surprising invitation)
Something very strange happened today. I went to the library during my study period. I had decided to find a book about religion and do some research for myself. I know that may sound slightly obsessive, but all these questions about God and religion are so confusing, so I thought I just might find some answers in this book.
Anyway, I had just settled down to do some serious reading when Josh Miller comes in and sits down rightbeside me. Well, naturally, I just act all nonchalant and cool (the way I’d been acting toward him all week, but usually Jenny is around to sort of buffer things). And so he asks me what I’m reading. Sort of embarrassed, I show him the front of the book, and explain I’m trying to understand things better. I figure he’ll probably make fun of me, but oddly enough he doesn’t. Instead, he says that he understands how I feel, and that he’s been trying to get his life right with God lately too.
I’m just about dumbfounded at that. I mean, give me a break—how can it be that Josh Miller, the most popular boy in school, is trying to get his life right with God? Then he tells me about the youth pastor in his church and how he’s been talking to him a lot lately.
“You go to church?” I ask incredulously. To which he laughs and says, “Sure, why not?” Then he tells me that he knows he’s got some things wrong in his life and he really wants to get things straightened out before he goes off to the state college next year. Then he gets real serious and tells me about his older brother who went to college and got totally messed up with alcohol and drugs and ended up dropping out and now his parents don’t even know where he is or if he’s even doing okay.
“It’s weird because Caleb was always the smart one, getting straight A’s and stuff like that,” he tells me sadly. “But look what happened to him. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t think my parents could take it.”
I was totally amazed—and I thought I had this guyall figured out. So, I closed my book and looked at him. “Well, it sounds like you don’t need to worry about that, Josh. It looks like you’ve got your head on pretty straight.” He smiled, then said he wasn’t so sure.
But then here’s the real shocker—he asked if I wanted to come
“Do you still love Mom?” I demanded.
“I think so, but I don’t know…”
Then I thought again of all that church stuff and his Bible study friends. “Do you still believe in God and all that crud you used to go on and on about—or are you trying to figure all that out too?”
His voice grew stern now. “It’s not crud, Caitlin. Just because I’m having some trials right now doesn’t mean that anything I’ve taught you was wrong—”
I cut him off again. “But it means that it doesn’t work. Does it, Dad? I mean, it obviously hasn’t worked for you. How can I expect that it will work for me?” By thenmy voice was getting all ragged with tears (I can only take so much of this confrontational stuff until I fall apart) and so I had to hang up on him.
I just couldn’t bear for him to know that he had actually made me cry. I don’t want him to think I care enough to cry.
And now I’m sitting here wondering about all that stuff. God, the Bible, church—all of it. What good has it done my parents? What good has it done me? And, besides, how can I base my entire belief system on my parents’ beliefs (which seems to be failing them miserably, by the way). I’ve considered discussing all this with Aunt Stephie, but she seems to have her hands full with my mom right now. And besides, everyone knows that Stephie is kind of flaky. I mean, she can be madly in love with a guy one day, and then hate him the next. Who’s to say she won’t be the same way about this new church of hers? No, it may be best to ponder these things in private. Figure it out for myself.
February 23, Thursday (a surprising invitation)
Something very strange happened today. I went to the library during my study period. I had decided to find a book about religion and do some research for myself. I know that may sound slightly obsessive, but all these questions about God and religion are so confusing, so I thought I just might find some answers in this book.
Anyway, I had just settled down to do some serious reading when Josh Miller comes in and sits down rightbeside me. Well, naturally, I just act all nonchalant and cool (the way I’d been acting toward him all week, but usually Jenny is around to sort of buffer things). And so he asks me what I’m reading. Sort of embarrassed, I show him the front of the book, and explain I’m trying to understand things better. I figure he’ll probably make fun of me, but oddly enough he doesn’t. Instead, he says that he understands how I feel, and that he’s been trying to get his life right with God lately too.
I’m just about dumbfounded at that. I mean, give me a break—how can it be that Josh Miller, the most popular boy in school, is trying to get his life right with God? Then he tells me about the youth pastor in his church and how he’s been talking to him a lot lately.
“You go to church?” I ask incredulously. To which he laughs and says, “Sure, why not?” Then he tells me that he knows he’s got some things wrong in his life and he really wants to get things straightened out before he goes off to the state college next year. Then he gets real serious and tells me about his older brother who went to college and got totally messed up with alcohol and drugs and ended up dropping out and now his parents don’t even know where he is or if he’s even doing okay.
“It’s weird because Caleb was always the smart one, getting straight A’s and stuff like that,” he tells me sadly. “But look what happened to him. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t think my parents could take it.”
I was totally amazed—and I thought I had this guyall figured out. So, I closed my book and looked at him. “Well, it sounds like you don’t need to worry about that, Josh. It looks like you’ve got your head on pretty straight.” He smiled, then said he wasn’t so sure.
But then here’s the real shocker—he asked if I wanted to come
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