one step away from terrorism, and we should all be afraid of that.
BARRY REX: I’m not sure I —
LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, let me give you a history lesson, Ladybird Hope-style. When the Vietnamese got kids hooked on drugs and we had to fight a war to stop it, did we give in?
BARRY REX: Uh …
LADYBIRD HOPE: No! We said “Crack is wack!” and we made sure everybody could have guns instead of drugs. Back before the British were our friends, and they had a mean king who made uspay too much tax instead of just having hot princes who go to nightclubs, they wanted to keep us from bringing freedom to the people of Mexico and making it a state, and George Washington had to chop down a cherry tree and write the “Star-Spangled Banner,” and that’s the reason we fought World War II, and why we keep fighting, because those freedom-hating people out there want to take away our right to be rich and good-lookin’ and have gated communities and designer sweatpants like the ones from my Ladybird Hope Don’t Sweat It line, and they want us all to learn to speak Muslim and let the lawyers stop us from teaching about Adam and Eve and that will be the day that
every
child gets left behind. Our country needs something to believe in, Barry. They need us to be that shining beacon on the hill, and that shining beacon will not have all these complications and tough questions about who we are, ’cause that’s hard, and nobody wants to think about that when you already have to decide whether you want Original Recipe or Extra Crispy and that little box is squawkin’ at ya. And let me tell you something, Barry, that shining beacon will have a talent portion and pretty girls, because if we don’t come out and twirl those batons and model our evening gowns and answer questions about geography, then the terrorists have won.
BARRY REX: Your Don’t Sweat It line is made in China.
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, I can find China on my map, Barry, and these days, it looks a lot like America. All I can say is, these brave girls represent the very best of us, in both evening wear and talent, and I sure hope they’re okay. But if this is a terrorist attack, we will go after these evildoers, so help me, God.
BARRY REX: Anything else you’d like to add?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I think at this point all we can do is pray.
MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!
Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!
Name: Jennifer Huberman
State: Michigan
Age: 17
Height: 5’ 5”
Weight: Super featherweight
Hair: Auburn
Eyes: Brown
Best Feature: My razor-sharp retractable claws. Kidding. That’s an X-Men joke. Gotta say my guns. Check ’em out.
CHAPTER SEVEN
When the muddy waters receded, Jennifer found herself in a part of the jungle where nothing was familiar anymore. Far overhead was a small clearing of blue sky bordered by the wizened branches of thick-trunked trees whose gnarled roots clutched the earth like the talons of some primeval bird frozen midgrip by a sorcerer’s curse. She called out for the others, but there was no response.
Being alone didn’t scare Jennifer. She’d been alone since she was ten, when she begged her mom to stop sending her to stay with Grandma Huberman, the religious nut, who told her God could see into her wicked, wicked heart. While saying this, she’d waved the copy of
Women’s Basketball Weekly
she’d found under Jen’s bed, the one in which Jen had drawn a heart around the picture of star point guard Monica Mathers.
“God doesn’t like lesbians,” Grandma Huberman hissed, throwing the magazine in the trash.
Jennifer knew what lesbian meant, and she knew she probably was one. But she couldn’t understand why
BARRY REX: I’m not sure I —
LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, let me give you a history lesson, Ladybird Hope-style. When the Vietnamese got kids hooked on drugs and we had to fight a war to stop it, did we give in?
BARRY REX: Uh …
LADYBIRD HOPE: No! We said “Crack is wack!” and we made sure everybody could have guns instead of drugs. Back before the British were our friends, and they had a mean king who made uspay too much tax instead of just having hot princes who go to nightclubs, they wanted to keep us from bringing freedom to the people of Mexico and making it a state, and George Washington had to chop down a cherry tree and write the “Star-Spangled Banner,” and that’s the reason we fought World War II, and why we keep fighting, because those freedom-hating people out there want to take away our right to be rich and good-lookin’ and have gated communities and designer sweatpants like the ones from my Ladybird Hope Don’t Sweat It line, and they want us all to learn to speak Muslim and let the lawyers stop us from teaching about Adam and Eve and that will be the day that
every
child gets left behind. Our country needs something to believe in, Barry. They need us to be that shining beacon on the hill, and that shining beacon will not have all these complications and tough questions about who we are, ’cause that’s hard, and nobody wants to think about that when you already have to decide whether you want Original Recipe or Extra Crispy and that little box is squawkin’ at ya. And let me tell you something, Barry, that shining beacon will have a talent portion and pretty girls, because if we don’t come out and twirl those batons and model our evening gowns and answer questions about geography, then the terrorists have won.
BARRY REX: Your Don’t Sweat It line is made in China.
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, I can find China on my map, Barry, and these days, it looks a lot like America. All I can say is, these brave girls represent the very best of us, in both evening wear and talent, and I sure hope they’re okay. But if this is a terrorist attack, we will go after these evildoers, so help me, God.
BARRY REX: Anything else you’d like to add?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I think at this point all we can do is pray.
MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!
Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!
Name: Jennifer Huberman
State: Michigan
Age: 17
Height: 5’ 5”
Weight: Super featherweight
Hair: Auburn
Eyes: Brown
Best Feature: My razor-sharp retractable claws. Kidding. That’s an X-Men joke. Gotta say my guns. Check ’em out.
CHAPTER SEVEN
When the muddy waters receded, Jennifer found herself in a part of the jungle where nothing was familiar anymore. Far overhead was a small clearing of blue sky bordered by the wizened branches of thick-trunked trees whose gnarled roots clutched the earth like the talons of some primeval bird frozen midgrip by a sorcerer’s curse. She called out for the others, but there was no response.
Being alone didn’t scare Jennifer. She’d been alone since she was ten, when she begged her mom to stop sending her to stay with Grandma Huberman, the religious nut, who told her God could see into her wicked, wicked heart. While saying this, she’d waved the copy of
Women’s Basketball Weekly
she’d found under Jen’s bed, the one in which Jen had drawn a heart around the picture of star point guard Monica Mathers.
“God doesn’t like lesbians,” Grandma Huberman hissed, throwing the magazine in the trash.
Jennifer knew what lesbian meant, and she knew she probably was one. But she couldn’t understand why
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