Read Online Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities by Chris Kluwe - Free Book Online

calls (which is a good thing, since inanimate objects traditionally struggle with phone-answering etiquette), but those shipping costs are going to set me back at least twenty or thirty bucks. Hopefully I’ll save that much with the tax laws.
    Second, I can’t do anything totally shocking or horrendous until I’m so big that everyone in the world would be devastated by the mere thought of losing me.
    Obviously, I’ll need to start a reality-television show or something similar to ensure that everyone who has time invested in me will be completely unable to function in any way, shape, or form if I disappear. Even the possibility of not having me around should be enough to drive the world into such a panic that otherwise completely rational people will mortgage away their future for the totally essential services I provide (chiefly: being me), but the only way to make this happen is for me to repeatedly tell people just how necessary I am to their well-being. Remember: You need me. I complete you. If I’m not here, your life is meaningless,and you’ll probably end up starving in a gutter somewhere. I can’t really prove this in any substantial way, but I know
I’ll
be adversely affected if I’m dissolved or broken up, so just trust me on this one. I’ve repeated myself so many times, there’s no chance it’s a lie.
    Finally, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with the perpetuation of my corporation once those on the current board of directors decide to call it quits, but to be honest, I’ve offered them some pretty big bonuses to stick around for as long as possible (no matter how they perform), so I’m not too concerned. There’s no way my board would ever do anything not in the best interests of the corporation and purely for its own selfish benefit, so once I finish my seventh shot of tequila and do this line of blow, I’m going to drive on down to the local chamber of commerce and get the ball rolling.
    It’s time to start living life the way it was meant to be lived—as a soulless conglomerate of ideas and desires whose only concern is to make as much profit as possible regardless of harm inflicted on those surrounding it.
    It’s time to incorporate.

Elementary
    T oday I had the most intriguing case. It all started when a rather portly gentleman entered my office after hesitantly pushing the glass-paneled door aside. Sweat stains marred the underarms of a wrinkled three-piece suit while his hands nervously clutched at each other like writhing snakes. The top of his scalp glistened in the overhead light, and a thinning fringe of hair ran around it like a monk’s tonsure—referred to in current street slang as a Republican mohawk, I believe. He smelled vaguely of hemp and whiskey.
    I leaned back in my chair and crossed one foot over the other atop my battered desk, carefully avoiding kicking my laptop onto the thinly carpeted floor, and waited for whatever it was he had to say.
    “Sir,” he began, tremulously, “I wish to hire you to find something for me, something that I appear to have mislaid. Countless groups claimed they could help, but they all contradicted eachother, and, frankly, I’m in such a deplorable state now that I’ve nowhere else to turn. I heard about your skills of deductive reasoning from the Internet pages, heard about your reputation for honesty and forthrightness. I’m desperate at this point, sir, and you appear to be the last option available to me. You have no idea how hard it is to find an honest man these days…”
    He trailed off into silence, head down, eyes staring vacantly at the floor. His hands had grown still throughout the impassioned plea and now hung loosely at his sides. In all respects, a picture of utter and abject despair.
    “Why should I help you?” I asked him bluntly. I do not suffer fools gladly, and his foolishness was beginning to irritate me. “What reason is there for me not to simply tell you to be on your way, along with your obsequious