Read Online Ball Peen Hammer by Lauren Rowe - Free Book Online Page B

chick for three fucking days—she hates my guts.”
    “No, she doesn’t,” Zander interjects. “She hates my guts—she’s just severely annoyed with you. Once she finds out my dick’s not yours, all will be forgiven. Right, Cap’n?”
    Ryan sighs. “Hopefully. I’ll do my best when I talk to her.”
    I let out a deep sigh of resignation. Fuck . I can’t figure out a way to get myself out of this road-trip from hell.
    “Come on, Peen,” Ryan says. “Time to man up.”
    “Yeah, I know.” I let out another long sigh. “Thanks for helping me, Ryan. I owe you one.”
    “Dude, you owe me, like, a thousand . You’d need seven lifetimes to pay me back for all the shit I’ve done for you.”
    “And that’s why I love you the most.”
    “Yeah, yeah. Go pack a bag and get your ass to bed. You gotta be well rested if you’re gonna have any chance of making this girl think you’re a semi-normal human tomorrow.”
    “Will you call Daxy for me?”
    “Yeah, I got it covered. I’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and stop acting like a fucking lunatic.”
    “Thanks.”
    “But don’t fuck this up for Daxy—I’m warning you. He’s got a lot riding on this album. We all gotta support him however we can. This is big.”
    “I’ll be on my best behavior—handsome and happy, all the livelong day.” I wink at him. “’Night, brah.” I turn and shuffle toward my bedroom.
    “Hey,” Ryan calls after me.
    I stop and turn around.
    “Whatever you do, don’t fuck this girl, Keane. That won’t end well and you know it, and we don’t wanna create unnecessary drama for Dax, like he said. She’s gonna live across the hall from him, remember? He’s not acting crazy about that part. She’s off-limits, Keane.”
    I throw up my hands like I’m offended at the suggestion. “Jesus Christ, Ryan, I’m not gonna fuck Maddy Milliken. I can already tell she’s annoying as shit, a total tight-ass. Definitely not my type.”
    “Well, I think she’s adorable,” Z sniffs.
    “If by ‘adorable’ you mean annoying ,” I say. “Don’t worry, I’ll treat her like a little sister—an annoying little sister who hauls off and calls people ‘dickweed’ before she’s even bothered to provide a fuck’s worth of exposition in her goddamned texts.”
    Zander laughs. “Don’t forget ‘flaming asshole.’ She called you that, too.”
    “Yeah, well, that was only after she saw your baloney pony, you fucker.”
    “No way. She called you a ‘flaming asshole’ way before I sent her a smiling photo of Mr. Happy.”
    “No, she didn’t.”
    “She sure as shit did.”
    “Shut the fuck up,” Ryan says sharply, and we both stop and stare at him. “God, you’re both such fucking idiots.”
    Z and I smile at each other.
    “What the fuck were you two thinking, sending this poor girl an unsolicited photo of Z’s junk?” Ryan says. “Not cool. You can’t be doing that shit, guys.”
    “Hey, I had nothing to do with it,” I say, holding up my hands.
    “It’s true,” Z says. “That one’s on me.”
    Ryan shakes his head. “Jesus, Z. You don’t even know this girl. You gotta be careful with dick-pics, especially with a girl you don’t know.”
    “Ah,” Zander says. “But sometimes a dick-pic to a chick-chick isn’t really a dick-pick to a chick-chick, son.”
    “E-i-e-i-o,” I add, and Zander laughs.
    Ryan looks up at the ceiling, apparently praying for patience. “Go pack your bag, Keane. You gotta be handsome and happy bright and early tomorrow.”
    “Aye, aye, Cap’n,” I say, saluting him. “Don’t worry, come tomorrow morning, Maddy Milliken won’t be able to resist my ebullient charm.”
    “Ooooh, great word,” Zander says.
    “ No ,” Ryan says emphatically. “Don’t try to charm her, for the love of God. No Ball Peen Hammer shit, okay? Just pretend to be normal, for once in your life.”
    “Gotcha,” I say, winking. “Normal shit, all the livelong day.”
    Zander chuckles. “Good