life. I miss him.
Er, Barney ?
Reality hits and a feeling of fear – a feeling I know so well – grips my throat and stomach. I can never be a part of his life. I can never let him meet Barney. For a moment there, I forgot that I’d slept with him, that I’d fallen pregnant with his child. For a moment, I forgot that everything was so complicated.
I turn away from Christian so he can’t see my face as all my positive feelings are crushed to death.
I tell Christian I don’t want breakfast and go upstairs to pack my bags. I take my time. I have a shower and put on some make-up in the attempt to make myself feel half-decent again. I carefully pack my things and then tidy the room for Christian. I feel so sad for him. I wish I didn’t have to leave him alone.
Everyone is in the living room when I return downstairs and I feel self-conscious and on edge.
‘Ready?’ Christian asks.
‘Yes,’ I reply.
‘Are your bags upstairs?’
I nod.
‘I’ll go and get them.’ He leaves the room and I try to find somewhere to turn my attention. I look at Eugen and give him a small smile.
‘Have you got any pics of your boy?’ Johnny asks and my whole head starts to itch as though imaginary ants are crawling around under a thin layer of skin.
‘Er, no,’ I manage to respond.
‘Christian doesn’t either,’ he says, rolling his eyes.
My relief is temporary.
‘I do!’ Eugen interrupts. I stare at him in horror as he reaches behind for one of the photo albums he’s been trawling through since we got here. Johnny takes the album and starts to flick through it.
In what feels like the distant background I can hear Christian lugging my suitcase and carry-on bag down the stairs, but I’m frozen.
‘What’ve you got there?’ Christian asks perkily, going to join Johnny. ‘Aah, baby pics,’ he says, glancing over Johnny’s shoulder.
‘He’s a looker,’ Johnny says, grinning at his friend. ‘Got your hair, mate.’
Oh, thank God. Barney is just a baby in the photos.
Christian laughs. ‘He’s got Meg’s now.’
I find my voice. ‘Come on, Christian, we should go.’
‘Right you are,’ he says.
‘Haven’t you got any recent ones?’ Johnny asks Eugen.
I tense up again, but he shakes his head. ‘No. Mandy—’ He clears his throat. ‘There are some on her computer.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Johnny says quickly, not wanting to set him off again.
I say my goodbyes to Eugen and Joel.
‘Thanks for all your help, sis,’ Joel jokes as I turn away from him to hug Eugen.
‘Yes, thank you,’ Eugen says, with tears in his eyes.
‘It was the least I could do,’ I reply as tears start to fill mine.
‘I’ll see you out,’ Johnny says and I don’t argue. I feel awkward enough looking at him, let alone hugging or kissing or doing neither of those things in front of Christian’s family.
Christian leads the way to the front door and opens it. ‘I’ll put these in the boot,’ he says tactfully, hauling the bags over the threshold and down the front steps.
I look up at Johnny. ‘See ya.’
He gives me a sad smile. ‘Bye, Meg.’
At least he didn’t call me Nutmeg again. I tell myself it’s for the best. I turn away.
‘Hey,’ he says with surprise. ‘Is this Mandy and Barney?’
I whip around and there, on the hallstand, is a close-up photo of Mandy and Barney. A recent photo. Johnny picks it up. I want to scream, ‘NO!’ but it’s too late.
I hear the car boot slam. ‘All set,’ Christian calls. I stare at Johnny in shock as he studies the picture and then everything turns to slow motion as his eyes meet mine. He looks stunned, like I’ve just punched him in the face. And if the similarity between him and Barney isn’t already clear enough, the look on my face will have instantly confirmed his suspicion.
I flee down the steps and climb into the car. Christian, oblivious, starts the ignition. I look out of the window at Johnny, who’s still staring after me, and
Er, Barney ?
Reality hits and a feeling of fear – a feeling I know so well – grips my throat and stomach. I can never be a part of his life. I can never let him meet Barney. For a moment there, I forgot that I’d slept with him, that I’d fallen pregnant with his child. For a moment, I forgot that everything was so complicated.
I turn away from Christian so he can’t see my face as all my positive feelings are crushed to death.
I tell Christian I don’t want breakfast and go upstairs to pack my bags. I take my time. I have a shower and put on some make-up in the attempt to make myself feel half-decent again. I carefully pack my things and then tidy the room for Christian. I feel so sad for him. I wish I didn’t have to leave him alone.
Everyone is in the living room when I return downstairs and I feel self-conscious and on edge.
‘Ready?’ Christian asks.
‘Yes,’ I reply.
‘Are your bags upstairs?’
I nod.
‘I’ll go and get them.’ He leaves the room and I try to find somewhere to turn my attention. I look at Eugen and give him a small smile.
‘Have you got any pics of your boy?’ Johnny asks and my whole head starts to itch as though imaginary ants are crawling around under a thin layer of skin.
‘Er, no,’ I manage to respond.
‘Christian doesn’t either,’ he says, rolling his eyes.
My relief is temporary.
‘I do!’ Eugen interrupts. I stare at him in horror as he reaches behind for one of the photo albums he’s been trawling through since we got here. Johnny takes the album and starts to flick through it.
In what feels like the distant background I can hear Christian lugging my suitcase and carry-on bag down the stairs, but I’m frozen.
‘What’ve you got there?’ Christian asks perkily, going to join Johnny. ‘Aah, baby pics,’ he says, glancing over Johnny’s shoulder.
‘He’s a looker,’ Johnny says, grinning at his friend. ‘Got your hair, mate.’
Oh, thank God. Barney is just a baby in the photos.
Christian laughs. ‘He’s got Meg’s now.’
I find my voice. ‘Come on, Christian, we should go.’
‘Right you are,’ he says.
‘Haven’t you got any recent ones?’ Johnny asks Eugen.
I tense up again, but he shakes his head. ‘No. Mandy—’ He clears his throat. ‘There are some on her computer.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Johnny says quickly, not wanting to set him off again.
I say my goodbyes to Eugen and Joel.
‘Thanks for all your help, sis,’ Joel jokes as I turn away from him to hug Eugen.
‘Yes, thank you,’ Eugen says, with tears in his eyes.
‘It was the least I could do,’ I reply as tears start to fill mine.
‘I’ll see you out,’ Johnny says and I don’t argue. I feel awkward enough looking at him, let alone hugging or kissing or doing neither of those things in front of Christian’s family.
Christian leads the way to the front door and opens it. ‘I’ll put these in the boot,’ he says tactfully, hauling the bags over the threshold and down the front steps.
I look up at Johnny. ‘See ya.’
He gives me a sad smile. ‘Bye, Meg.’
At least he didn’t call me Nutmeg again. I tell myself it’s for the best. I turn away.
‘Hey,’ he says with surprise. ‘Is this Mandy and Barney?’
I whip around and there, on the hallstand, is a close-up photo of Mandy and Barney. A recent photo. Johnny picks it up. I want to scream, ‘NO!’ but it’s too late.
I hear the car boot slam. ‘All set,’ Christian calls. I stare at Johnny in shock as he studies the picture and then everything turns to slow motion as his eyes meet mine. He looks stunned, like I’ve just punched him in the face. And if the similarity between him and Barney isn’t already clear enough, the look on my face will have instantly confirmed his suspicion.
I flee down the steps and climb into the car. Christian, oblivious, starts the ignition. I look out of the window at Johnny, who’s still staring after me, and
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