Read Online Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! by Pj Jones - Free Book Online

wondered just how many men Heather had slept with. And were they all men, or was she into inter-creature dating? Did she like to play the field and mix it up with hobbits and goblins? Or was she one of those skanks who thought size mattered and only dated trolls? Barth knew he couldn’t measure up to trolls, and he was suddenly overcome by a sense of inadequacy.
    He scrunched his brow. “Like, what kind of men are we talking about?”
    “Why? Are you worried I’ve got a sexually transmitted plague?”
    “No.” Ewwww . He hadn’t thought of that. “Well, maybe.”
    She reached up and jabbed a finger in his chest. “It doesn’t matter, Barth, because I’m not having sex with you. The next guy I sleep with will be someone who wants me for more than just my long lean legs, luscious curves and large, perky breasts.” She splayed a hand across her tit. “The next guy I sleep with will love what’s in here, too.”
    Barth’s eyes widened as the fleshy mound jiggled beneath her touch. A tiny bit of drool slipped out of the corner of his mouth. “I do love what’s in there.”
    “Not my tits, Barth!” She stomped a foot. “My heart.”
    Barth blinked hard before shaking his head. “I know. You’ve got a kind heart. You wouldn’t want to save the kingdom if you didn’t. I was stupid for not seeing that before.”
    Heather pulled back as her eyes narrowed to slits. “How do I know you’re not just saying this to get laid?”
    “You’re going to have to get over your trust issues with men.” When she opened her mouth to speak, Barth held up a silencing palm. “I realize that a long time ago your father probably abandoned you or your uncle molested you.”
    Heather fisted her hands on her hips. “I have an awesome dad and I don’t have an uncle.”
    Barth arched a brow. “Or your grandpa beat you.”
    “Grampy?” Heather gasped. “He’d never hurt me.”
    “Well,” Barth groaned, “whatever internal conflict you have with trusting men, I will have to conquer your fears by doing something heroic and stupid and risk my life to save yours.”
    “Or you can just not act like a dick.” Heather rolled her eyes. “That’s easier.”
    “Or that.” Barth shrugged before following Heather down the rest of the winding staircase.
    * * *
    “Drag!” Barth clung to the bars of the enormous steel cage as his heart sank to his gut. His best friend was trapped inside. The giant spiked collar around the dragon’s neck was attached to a chain leading to a giant spike in the center of the cage.
    “Well, it took you long enough,” Drag sniffled as he wiped a tear from his eye.
    “What happened?” Barth asked.
    Drag sat up and stretched his neck. “Do you want the long version or the short version?”
    “We don’t have time.” Heather placed a hand on Barth’s back before glancing over her shoulder. “We need to get him out of here before Douchebagga finds us.”
    “Vanishing Blahniks,” Drag cried out as another tear slipped down his snout. “That’s what happened.”
    “Can you find a way in?” Heather asked Barth.
    Barth nearly tripped over several dead rats as he searched the perimeter of the huge cage. He shuddered. Douchebagga really needed to hire a cleaning crew to come in and tidy up her dark, dank dungeon. And maybe hire an electrician to install some more lights. Barth fanned his nose. The dungeon reeked of something that smelled like rotting corpses. He briefly wondered if there was a Taco Bell nearby.
    “One minute there was pretty shiny new pair of shoes inside the cage, next minute they were gone.” Drag ended on a choked sob before he laid down and covered his face with his large paws.
    After searching the back and both sides of the cage, Barth finally spied the giant padlock on the front, below the huge sign marked ‘ENTRANCE’ in bold lettering.
    “I found a lock,” he called to Heather who was rummaging through some cubbies behind him. “See if she keeps a key