Read Online At the Water's Edge by Harper Bliss - Free Book Online Page B

my friend Trish next to me in tears, all I felt was shame. I was so ashamed, in fact, that I pretended it was all a mistake. That I was fine. You know, employing tactics I learned from a very young age. For a while, I even made myself believe it. Checked myself out of the psych ward after three days with a big smile on my face. I couldn’t feel anything except massive, obliterating shame. It eclipsed everything. Everyone knew better, except me.”
    Kay’s hand is on my thigh, on top of the robe. She presses down hard with her fingers, possibly indicating that she understands. But someone who hasn’t been there can never fully understand. The darkness. A despair so great there’s no way out. And all the world sees is a coward who couldn’t take it anymore. Just another someone who has taken the easy way out.
    “I hadn’t even really planned it. I’m a doctor of biology, I mean, I should know what can do the trick, right? But I could never bring myself to consciously think too much about it. It happened more in a haze. My brain encased in fluff, my body going through motions.”
    My thoughts start to scatter again. My mind jumping from one dazed memory to the next.
    “Trish called my parents, of course. Which was not too bad, because in my family we only believe firmly in one thing: ignorance is bliss.” My usual chuckle at what should be emblazoned above my parents’ front door doesn’t happen. “Obviously, I couldn’t keep up the charade. Returning to my house, to where it happened. Everything a blurry reminder, but a reminder nonetheless. My friends didn’t let me get away with it either, so I ended up seeing Dr. Hakim, one of the best psychiatrists in Boston. He made me come up—because that’s what they do, you see—with the idea to return home. And face the music, so to speak. Haven’t heard a lot of music yet.”
    By the end of my speech, I feel detached from the words. A calmness runs through me. My breath has returned to normal and my chest feels loose and non-constricted.
    “I said you were brave. Coming back here takes courage.” Kay fixes her gaze on me, as if words are not enough. As though I need to see it in her eyes as well.
    “I’ve been hiding out here, mostly. Enjoying this beautiful, idyllic place. Trying to forget, once again.”
    “You came, that’s what’s important. Take it one step at a time. You’ve just been acclimatizing, that’s all.”
    I meet Kay’s eyes. “You’re not shocked or, at least, deeply appalled by my story?”
    “No.” There’s a lot of power in the way Kay shakes her head. “Of course not.” She removes her hand from my thigh and holds it open, palm up, inviting me to put my hand in hers. “Seems to me that, out of everyone, you’re the one who’s giving yourself the least credit.” I touch her fingers with mine. “This one thing you did doesn’t define you, Ella. It doesn’t have to set the tone for the rest of your life.”
    With both of our defenses down, I see all of Kay’s beauty on full display. “God, you’re so together. So wise.”
    “And I didn’t even go to college.” Kay curls her fingers around mine, a small but confident smile on her lips. “Hey, I know you have a lot to deal with, but I’m here if you need me. Every step of the way.”
    Despite being touched by her kindness, I have to ask. “Why? You barely know me. You certainly don’t owe me anything. I mean—”
    “Does there have to be a reason for everything?” Kay doesn’t let me finish. “I’m your friend now, Ella. It’s what friends do.”
    “Just so you know—” I start choking up again. “I’m a bloody lousy friend.”
    “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that.” Eyes on me, Kay leans forward and plants a kiss on my forehead.

CHAPTER TEN

    The next morning at breakfast—more of Kay’s deliciously creamy scrambled eggs—I’m wrapped in silence. The whiskey knocked me out in the end, pushing me into a fitful sleep, but I’m still