he was avoiding looking at my stomach.
I lay down on the exam table, ripping a bit of the thin paper cover in the process, and answered questions from Dr. Harmon. Henry sat in the corner of the room, quiet and observant. I could tell he didn’t want to be stuck there, that he wanted to be more of an active participant, but it was my body on the exam table, not his.
Henry scooted closer when Dr. Harmon turned on the ultrasound machine and inserted the wand into me.
I was about to make a nervous joke about how she needed to buy me dinner first when she pointed at a tiny dot on the screen. “Right there,” she said, stilling the wand so that we could get a better look at the black shape that was my uterus, inside of which was a tiny gray blot.
My heart stopped. It was so small, so helpless, seemingly clinging to me for dear life.
“It’s tiny,” I breathed.
Dr. Harmon nodded and pointed at a rapidly blinking spot on the fetus. “And that’s the heartbeat.”
And in that moment, as I stared at that peanut-shaped spot with its little heart thrumming along, I felt my entire world shift beneath me.
“It looks like you’re around six to eight weeks along,” Dr. Harmon said.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen, at this tiny being sprouting inside me. Henry moved closer, his hand caressing my hair. “There he is,” he said. “Or she.”
I reached above my head and grasped his wrist, the emotion finally welling in my eyes and bursting forth onto my cheeks.
Henry bent down and kissed my forehead and it was then that the tightness in my chest finally began to ease. I knew in that moment there was no way I was going to let this baby down. It was a part of me, but most important, it was a part of Henry. How could I have even entertained the thought of not keeping something he and I had created together?
Later, back in the car, Henry turned to me and asked, “Well?”
I smiled at him, my mind and heart at ease. “I guess we’re having a baby.”
PART TWO
ASSAULT
1
I wasn’t there to send Henry off on his first day as a police officer. His shift started when I was already at work, which was probably just as well so I didn’t have a chance to dwell at home.
Still, that didn’t stop me from dwelling at work.
I kept my cell phone by my keyboard and even though I was trying to concentrate on work, my eyes kept flitting back down to the phone’s glass surface, halfway wishing it would ring and yet hoping it wouldn’t. A phone call from Henry would be good; a call from the police station would be grave.
I came home to a dark, lonely house. It would be the first time I’d spend the night alone there, and though I wasn’t one to be afraid of being by myself, it was the first night I’d be safe in my bed with the knowledge that my husband was out there with criminals and lowlifes. It was unnerving to say the least.
Henry called around ten fifteen, halfway through an old episode of
The Walking Dead
. “I just wanted to say hi,” he said, his deep voice soothing the worry that wound the muscles in my shoulders tight.
“How’s it going?”
“Fine, so far. My FTO and I are out on patrol. She’s out taking a smoke break and getting coffee right now.”
The questions came firing out of my mouth. “Patrol already? And FTO? And
she
?”
Henry chuckled softly. “Yes, I’m on patrol already with my FTO, which stands for ‘field training officer.’ I will be with her for the next twelve weeks.”
I swallowed down a nugget of jealousy, determined not to resent this woman who would get to spend every night of the foreseeable future with my husband.
“Her name’s Sondra Jones. She’s abrasive but certifiably badass, and she’s married to a doctor,” Henry said. “There’s nothing to worry abo—Hold on a sec, okay?” He disappeared from the line for about thirty seconds then came back. “Els, I gotta go. We’ve been dispatched to a scene.”
“Okay, be safe.”
“Always.”
Then he
I lay down on the exam table, ripping a bit of the thin paper cover in the process, and answered questions from Dr. Harmon. Henry sat in the corner of the room, quiet and observant. I could tell he didn’t want to be stuck there, that he wanted to be more of an active participant, but it was my body on the exam table, not his.
Henry scooted closer when Dr. Harmon turned on the ultrasound machine and inserted the wand into me.
I was about to make a nervous joke about how she needed to buy me dinner first when she pointed at a tiny dot on the screen. “Right there,” she said, stilling the wand so that we could get a better look at the black shape that was my uterus, inside of which was a tiny gray blot.
My heart stopped. It was so small, so helpless, seemingly clinging to me for dear life.
“It’s tiny,” I breathed.
Dr. Harmon nodded and pointed at a rapidly blinking spot on the fetus. “And that’s the heartbeat.”
And in that moment, as I stared at that peanut-shaped spot with its little heart thrumming along, I felt my entire world shift beneath me.
“It looks like you’re around six to eight weeks along,” Dr. Harmon said.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen, at this tiny being sprouting inside me. Henry moved closer, his hand caressing my hair. “There he is,” he said. “Or she.”
I reached above my head and grasped his wrist, the emotion finally welling in my eyes and bursting forth onto my cheeks.
Henry bent down and kissed my forehead and it was then that the tightness in my chest finally began to ease. I knew in that moment there was no way I was going to let this baby down. It was a part of me, but most important, it was a part of Henry. How could I have even entertained the thought of not keeping something he and I had created together?
Later, back in the car, Henry turned to me and asked, “Well?”
I smiled at him, my mind and heart at ease. “I guess we’re having a baby.”
PART TWO
ASSAULT
1
I wasn’t there to send Henry off on his first day as a police officer. His shift started when I was already at work, which was probably just as well so I didn’t have a chance to dwell at home.
Still, that didn’t stop me from dwelling at work.
I kept my cell phone by my keyboard and even though I was trying to concentrate on work, my eyes kept flitting back down to the phone’s glass surface, halfway wishing it would ring and yet hoping it wouldn’t. A phone call from Henry would be good; a call from the police station would be grave.
I came home to a dark, lonely house. It would be the first time I’d spend the night alone there, and though I wasn’t one to be afraid of being by myself, it was the first night I’d be safe in my bed with the knowledge that my husband was out there with criminals and lowlifes. It was unnerving to say the least.
Henry called around ten fifteen, halfway through an old episode of
The Walking Dead
. “I just wanted to say hi,” he said, his deep voice soothing the worry that wound the muscles in my shoulders tight.
“How’s it going?”
“Fine, so far. My FTO and I are out on patrol. She’s out taking a smoke break and getting coffee right now.”
The questions came firing out of my mouth. “Patrol already? And FTO? And
she
?”
Henry chuckled softly. “Yes, I’m on patrol already with my FTO, which stands for ‘field training officer.’ I will be with her for the next twelve weeks.”
I swallowed down a nugget of jealousy, determined not to resent this woman who would get to spend every night of the foreseeable future with my husband.
“Her name’s Sondra Jones. She’s abrasive but certifiably badass, and she’s married to a doctor,” Henry said. “There’s nothing to worry abo—Hold on a sec, okay?” He disappeared from the line for about thirty seconds then came back. “Els, I gotta go. We’ve been dispatched to a scene.”
“Okay, be safe.”
“Always.”
Then he
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