me, hard. How can you be so fucking stupid?
I was crying and running for my room, but my mother was pulling me back, grabbing at me. Sweet pea, she was saying. I’m sorry. Caitlin, I’m so sorry.
She tackled me in the hallway. She was crying. Caitlin, Caitlin, my baby. I’m sorry. But you can’t do this to me.
I hadn’t done anything. And I kept twisting, trying to get away from her, but she had clamped down tight and wasn’t letting go.
Baby, she said. Did he say he loved you?
Yes.
My mother howled, some deep animal pain. Her entire body shaking as she cried. Her arm tight across my neck and her wet cheek against mine. I was so frightened. I didn’t know what had happened.
I have to call the police, she said. I have to call right now, so they can be ready tomorrow.
Please don’t, I said. But my mother left me on the floor and went to the kitchen to call. I went to my bed and hid under the comforter and felt so sorry for the old man. He was kind. He was only good. And tomorrow he’d be sitting there on the bench or looking at some fish in a tank and the police would come in and grab him and take him away and I’d never see him again. And there was no way to warn him.
I could hear my mother on the phone. He touched her. She’s only twelve. He had plans to take her away to Mexico. He told her he loved her.
I slept that night only because I was exhausted, and I kept waking from dreams of panic, being chased, and that feeling remained in the day, the closest I’ve ever felt to doom. My hour-and-a-half wait at school in the fluorescent hallways was unbearable. Shalini arrived only a few minutes before class, and she was smiling but then saw my face.
What’s wrong? she asked.
The police are coming. There’s an old man I’ve been talking to, in the aquarium. He’s my friend.
Shalini didn’t understand, and what I saw then was something new. The police taking me away from my mother, because she had left me alone with an old man, because she wasn’t there. No parent or guardian.
I couldn’t breathe. My heart yanking.
Caitlin! she said, and I woke up in the nurse’s office, on a thin bed with my feet up on pillows. No Shalini. Only a nurse.
Where’s my mother?
Shh, the nurse said. She was a big woman. You need to rest. You’re okay. We’ve called your mother and she can’t leave work right now. She’ll be here this afternoon by two thirty.
The room cold and empty, sterile, a large window of gray, day without light. No clouds visible but only a deadening, no air, all come close.
The nurse left me, and I lay still for a very long time, cocooned, staring out that window into nothing. I wanted Shalini.
Then another woman came in. Hi Caitlin, she said. I’m Evelyn. I’m here just to say hello, to find out how you’re feeling. You can talk with me.
She was watching my eyes, my mouth. She sat in a rolling office chair and scooted closer. How are you feeling?
I don’t know.
Are you tired?
Yes.
Are you sad?
Yes.
What are you sad about?
Evelyn was staring at me as if I were in a tank, some new species first swimming in the open to be observed. My arms become fins again, but not of lace or leaves. They felt heavy as rock, fins made of stone, unable to grab at the water. Stuck on the ocean floor, held down as eyes peered in, magnified.
Caitlin, you can talk to me. Are you worried about something?
She would take me away from my mother. I knew that. I knew she had the power to twist the world and change everything. I had to tell her nothing. I’m okay, I said.
You don’t seem okay.
I just didn’t feel like eating breakfast. I’m dizzy. I need some food.
Okay. Evelyn didn’t believe me, I could tell. Your cheek seems a little bit puffy, she said. Did your mother hit you?
The police came in next. They weren’t waiting for my mother. A man and a woman, then the man left. This woman wore a pistol and baton, a padded jacket. As if the old man or my mother were dangerous and might
I was crying and running for my room, but my mother was pulling me back, grabbing at me. Sweet pea, she was saying. I’m sorry. Caitlin, I’m so sorry.
She tackled me in the hallway. She was crying. Caitlin, Caitlin, my baby. I’m sorry. But you can’t do this to me.
I hadn’t done anything. And I kept twisting, trying to get away from her, but she had clamped down tight and wasn’t letting go.
Baby, she said. Did he say he loved you?
Yes.
My mother howled, some deep animal pain. Her entire body shaking as she cried. Her arm tight across my neck and her wet cheek against mine. I was so frightened. I didn’t know what had happened.
I have to call the police, she said. I have to call right now, so they can be ready tomorrow.
Please don’t, I said. But my mother left me on the floor and went to the kitchen to call. I went to my bed and hid under the comforter and felt so sorry for the old man. He was kind. He was only good. And tomorrow he’d be sitting there on the bench or looking at some fish in a tank and the police would come in and grab him and take him away and I’d never see him again. And there was no way to warn him.
I could hear my mother on the phone. He touched her. She’s only twelve. He had plans to take her away to Mexico. He told her he loved her.
I slept that night only because I was exhausted, and I kept waking from dreams of panic, being chased, and that feeling remained in the day, the closest I’ve ever felt to doom. My hour-and-a-half wait at school in the fluorescent hallways was unbearable. Shalini arrived only a few minutes before class, and she was smiling but then saw my face.
What’s wrong? she asked.
The police are coming. There’s an old man I’ve been talking to, in the aquarium. He’s my friend.
Shalini didn’t understand, and what I saw then was something new. The police taking me away from my mother, because she had left me alone with an old man, because she wasn’t there. No parent or guardian.
I couldn’t breathe. My heart yanking.
Caitlin! she said, and I woke up in the nurse’s office, on a thin bed with my feet up on pillows. No Shalini. Only a nurse.
Where’s my mother?
Shh, the nurse said. She was a big woman. You need to rest. You’re okay. We’ve called your mother and she can’t leave work right now. She’ll be here this afternoon by two thirty.
The room cold and empty, sterile, a large window of gray, day without light. No clouds visible but only a deadening, no air, all come close.
The nurse left me, and I lay still for a very long time, cocooned, staring out that window into nothing. I wanted Shalini.
Then another woman came in. Hi Caitlin, she said. I’m Evelyn. I’m here just to say hello, to find out how you’re feeling. You can talk with me.
She was watching my eyes, my mouth. She sat in a rolling office chair and scooted closer. How are you feeling?
I don’t know.
Are you tired?
Yes.
Are you sad?
Yes.
What are you sad about?
Evelyn was staring at me as if I were in a tank, some new species first swimming in the open to be observed. My arms become fins again, but not of lace or leaves. They felt heavy as rock, fins made of stone, unable to grab at the water. Stuck on the ocean floor, held down as eyes peered in, magnified.
Caitlin, you can talk to me. Are you worried about something?
She would take me away from my mother. I knew that. I knew she had the power to twist the world and change everything. I had to tell her nothing. I’m okay, I said.
You don’t seem okay.
I just didn’t feel like eating breakfast. I’m dizzy. I need some food.
Okay. Evelyn didn’t believe me, I could tell. Your cheek seems a little bit puffy, she said. Did your mother hit you?
The police came in next. They weren’t waiting for my mother. A man and a woman, then the man left. This woman wore a pistol and baton, a padded jacket. As if the old man or my mother were dangerous and might
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