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Authors: Jim McDoniel
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vampires.”
The vampire stopped laughing.
• •
The fact that
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
was made by vampires turned out to be common knowledge. Of course, the vast majority took this to mean members of a somewhat-creepy subculture who liked to pretend and play dress-up. Only those obsessive enough to pore over every interview and feature, to examine the hidden themes behind each and every episode, to download leaked script drafts, complete with notes from the executive producer, only they gleaned the truth—that they were in fact members of a somewhat-creepy subculture who liked to pretend and play dress-up, and were also vampires.
Yulric Bile spent every hour of every subsequent day poring over episodes of
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
. He snorted incredulously at their barely above-human abilities. (“Spiders? Rats? Can they not transform into
anything
?”) He marveled at their ability to withstand classic vampiric banes. (“So she can cross running water anytime she wants?”) He laughed far more than seemed appropriate when the vampires were staked and turned to dust. (“A stake through the heart. Why, of course. What else would you possibly need to do?”) But not nearly as loudly as he did at the concept of vampire creation.
“Why on earth would a vampyr make other vampyrs?” Yulric screamed at the screen.
“Fellowship? Companionship?” Amanda suggested from the recliner.
“An army?” Simon added.
“Bah!” Yulric exclaimed. “Pointless. They always fall apart. There!” He snatched up the remote and paused the DVD. A moment later, he was on all fours inspecting the screen. “What is that?”
Amanda sighed. “Lord Dunstan is siring a vampire.”
“This siring nonsense again!” cried the vampire.
“So vampires are not sired?” Simon prodded.
“I just told you, boy. Vampyrs do not make vampyrs,” Yulric retorted.
Simon clicked his pen and added this to a notebook he’d begun taking with him around the vampire. “Then, how do they come to be?”
Yulric glared at Simon, aware that the child was pumping him for information. “It varies.”
“For example?” Simon inquired.
Yulric did not answer. He merely returned to the couch and restarted the episode. “We may continue.”
It took him less than a week to make it through all five seasons, including commentary and special features. Of course,
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
was hardly alone in this genre, and Yulric now turned his attention to other vampire stories. He devoured it all—TV shows, movies, books—from the poem written to impress Lord Byron to the popular teen drama about a pair of vampires in love with the same girl. 13 Unlike Phantom, few featured actual vampires, though every so often, Yulric would detect a brief whiff of vampirism in movements a hair too quick or a stare a bit too predatory. 14 However, there were definitively two common threads through almost all the vampire stories: a steady progress toward attractive respectability and a name, Talby.
After three weeks of nonstop research, Yulric came to a decision, though perhaps not at the most opportune time.
“You will take me to meet the vampyrs,” Yulric said.
“Get out!”
screamed Amanda, pulling the shower curtain out of his hand and hiding behind it.
“Not until you agree—” Yulric was cut off by the most vicious, wrathful stare this side of himself.
“Out! Now!”
she barked.
Yulric decided to appease her. He did, after all, still need her assistance. “Very well,” he said with a little bow, after which he exited the bathroom.
The vampire was waiting on the other side of the door when Amanda finished her shower.
“You will take me to meet the vampyrs,” he repeated.
“We are not having this conversation right now,” she snarled.
“And why not?” asked Yulric.
“Because I’m wearing a towel!” she shot back.
“And?”
Amanda fumed.
“Simon!”
“Yes!” came a voice from downstairs.
“Can you come up
The vampire stopped laughing.
• •
The fact that
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
was made by vampires turned out to be common knowledge. Of course, the vast majority took this to mean members of a somewhat-creepy subculture who liked to pretend and play dress-up. Only those obsessive enough to pore over every interview and feature, to examine the hidden themes behind each and every episode, to download leaked script drafts, complete with notes from the executive producer, only they gleaned the truth—that they were in fact members of a somewhat-creepy subculture who liked to pretend and play dress-up, and were also vampires.
Yulric Bile spent every hour of every subsequent day poring over episodes of
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
. He snorted incredulously at their barely above-human abilities. (“Spiders? Rats? Can they not transform into
anything
?”) He marveled at their ability to withstand classic vampiric banes. (“So she can cross running water anytime she wants?”) He laughed far more than seemed appropriate when the vampires were staked and turned to dust. (“A stake through the heart. Why, of course. What else would you possibly need to do?”) But not nearly as loudly as he did at the concept of vampire creation.
“Why on earth would a vampyr make other vampyrs?” Yulric screamed at the screen.
“Fellowship? Companionship?” Amanda suggested from the recliner.
“An army?” Simon added.
“Bah!” Yulric exclaimed. “Pointless. They always fall apart. There!” He snatched up the remote and paused the DVD. A moment later, he was on all fours inspecting the screen. “What is that?”
Amanda sighed. “Lord Dunstan is siring a vampire.”
“This siring nonsense again!” cried the vampire.
“So vampires are not sired?” Simon prodded.
“I just told you, boy. Vampyrs do not make vampyrs,” Yulric retorted.
Simon clicked his pen and added this to a notebook he’d begun taking with him around the vampire. “Then, how do they come to be?”
Yulric glared at Simon, aware that the child was pumping him for information. “It varies.”
“For example?” Simon inquired.
Yulric did not answer. He merely returned to the couch and restarted the episode. “We may continue.”
It took him less than a week to make it through all five seasons, including commentary and special features. Of course,
The Phantom Vampire Mysteries
was hardly alone in this genre, and Yulric now turned his attention to other vampire stories. He devoured it all—TV shows, movies, books—from the poem written to impress Lord Byron to the popular teen drama about a pair of vampires in love with the same girl. 13 Unlike Phantom, few featured actual vampires, though every so often, Yulric would detect a brief whiff of vampirism in movements a hair too quick or a stare a bit too predatory. 14 However, there were definitively two common threads through almost all the vampire stories: a steady progress toward attractive respectability and a name, Talby.
After three weeks of nonstop research, Yulric came to a decision, though perhaps not at the most opportune time.
“You will take me to meet the vampyrs,” Yulric said.
“Get out!”
screamed Amanda, pulling the shower curtain out of his hand and hiding behind it.
“Not until you agree—” Yulric was cut off by the most vicious, wrathful stare this side of himself.
“Out! Now!”
she barked.
Yulric decided to appease her. He did, after all, still need her assistance. “Very well,” he said with a little bow, after which he exited the bathroom.
The vampire was waiting on the other side of the door when Amanda finished her shower.
“You will take me to meet the vampyrs,” he repeated.
“We are not having this conversation right now,” she snarled.
“And why not?” asked Yulric.
“Because I’m wearing a towel!” she shot back.
“And?”
Amanda fumed.
“Simon!”
“Yes!” came a voice from downstairs.
“Can you come up
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