Read Online American Thighs by Jill Conner Browne - Free Book Online Page B

MORE undignified, nor, I’m sure, can she, which tells us this was BAD because she did willingly take her tiny hiney in there and submitted it to the revolting examination. The doctor pointed out that “although her water, fiber, weight, and exercise frequency were IDEAL (which she did love hearing), he went on to indicate that she was probably aggravating the veins in her leetle bitty rectum (file that one with hemorrhoid) by too much heavy lifting and too many squats.
    PLUS, she was sitting up too straight.
    Okay. Bless her heart, even if it is a size 2. She has just been told that everything she’d been working her butt literally OFF for was what was causing her such major grief in her nether regions. She was obviously shattered by the experience and I can certainly sympathize with a dash of empathy. After all, I have, with great frequency and a fair amount of regularity, been told that everything I was doing was wrong—just not ever, specifically, that I was exercising too much and not eating enough fat.
    The doctor advised her to alter her perfect posture in such a way as to kind of tuck her itsy-bitsy butt cheeks under her a bit, so as to sort of “push” the little roids back up in yonder. To her horror, she discovered that, due to the inordinate number of squats she had been performing weekly, what passed for “butt cheeks” on the reverse side of her size 2 body were too small and too tight to be “tucked” anywhere.
    Now, HERE’S something. Can you imagine being faced with such a thorny dilemma? That your BUTT is just TOO DAMN SMALL to enable you to even SIT on it in such a way that did not further extrude your extrusionary problem? I can imagine my butt being too big to fit in a big ole La-Z-Boy—but too small to sit on? Nah. I get no mental picture of that at all—it’s a blank, total blank. If a whole bunch of y’all have also actually experienced this Too Tiny Butt Syndrome, I beg of you, please do NOT write to tell me about it—unless, of course, you are, like our Queen L, REPENTING of all your past behavior that caused this consequence to be visited upon you.
    She found that the only way she could comfortably sit, without aggravating her “little friends,” was to wedge her little weenie ass up in the corner of a couch, in a kind of half-reclined position. A week spent so wedged, with all her various creams, salves, suppositories, and soothing unguents close at hand, gave her plenty of time to reflect on her many transgressions and she has vowed to change and she believes that, with a great deal of grit and determination—along with help from the SPQ™ Sisterhood—she CAN CHANGE! YES, SHE CAN! YES! SHE CAN!
    Queen L has suffered but she has seen the Light, and not only is she truly remorseful and willing to amend her ways to more truly reflect her Queenly Transformation—she is willing to share her story, her humiliation, and her pain—with all of us—so that, God willing, her experience, strength, and hope will light the Way for others suffering amongst us “who maystill have the belief that there is value in working out, eating right, and staying skinny.”
    I was nearly weeping with joy by the time I finished reading that e-mail, and when I came to her closing, where she asked us to “please pass the cheese fries,” I admit—I broke down. It’s a MIRACLE—HALLELUJAH! SHE’S BEEN HEALED!
    Is There a Cute Doctor in the House?
    It was a good day for e-mails, I gotta tell you! Right after I finished rolling on the floor over Little L’s Tiny Whiney Hiney—I opened a similarly pleasant missive from Queen S, who wrote to say that she had gotten herself so “mature” and also so “thick around the middle” that she found herself with just the slightest touch of the di-bee-tees. Apparently, it was enough of a touch to warrant the issuance and wearing of an official