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Authors: Jill Conner Browne
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conversational gymnastics she would employ to steer the conversation away from that areaâabout ANYTHING. Any conversation that had the word age in itâyou could be discussing wine, cheese, carsâany OLD thing and she would visibly blanch and create some sort of diversionâlest the talk turn somehow to PERSONAL ages.
She had a date once with a man who most of US KNEW for a fact was a whole big lot younger than sheâevidently he was not certain but he was certainly curious. I mean, itâs only natural, I think, for people to WANT desperately to KNOW WHATEVER it is that youâre trying so desperately to keep a SECRET. Most of the time itâs stuff nobody would give a thought to, much less a shit about, until they find out that YOU donât want them to knowâand then they willgo to all manner of trouble just to find out what your piddly-ass, little, insignificant secret is.
Anyway, he was entertaining himself watching her change the subject whenever the word age came up in a sentence, and while he grudgingly admired her ability to dodge and weave, he nonetheless became more and more determined to get to the truth. After hours, over cocktails, dinner, and more cocktails, either she was too tired to tango or he was too light on his conversational toes, but he tripped her up at last.
He casually asked her if she remembered where she was when John F. Kennedy was shot.
Just tell the truthâhumiliation is, well, humiliating and, as such, best avoided. Iâm sure it causes crowâs-feet.
5
Tiny Woman Repents, Vows to Eat Cheese, Pies
A s most of you probably already know, I answer all my own e-mailsâlove getting them from yâall, love writing backâbut I got one this morning that I swear I will frame and hang on my office wall until the end of my days. It will make me happy every time I read it, which I will do several times daily, Iâm sure.
Queen L wrote to confess that she had been brought to the painful realization that she was utterly failing at living up to the Sweet Potato Queen Standard of Living and, oh, she was suffering mightily from that shortcoming.
The first problem area, she felt, was her part-time work as a personal trainer, which was causing her to work out vigorously every day of her life. Although she swore she was consumingfoods from both the Sweet and the Salty groups, as a vegetarian, she avoided altogether the Frieds and Au Gratins.
Okay, now Iâm paying attention to her but Iâm thinking the whole time that I myownself have BEEN a personal trainer and I know perfectly well that it is totally possible to instruct the CLIENT in correct form and what notâwithout exerting onesownself in the slightest, if one was of a mind to, as I frequently was. And since when does being a vegetarian preclude Fried? Hello? Tempura veggies? And why no cheese? Who can resist the Laughing Cow? Sheâs so happy about her cheese and allâalways makes ME wanna join in.
But anyway, Queen L went on to say that, as a vegetarian, her fiber intake level was nearly perfect, of which she was dangerously proud, if you ask meâAND that her âtight little buttâ fit oh, so nicely into her SIZE 2 SHORTS. âFor years now, I have been under the false illusion that all of this was a thing to be proud of.â Her words, certainly not mine, as you should well know.
Size 2, my hind leg. Oh, she was a proud one, all rightâand you KNOW what They say about prideâand where it comes, in relation to destruction. Uh-huh. Little Miss Tiny 2 done been struck down and laid low by a BAD case of hemorrhoids. (My tendency would naturally be to put whatever her affliction was in ALL CAPS, for emphasis, but that particular word is just so creepy to me, I couldnât bring myself to do it. Iâm sure you agree.)
Anyway, her Problem was apparently severe enough to warrant a visit to the doctorâperish THAT thought; I cannot think of anything
She had a date once with a man who most of US KNEW for a fact was a whole big lot younger than sheâevidently he was not certain but he was certainly curious. I mean, itâs only natural, I think, for people to WANT desperately to KNOW WHATEVER it is that youâre trying so desperately to keep a SECRET. Most of the time itâs stuff nobody would give a thought to, much less a shit about, until they find out that YOU donât want them to knowâand then they willgo to all manner of trouble just to find out what your piddly-ass, little, insignificant secret is.
Anyway, he was entertaining himself watching her change the subject whenever the word age came up in a sentence, and while he grudgingly admired her ability to dodge and weave, he nonetheless became more and more determined to get to the truth. After hours, over cocktails, dinner, and more cocktails, either she was too tired to tango or he was too light on his conversational toes, but he tripped her up at last.
He casually asked her if she remembered where she was when John F. Kennedy was shot.
Just tell the truthâhumiliation is, well, humiliating and, as such, best avoided. Iâm sure it causes crowâs-feet.
5
Tiny Woman Repents, Vows to Eat Cheese, Pies
A s most of you probably already know, I answer all my own e-mailsâlove getting them from yâall, love writing backâbut I got one this morning that I swear I will frame and hang on my office wall until the end of my days. It will make me happy every time I read it, which I will do several times daily, Iâm sure.
Queen L wrote to confess that she had been brought to the painful realization that she was utterly failing at living up to the Sweet Potato Queen Standard of Living and, oh, she was suffering mightily from that shortcoming.
The first problem area, she felt, was her part-time work as a personal trainer, which was causing her to work out vigorously every day of her life. Although she swore she was consumingfoods from both the Sweet and the Salty groups, as a vegetarian, she avoided altogether the Frieds and Au Gratins.
Okay, now Iâm paying attention to her but Iâm thinking the whole time that I myownself have BEEN a personal trainer and I know perfectly well that it is totally possible to instruct the CLIENT in correct form and what notâwithout exerting onesownself in the slightest, if one was of a mind to, as I frequently was. And since when does being a vegetarian preclude Fried? Hello? Tempura veggies? And why no cheese? Who can resist the Laughing Cow? Sheâs so happy about her cheese and allâalways makes ME wanna join in.
But anyway, Queen L went on to say that, as a vegetarian, her fiber intake level was nearly perfect, of which she was dangerously proud, if you ask meâAND that her âtight little buttâ fit oh, so nicely into her SIZE 2 SHORTS. âFor years now, I have been under the false illusion that all of this was a thing to be proud of.â Her words, certainly not mine, as you should well know.
Size 2, my hind leg. Oh, she was a proud one, all rightâand you KNOW what They say about prideâand where it comes, in relation to destruction. Uh-huh. Little Miss Tiny 2 done been struck down and laid low by a BAD case of hemorrhoids. (My tendency would naturally be to put whatever her affliction was in ALL CAPS, for emphasis, but that particular word is just so creepy to me, I couldnât bring myself to do it. Iâm sure you agree.)
Anyway, her Problem was apparently severe enough to warrant a visit to the doctorâperish THAT thought; I cannot think of anything
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