Read Online Always on My Mind by Susan May Warren - Free Book Online Page A

they are doing with their new child.”
    “Please tell me I picked the right people.” Raina stared at the file, pulling out a picture of the couple. Rail-thin and academic, with a manicured life, Irene O’Leary seemed the perfect woman to make the right choices for Layla. And Michael, handsome,broad-shouldered, dark curly hair   —well, he reminded her a little of Casper. Loyal. Committed.
    At least the Casper she’d known before he learned the truth. Yesterday, and before.
    Dori touched her arm. “The O’Learys have been trying for years to have a child. They will adore the baby.”
    “Then let’s get the paperwork over with.” Raina pulled out the custody papers. “Where do I sign?”
    When Dori didn’t answer, Raina looked at her.
    “I just need to confirm verbally, one last time, that this choice is of your own volition and that you have thought through all your options.”
    All her options. And those were exactly . . . ?
    “Yeah. I know this is the right decision.” But her words pinged off her, even as she steeled herself against them.
    Please, let this be the right decision.
    She held her hand steady as she signed the papers. Closed the folder. Took a breath as she stared out the window.
    Dori didn’t move. “Did you have a chance to hold her?”
    “I don’t want to hold her.”
    “Just to say good-bye? It might help.”
    And that’s when the terrible roaring in Raina’s chest began to fill her ears. Her throat. She shook her head, kept staring out the window at the airy blue sky, the wispy cirrus clouds.
    Dori paused a moment   —too long for Raina’s liking   —and finally left.
    Raina held the covers to her face, muffling her ragged breath.
    She’d known it would hurt, just didn’t realize the depth of the searing wound upon her heart. She imagined Irene and Michael picking up Layla, dressing her in some pink sleeper, maybe withdoves or bunnies like the ones she’d seen at Walmart. They’d add a stocking cap, bundle her in a snowsuit, and tuck her into her carrier.
    They’d bring her out to their Lexus or perhaps a minivan they’d purchased just for their new family. Then they’d drive home to the perfectly attired nursery, with a shiny new crib, a layette with pink ruffles, and a spinning mobile of angels to watch over her. Irene would rock her to sleep, Michael standing guard, and after Layla dropped into gentle slumber, they’d stand peering over her crib, holding hands. Smiling.
    Grateful. Yes, please, let them be grateful.
    Raina’s breath rippled out, her face wet, and she got up, went to the bathroom, and showered.
    It seemed the best place to drown the noise of her weeping.
    She finally got out, weakened and hollow, and dressed, staring at herself in the mirror   —her sunken eyes, her wet, thick hair. Her body, padded from pregnancy, seemed doughy, still full.
    You will always regret this . . .
    No. She refused to live the rest of her life with regret lining her thoughts. She had to figure out a way to keep going. Start over.
    Even forget.
    She was packing her bag when she heard another knock. “I’m not hungry!”
    “Oh, shoot. Then I’ll have to eat this bagel myself,” Grace said as she entered.
    She set the bag down on the table just as Raina turned. Her expression must have betrayed her.
    Grace’s smile fell. “So you did it?”
    Raina nodded.
    Grace took two steps, then pulled Raina into her embrace. Raina hung on, refusing to cry. Not anymore.
    She gritted her teeth and pulled away. Smiled. “Time to move on.”
    Grace raised an eyebrow.
    “My aunt Liza wrote a week ago asking if I could house-sit for her in Deep Haven while she goes to some art colony in Arizona for the winter.”
    “She doesn’t know   —”
    “No, but it’s a good idea. I’d have a place to stay, to recuperate. Figure out how to start over.”
    Grace took her hand. “You could stay in Minneapolis, you know. No one is kicking you out.”
    Raina shook her head. “I have