Read Online All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven - Free Book Online Page B

“We most certainly did not,” and goes stomping up the stairs.
    My mother sighs in relief before taking another drink and going after her. She does her best parenting on Sundays.
    Kate opens a bag of chips and says, “This is so stupid.” And I know what she means. “This” equals our parents and Sundays and maybe our whole screwed-up lives. “I don’t even see why we have to go over there and pretend to like each other when everyone knows that’s exactly what we’re doing. Pretending.” She hands me the bag.
    “Because people like you to pretend, Kate. They prefer it.”
    She flicks her hair over her shoulder and scrunches up her face in a way that means she’s thinking. “You know, I’ve decided to go to college in the fall after all.” Kate offered to stay home when the divorce happened.
Someone needs to look after Mom
, she said.
    Suddenly I’m hungry, and the two of us pass the bag back and forth, back and forth. I say, “I thought you liked having time off from school.” I love her enough to pretend along with her that this is the other reason she stayed home, that it had nothing to do with her cheating high school boyfriend, the same one she’d planned her future around.
    She shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s not quite as ‘time off’ as I expected. I’m thinking about going to Denver, maybe seeing what’s to see out there.”
    “Like Logan?” Better known as the cheating high school boyfriend.
    “This has nothing to do with him.”
    “I hope not.”
    I want to repeat the things I’ve been telling her for months:
You’re better than him. You’ve already wasted too much time on that asshole
. But her jaw has gone rigid and she is frowning into the chips bag. “It beats living at home.”
    I can’t argue with her there, so instead I ask, “Do you remember Eleanor Markey?”
    “Sure. She was in my class. Why?”
    “She’s got a sister.” I met her on the bell tower when we were both thinking about jumping. We could have held hands and leaped off together. They would have thought we were star-crossed lovers. They’d write songs about us. We’d be legends.
    Kate shrugs. “Eleanor was okay. A little full of herself. She could be fun. I didn’t know her all that well. I don’t remember her sister.” She finishes the wine from Mom’s glass and grabs the car keys. “Later.”
    Upstairs, I bypass Split Enz, Depeche Mode, and the Talking Heads for Johnny Cash. I throw
At Folsom Prison
onto the turntable, fish through my desk for a cigarette, and tell ’80s Finch to get over it. After all, I created him, and I can take him away. As I light the cigarette, though, I can suddenly picture my lungs turning as black as a newly paved road, and I think of what I said to my dad earlier:
There are different ways to die. There’s jumping off a roof and there’s slowly poisoning yourself with the flesh of another every single day
.
    No animals died to make this cigarette, but for once I don’t like the way it makes me feel, like I’m being polluted, like I’m being poisoned. I stub it out and, before I can change my mind, break all the others in half. Then I cut the halves with scissors and sweep them into the trash, sign onto the computer, and start typing.
    January 11. According to the New York Times, nearly 20 percent of suicides are committed by poison, but among doctors who kill themselves, that number is 57 percent. My thoughts on the method: Seems like kind of a coward’s way out, if you ask me. I think I’d rather feel something. That said, if someone held a gun to my head (haha—sorry, suicide humor) and made me use poison, I’d choose cyanide. In gaseous form, death can be instant, which I realize defeats the purpose of feeling something. But come to think of it, after a lifetime of feeling too much, maybe there’s actually something to be said for fast and sudden.
    When I finish, I walk into the bathroom to dig through the medicine cabinet. Advil, aspirin, some kind of