All I Want For Christmas Is A Vampire

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Authors: Kerrelyn Sparks
Tags: Humor, Romance, Fantasy, Urban Fantasy, Paranormal, Adult, vampire
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us.”
    “I told you, good pay and free room and board.”
    “And I told you I doona trust you. Ye’re hiding something.”
    Her eyes glinted with anger. “I took a vow to protect your egotistical hide.”
    “Why would ye protect us when ye doona like us?”
    She arched a brow. “Maybe it’s just you I don’t like.”
    His gaze drifted over her face, then down over her hip-length jacket and tight-fitting jeans. “I can tell when ye’re lying, lass. I can hear yer heart racing and smell the blood rushing to yer face.”
    Her cheeks turned pink. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
    “Fine. Then I have no choice but to investigate you.” The phone rang, distracting him. “Don’t leave,” he warned her, then headed toward the phone.
    Toni made a frustrated noise behind him, and he glanced back. With an impatient gesture, she tugged her hair free from the scarf that had pinned it down. The strands of gold tumbled down around her shoulders. Somehow, she managed to make a simple movement look graceful and beautiful.
    The answering machine picked up, and a woman’s voice filled the foyer. “Ian, I just read your profile, and I’d love to meet you. Are you there? Pick up!”
    He reached for the receiver, then hesitated.
    “What’s wrong?” Toni asked.
    “I doona know what to say.”
    She snorted. “How about hello?”
    The caller gave her name and telephone number.
    “It’s no’ that simple.” Ian couldn’t tell if this woman was a Vamp, and it wasn’t something he could just ask. Bugger. He’d have to actually meet all the women who called after dark. The minute he saw them, he’d know if they were alive or Undead. But what if there were hundreds of them?
    The woman hung up, then the phone rang again.
    He dragged a hand through his hair. “This is too much. I shouldna have let Vanda do this.”
    “Vanda?” Toni asked. “Is she another girlfriend?”
    “A friend. She wrote my profile and put me on the dating site. She only meant to help, but—”
    “What?” Toni walked toward him. “You didn’t write your own profile?”
    Another woman’s voice came on the answering machine.
    Ian turned down the volume so he could talk to Toni. “I let Vanda write it. She said she knew what women wanted to hear. I suppose she does, since so many are calling.”
    Toni wrinkled her nose. “It’s not what I would want to hear. I’ve never read such hogwash in all my life.”
    “Ye read my profile?”
    She tucked her hair behind an ear. “I was curious. I mean, hundreds of women were calling. I wanted to see what had gotten them all excited.”
    “And ye thought it was hogwash?”
    “Of course. ‘My true love will be like a shimmering, starlit princess in my enchanted Highland castle. And I’ll be her devoted love slave, attending to her every waking desire till she’s flooded with waves of sensual pleasure.’ Oh, the rapture! The ecstasy! The nausea!” Toni pointed at her mouth like she wanted to induce vomiting.
    Ian winced. Vanda’s prose did sound overly dramatic, but then Toni’s reaction seemed a bit exaggerated, too. “It’s verra interesting that ye would commit the lines to memory. I’m flattered ye studied it so carefully.”
    Her mouth dropped open, then snapped shut. “You should have Vanda do some serious editing. The way it’s worded right now, it doesn’t sound very…manly.”
    He arched a brow. Was she challenging him again? “I’ll take a look at it tonight.”
    “You haven’t read it yet?”
    “Nay.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m sure Vanda did a better job of it than I ever could.”
    Toni gave him a suspicious look. “It’s not like you to be modest.” Her eyes suddenly widened. “Oh my gosh, are you nervous about dating?”
    He swallowed hard. She’d hit a bull’s-eye. “It’s…hard to explain.”
    “How can you be nervous? Haven’t you been seducing women for ages, so you could get their…blood?”
    “That was different. I’m looking

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