Read Online All I Could Bare: My Life in the Strip Clubs of Gay Washington, by Craig Seymour - Free Book Online

wanted to kick off my teaching career. I was nervous enough simply standing in front of the class, and this incident increased my anxiety.
    I began having panic attacks. During class I would be focused as much on what I was saying as I was on trying to control my face from twitching and my hands from shaking. I mostly did a good job at masking these reactions, but the one thing I couldn't stop was a profuse sweating condition I developed. It started the moment I put on clothes after getting out of the shower. By the time I got to school, my shirt would be completely drenched under each arm. I had to wear multiple layers—undershirts, sweaters, jackets— even when it was warm in order to hide what was going on. It was so fucked up. I had tried to teach a subject I was comfortable with and it had the effect of making me profoundly uncomfortable.
    I'd wanted to connect my personal and intellectual lives, but they had never felt more separate. This became especially clear one day when one of my students, a star member of the wrestling team, visited me in my office to tell me how fascinating he found all the gay stuff. As he talked, he leaned farther and farther back in his chair, which was only a few inches away from mine. He spread his legs, bare in a pair of loose gym shorts, and I could see his blue-and-white boxers peek out from around his thigh. The longer we talked, the more he reclined, until his knee lightly pressed against mine. All we needed was some wacka-do, wacka-do music, and it would've been the perfect beginning to a really hot porn scene. But the funny thing about this was that I felt nothing, not the slightest bit of desire.
    Here was a guy who perfectly fulfilled my jock fetish, an ideal young male specimen—one you'd want to clone, commission a sculpture of, or just fuck silly. Yet I felt none of the stirrings that I might feel if I saw him on the streets. Nor did I reflexively grab for dollar bills as I might have if I spotted him in a strip club.
    Now don't get me wrong, all of this was exactly as it should've been. Boundaries are important in teaching, and I was glad I wasn't lusting after a student. But at the same time, I didn't know if I really wanted a job where I had to check my sexuality—such a major part of who I am—at the door. I was unsure how long I could sustain such a splintered life.
    Stripping provided me a corrective to this. It gave me a platform to express my sexuality in a freeing, over-the-top way. But I didn't know if it would undo all that I had worked for in my career. I had to talk to my academic adviser about it, especially since I planned to write about my experiences in my dissertation.
    "So what do you think?" I asked my adviser and strongest on-campus supporter, Dr. Parks. We were sitting in her office. A black baby doll smiled at me from a bookcase.
    "You feel that you have to do it in order to get closer to your subjects?" she asked, leaning in close.
    "Yeah," I answered. "How can I continue to gain their trust if I'm not willing to try it myself? That's like me saying that I'm 'too good' to do it or something."
    "Well, it's a good idea in terms of the research. But it's also a risk. Academia can be a protective place, but it can also be very conservative."
    "I know, but I feel like it's something I have to do. It's important, and I'm willing to accept the consequences. That's why I did it the first time without telling you. It's my decision and I'll take the responsibility."
    "Well, make sure you're careful."
    "Oh, I will be," I said, making a promise that would prove almost impossible to keep.
    This conversation with my adviser was the second important talk that I'd had about stripping. The first had been with Seth before I said yes to working at the Follies.
    "Just be clear on why you're doing it," he said as we changed the sheets on our bed one Sunday afternoon. We'd recently made a decision to be more diligent about housework since we were now living in our dream