Read Online Agnes Owens by Agnes Owens - Free Book Online

nothing of it,’ she sneered, throwing the vest violently onto the bed.
    â€˜Tell ye what,’ I said, ‘how’s aboot comin’ wi’ me into the Paxton lounge for a wee break? I’ll buy ye a sherry.’
    â€˜I don’t drink,’ she replied through clenched teeth. But somewhere I must have struck a chord for she added, ‘Anyway, I might gie ye a showin’ up. I’ve nothin’ much tae put on.’
    Inwardly I conceded that could be true. I said, ‘Put on that nice fur coat ye got frae the Oxfam an’ ye’ll be lovely. In fact I’ll introduce ye tae a real gentleman compared tae which Proctor Mallion looks like a bit shit on the pavement.’
    I didn’t add that the gentleman was Paddy McDonald. She must have been impressed for she said, ‘Anything tae keep ye happy.’
    We sat in an obscure seat at the back of the public bar, although my mother was under the impression she was in the lounge, and I did not disillusion her. Self-consciously she patted her frizzy hair fresh from the curling tongs. I hoped no one would mistake her for a girlfriend. Doubtfully she informed me she would have a sherry. As I ordered the bevvy Paddy entered. I was glad to see that he was miserably sober.
    â€˜Do me a favour,’ I asked him, ‘I want ye tae meet the auld wife. She’s sittin’ back there.’
    He looked round furtively, but said courteously, ‘An’ a fine lookin’ woman tae. I’m surprised ye don’t bring her here mair often.’
    â€˜Are ye kiddin’? Listen, I’m trying tae get rid o’ Proctor Mallion, an’ this is all part o’ the set-up. Have a word wi’ her an’ prove there’s better fish in the sea.’
    He was aghast. ‘Ye’re no’ suggestin’ I should start courtin’ her?’
    Actually I hadn’t considered this. Paddy would have been as unwelcome a stepfather as Proctor. ‘Nothin’ like that,’ I assured him, ‘jist come an’ sit at the table for a while tae take the bad look aff us.’ Reluctantly Paddy brought over his beer.
    â€˜Meet Paddy McDonald,’ I said in the way of introduction.
    My mother turned pink. I was surprised considering thecontempt she had for him. Stiffly Paddy seated himself, also looking flushed. I thought this was going to be great. The two of them acting like teenagers.
    â€˜Very pleased to meet you,’ he said.
    Her face lit up. ‘It’s a pleasure I’m sure.’
    After the second sherry my mother relaxed and addressed herself exclusively to Paddy. He was listening avidly to her every word. I gave up all pretence at listening because, apart from the fact that I was bored to tears, I spied Proctor Mallion at the bar arguing with Flossie. The upshot was that Flossie conveyed the message to him loudly, ‘Listen sonny boy, you are barred!’ Proctor’s answer was to hurl a glass through the mirror behind the bar. Flossie screamed and ran for cover. My mother gave a moan of fear. This excited Paddy’s chivalrous instincts. He hurried up to Proctor and smashed a lemonade bottle on the counter over his head. Immediately my mother gathered up her coat and ran out the bar shouting, ‘That’s the last time I come oot wi’ you.’
    As it was too early for a bouncer to be on the scene, impulsively I took on the job myself. I’m not all that keen on a fight but if there’s one set out handy before me I have no alternative but to take part. Besides, Paddy was about to be executed any minute. Proctor, whose skull must have been as thick as concrete, was rising to his feet with bared teeth. Neatly I tripped him up, at the same time instructing Paddy to beat it quick. After I put the boot in on Proctor once or twice he was out for the count, and it was easy to deposit him on the pavement. The police van, which is as regular as a good taxi service, cleaned him