takes two people, not one.”
“Okay,” I say, “don’t be so stiff. Got it.”
It’s the day after I climbed into Nathan’s bed. We just got home from school and have about a half an hour before Nathan has to leave for practice. We’re trying to make the most of our time.
Last night was kind of awkward. After about thirty minutes of my trying to get comfortable enough kissing him and failing, I ended up back in my room, where I got about three hours of sleep. I clearly had no idea what I was doing. And it was also kind of hard for Nathan to coach me (or whatever you want to call it) when we have to be as quiet as possible because of our parents.
But now we’re sitting on the couch in the family room and we’re alone. So it’s much easier to talk freely. My dad’s working as usual and Nathan’s mom went out for
‘happy hour’ with a few of her friends from their old town.
“Okay,” Nathan says grinning, “let’s try it again.”
He leans into me and places his lips gently on mine. And this time when he does I’m able to relax and follow his lead, allowing him to train me in how he wants my mouth to move.
He slowly sticks his tongue inside my mouth, gently tracing small circles and exploring every part. I follow suit, slowly sticking my tongue inside of his mouth, enjoying every part of him.
After a few minutes he pushes my body down on the couch and he’s on top of me, pushing in between my legs. Our kiss gets more intense and his tongue is going crazy now, faster than before. I don’t stop him. Instead, I keep up with his challenge as if my life depends on it.
I must be doing something right because his breathing gets heavier and I hear a little moan escape from his lips. I wrap my arms tighter around his neck and try to pull his body even closer to mine than it already is. I want him to know how good this feels to me but I don’t know how.
Then, as if he’s reading my mind, he suddenly pulls back. I keep my arms around his neck as he stares down at me for a minute. His face is about two inches away from mine. He waits until his breathing slows and returns to normal before getting off of me and sitting on the other side of the couch.
“You’re holding back,” he tells me.
“You call that holding back?” I ask him honestly.
He shakes his head. “Not the kissing. The kissing is getting right where it needs to be, trust me. It’s your body language.”
“My body language?” I ask confused.
He nods. “When a guy’s hooking up with you and they make you feel good they like to know it. Just like you like to know when you’re doing something right. You can’t be scared to moan or act like you’re into something. If it feels good, you can’t hold anything back, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
He shoots me a small smile. “We’ll work on it, don’t worry. You’re doing great though.” He gets up from the couch.
“Time for practice?”
He nods. “Duty calls.”
“Nathan?” I call out before he can reach the door.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. You know…for doing all of this.”
He shoots me a small smile. “No problem. Just remember what you said, okay Shell? About not getting upset about other girls?”
“I know. I meant it. Trust me.”
And as he shuts the door behind him I almost believe it.
***
So here’s the thing. I should probably stop kissing Nathan. At least that’s what I keep telling myself over and over again. This is wrong and will probably turn bad really fast if I’m not careful. But the other thing is this. I don’t want to stop kissing him. In fact I have absolutely no desire to stop. What you should do and what you actually want to do are often two very different things.
But it’s not forever. And this is how I justify it. It’s for a very short period of time. Until I’m confident enough to go after Matt and know that I’ll be able to keep him.
And at the end of that time I’ll have Matt or some other boyfriend. And I won’t even be
“Okay,” I say, “don’t be so stiff. Got it.”
It’s the day after I climbed into Nathan’s bed. We just got home from school and have about a half an hour before Nathan has to leave for practice. We’re trying to make the most of our time.
Last night was kind of awkward. After about thirty minutes of my trying to get comfortable enough kissing him and failing, I ended up back in my room, where I got about three hours of sleep. I clearly had no idea what I was doing. And it was also kind of hard for Nathan to coach me (or whatever you want to call it) when we have to be as quiet as possible because of our parents.
But now we’re sitting on the couch in the family room and we’re alone. So it’s much easier to talk freely. My dad’s working as usual and Nathan’s mom went out for
‘happy hour’ with a few of her friends from their old town.
“Okay,” Nathan says grinning, “let’s try it again.”
He leans into me and places his lips gently on mine. And this time when he does I’m able to relax and follow his lead, allowing him to train me in how he wants my mouth to move.
He slowly sticks his tongue inside my mouth, gently tracing small circles and exploring every part. I follow suit, slowly sticking my tongue inside of his mouth, enjoying every part of him.
After a few minutes he pushes my body down on the couch and he’s on top of me, pushing in between my legs. Our kiss gets more intense and his tongue is going crazy now, faster than before. I don’t stop him. Instead, I keep up with his challenge as if my life depends on it.
I must be doing something right because his breathing gets heavier and I hear a little moan escape from his lips. I wrap my arms tighter around his neck and try to pull his body even closer to mine than it already is. I want him to know how good this feels to me but I don’t know how.
Then, as if he’s reading my mind, he suddenly pulls back. I keep my arms around his neck as he stares down at me for a minute. His face is about two inches away from mine. He waits until his breathing slows and returns to normal before getting off of me and sitting on the other side of the couch.
“You’re holding back,” he tells me.
“You call that holding back?” I ask him honestly.
He shakes his head. “Not the kissing. The kissing is getting right where it needs to be, trust me. It’s your body language.”
“My body language?” I ask confused.
He nods. “When a guy’s hooking up with you and they make you feel good they like to know it. Just like you like to know when you’re doing something right. You can’t be scared to moan or act like you’re into something. If it feels good, you can’t hold anything back, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
He shoots me a small smile. “We’ll work on it, don’t worry. You’re doing great though.” He gets up from the couch.
“Time for practice?”
He nods. “Duty calls.”
“Nathan?” I call out before he can reach the door.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. You know…for doing all of this.”
He shoots me a small smile. “No problem. Just remember what you said, okay Shell? About not getting upset about other girls?”
“I know. I meant it. Trust me.”
And as he shuts the door behind him I almost believe it.
***
So here’s the thing. I should probably stop kissing Nathan. At least that’s what I keep telling myself over and over again. This is wrong and will probably turn bad really fast if I’m not careful. But the other thing is this. I don’t want to stop kissing him. In fact I have absolutely no desire to stop. What you should do and what you actually want to do are often two very different things.
But it’s not forever. And this is how I justify it. It’s for a very short period of time. Until I’m confident enough to go after Matt and know that I’ll be able to keep him.
And at the end of that time I’ll have Matt or some other boyfriend. And I won’t even be
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