hear?
And we nodded that we did.
I want to be angry with her. But Iâm scared to in case she finds out and doesnât come for us and then itâll all be my fault again. I want to hate her but I canât hate my Nanny, not when sheâs all we have.
Itâs late now. Maybe Daddy will come tomorrow. Maybe even Mum will come tomorrow.
In the morning, the dormitory lights come on and Sister Gabriel is walking between the beds ringing a bell. The stars are still shining in the dark blue sky and the windows are white with frost. We get up and make our beds.
Not like that, child, pyjamas inside your pillowcase.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Bottom sheet tucked in, folded at the corner.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Get washed and dressed and ready for mass.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
We line up behind girls pushing and shoving each other away from the big cream washbasins against the wall. We wash and come back to our beds, get dressed. Iâve forgotten my slip. I donât have time to put it on, so I hide it in my pillowcase and chase downstairs after the other girls. By seven oâclock, the dormitory, stairway and corridors are empty and weâre lined up in pairs in the dark icy playground.
A big girl at the front of the line complains to the nun with a black eye, Why canât we go through the corridor, Sister Ellen? Itâs all right for you out here with them big bloomers. The girls around her titter behind their hands but the nun with the black eye keeps walking down the line counting heads and, when sheâs happy everyone is here, she rings her bell. A door ahead of us creaks open and the line shuffles forward.
At the chapel door thereâs an old nun standing beside a brown cardboard box. Bigger girls ahead of me bend down to the box but I canât see what theyâre doing the way they gather round. All I see are backs and girls bending before they go inside. I donât know what to do. Iâm sure theyâre putting money in and I donât have any. I look for Pippa. I think sheâs behind me but thereâre too many strange faces blocking the way. I canât see Mona either. Maybe if I tell the old nun I have no money sheâll let me in without any, but you never know what nuns will do. She might drag me before the Reverend Mother whoâd stand me in a corner and threaten me with her walking stick. I wonder if I should try and sneak in but if I get caught Iâll be in twice as much trouble. Iâm cold, but my neck sweats and I try looking for my sisters again but Iâm pushed along in the crowd till Iâm standing in front of the old nun. She looks down at me. I look up at her with the palms of my hands out straight so she can see I have no money. She looks in the box then I look in the box. The box is full of green pixiehats with spikes like walking sticks on top. I take one and follow inside the chapel but Sister Gabriel rushes across to me wagging her finger, and whispering.
Whereâs your hat, child. You canât come into church without covering your head.
I put it on.
Thatâs no way to wear a hat, child.
She grabs me by the arm and lifts me so my feet dangle above the floor and when she lets me down again Iâm back out in the corridor where Sister Gabriel doesnât have to whisper anymore. Other girls giggle and my cheeks burn when Sister Gabriel warns me, Donât pull your hat over your ears like an idiot. It must sit on top of your head, but tilted to the left.
I put the hat back on but she yells, The left.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Get inside and catch Lucy Flynnâs hand. Sheâs the girl sitting on the bed when you arrived yesterday.
Lucy Flynn is waiting for me under the balcony with her hat on but mine keeps falling on the floor. Lucy gives me a nod of her head and shrug of her shoulders that I think means donât worry about right or left just stick it on your head and come on. So I do.
Reverend Mother is glaring
And we nodded that we did.
I want to be angry with her. But Iâm scared to in case she finds out and doesnât come for us and then itâll all be my fault again. I want to hate her but I canât hate my Nanny, not when sheâs all we have.
Itâs late now. Maybe Daddy will come tomorrow. Maybe even Mum will come tomorrow.
In the morning, the dormitory lights come on and Sister Gabriel is walking between the beds ringing a bell. The stars are still shining in the dark blue sky and the windows are white with frost. We get up and make our beds.
Not like that, child, pyjamas inside your pillowcase.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Bottom sheet tucked in, folded at the corner.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Get washed and dressed and ready for mass.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
We line up behind girls pushing and shoving each other away from the big cream washbasins against the wall. We wash and come back to our beds, get dressed. Iâve forgotten my slip. I donât have time to put it on, so I hide it in my pillowcase and chase downstairs after the other girls. By seven oâclock, the dormitory, stairway and corridors are empty and weâre lined up in pairs in the dark icy playground.
A big girl at the front of the line complains to the nun with a black eye, Why canât we go through the corridor, Sister Ellen? Itâs all right for you out here with them big bloomers. The girls around her titter behind their hands but the nun with the black eye keeps walking down the line counting heads and, when sheâs happy everyone is here, she rings her bell. A door ahead of us creaks open and the line shuffles forward.
At the chapel door thereâs an old nun standing beside a brown cardboard box. Bigger girls ahead of me bend down to the box but I canât see what theyâre doing the way they gather round. All I see are backs and girls bending before they go inside. I donât know what to do. Iâm sure theyâre putting money in and I donât have any. I look for Pippa. I think sheâs behind me but thereâre too many strange faces blocking the way. I canât see Mona either. Maybe if I tell the old nun I have no money sheâll let me in without any, but you never know what nuns will do. She might drag me before the Reverend Mother whoâd stand me in a corner and threaten me with her walking stick. I wonder if I should try and sneak in but if I get caught Iâll be in twice as much trouble. Iâm cold, but my neck sweats and I try looking for my sisters again but Iâm pushed along in the crowd till Iâm standing in front of the old nun. She looks down at me. I look up at her with the palms of my hands out straight so she can see I have no money. She looks in the box then I look in the box. The box is full of green pixiehats with spikes like walking sticks on top. I take one and follow inside the chapel but Sister Gabriel rushes across to me wagging her finger, and whispering.
Whereâs your hat, child. You canât come into church without covering your head.
I put it on.
Thatâs no way to wear a hat, child.
She grabs me by the arm and lifts me so my feet dangle above the floor and when she lets me down again Iâm back out in the corridor where Sister Gabriel doesnât have to whisper anymore. Other girls giggle and my cheeks burn when Sister Gabriel warns me, Donât pull your hat over your ears like an idiot. It must sit on top of your head, but tilted to the left.
I put the hat back on but she yells, The left.
Yes, Sister Gabriel.
Get inside and catch Lucy Flynnâs hand. Sheâs the girl sitting on the bed when you arrived yesterday.
Lucy Flynn is waiting for me under the balcony with her hat on but mine keeps falling on the floor. Lucy gives me a nod of her head and shrug of her shoulders that I think means donât worry about right or left just stick it on your head and come on. So I do.
Reverend Mother is glaring
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