Read Online A Place I've Never Been by David Leavitt - Free Book Online

called Red. He was an amiable, absent-minded man, and he stared at me in earnest, trying tofigure out who I was.
    â€œYou remember Diana’s friend Ellen, from college, don’t you?”
    â€œOh yes,” he said. “Of course.” Clearly he knew nothing. I believe his wife liked to keep him in a perpetual dark like that, so that he wouldn’t be distracted from earning money.
    â€œEllen’s a social worker,” Marjorie said, “at the state hospital at Milpitas. So Diana and I thought it would be a good idea to seat her next to the schizophrenic girl, don’t you think?”
    â€œOh yes,” Red said. “Definitely. I imagine they’ll have a lot of things to talk about.”
    A little tinkling bell rang, and Marjorie said, “Oh goodness, that’s my cue. Be a dear, and do take care of Natalie.” Squeezing my hand, she was gone. She had won, and she was glorying in her victory. And not for the first time that day, I wondered: Why is it that the people who always win always win?
    The guests were beginning to move outdoors, to the garden, where the ceremony was taking place. Lost in the crowd, I spied Walter and maneuvered my way next to him. “How’s it going, little one?” he said.
    â€œI feel like a piece of shit,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood to make small talk.
    â€œThat’s what weddings are for,” he said cheerfully. We headed through a pair of French doors into a small, beautiful garden, full of blooming roses and wreaths and huge baskets of wisteria and lilies. Handsome, uniformed men—mostly brothers of the groom, I presumed—were helping everyone to their seats. Thinking we were a couple, one of them escorted Walter and me to one of the back rows, along with several other young couples, who had brought their babies and might have to run out to change a diaper orsomething in the middle of the ceremony.
    As soon as everyone was seated the string quartet in the corner began to play something sweet and Chopin-like, and then the procession started—first Diana’s sister, who was matron of honor; then the bridesmaids, each arm in arm with an usher, each dressed in a different pastel dress which was coordinated perfectly with her bouquet; and then, finally, Diana herself, looking resplendent in her white dress. Everyone gave out little oohs and aahs as she entered, locked tight between her parents. It had been two years since we’d seen each other, and looking at her, I thought I’d cry. I felt like such a piece of nothing, such a worthless piece of garbage without her—she was really that beautiful. Her hair was growing back, which was the worst thing. She had it braided and piled on her head and woven with wildflowers. Her skin was flawless, smooth—skin I’d touched hundreds, thousands of times—and there was an astonishing brightness about her eyes, as if she could see right through everything to its very heart. From the altar, the groom looked on, grinning like an idiot, a proud possessor who seemed to be saying, with his teary grin, see, look what I’ve got, look what chose me. And Diana too, approaching him at the altar, was all bright smiles, no doubt, no regret or hesitation registering in her face, and I wondered what she was thinking now: if she was thinking about her other life, her long committed days and nights as a lesbian.
    The music stopped. They stood, backs to us, the audience, before the reverent reverend. He began to lecture them solemnly. And then I saw it. I saw myself stand up, run to the front of the garden, and before anyone could say anything, do anything, pull out the gun and consummate, all over the grass, my own splendid marriage to vengeance.
    But of course I didn’t do anything like that. Instead I just sat there with Walter andlistened as Diana, love of my life, my lover, my life, repeated the marriage vows, her voice a little trembly, as if to suggest