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Authors: Sir P G Wodehouse
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The defence, of course, pleaded that
Clutterbuck had run into Frisby, and everything turned on the
evidence of a Miss Linda Gilpin, who happened to be passing
at the time and was an eye witness of the collision. It was my
duty to examine her and make it plain to the jury that she was
cockeyed and her testimony as full of holes as a Swiss cheese.'
It is probable that Gally would have made at this point some
ejaculation expressive of interest and concern, but he chanced
at the moment to be drinking beer. It was not till he had
finished choking and had been slapped on the back by a
passing waiter that he was in a condition to offer any comment,
and even then he was unable to, for John had resumed
his narrative.
'You can imagine my feelings. The court reeled about me. I
thought for a moment I wouldn't be able to carry on.'
The drama of the situation was not lost on Gally. His
eyeglass flew from its base.
'But you did carry on?'
'I did, and in about a minute and a half I had her tied in
knots. She hadn't a leg to stand on.'
'You led her on to damaging admissions?'
'Yes.'
'All that "Would it be fair to say" and "Is it not a fact" sort
of thing?'
'Yes.'
'Did you wag a finger in her face?'
'Of course I didn't.'
'I thought that was always done. But you gave her the
works?'
'Yes.'
'And she resented it?'
'Yes.'
'Did you win your case?'
'Yes.'
'That must have pleased Clutterbuck.'
'Yes.'
'Did you see her afterwards?'
'No. She wrote me a note saying the engagement was off.'
Gally replaced his monocle. The look in the eye to which he
fitted it and in the other eye which went through life in the
nude was not an encouraging one. Nor was his 'H'm' a 'H'm'
calculated to engender optimism.
'You're in a spot, Johnny.'
'Yes.'
'You will have to do some heavy pleading if those wedding
bells are to ring out in the little village church or wherever you
were planning to have them ring out. And the problem that
confronts us is How is that pleading to be done?'
'I don't follow you. She's at the castle.'
'Exactly, and you aren't.'
'But you'll invite me there.'
Gally shook his head. It pained him to be compelled to act
as a black frost in his young friend's garden of dreams, but facts
had to be faced.
'Impossible. Nothing would please me more, Johnny, than
to slip you into the old homestead, but you don't realize what
my position there is. Connie can't exclude me from the
premises, I being a chartered member of the family, but she
views me with concern and her conversation on the rare
occasions when she speaks to me generally consists of eulogies
of the various trains back to the metropolis. Any attempt on
my part to ring in a friend would rouse the tigress that sleeps
within her. You would be lucky if you lasted five minutes. She
would have you by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the
trousers and be giving you the bum's rush before you had
finished brushing your feet on the mat. I know just how you
are feeling, and I couldn't be sorrier not to be able to oblige
you, but there it is. You'll have to go back to London and leave
me to look after your affairs. And if I may say so,' said Gally
modestly, 'they could scarcely be in better hands. I will do the
pleading with L. Gilpin, and I confidently expect to play on
her as on a stringed instrument.'
The words brought to his mind a very funny story about a
member of the Pelican Club who had once tried to learn to
play the banjo, but something whispered to him that this was
not the moment to tell it. He gave John's shoulder another
fatherly pat and set off on the long trek back to the castle.
John, his face more than ever like that of Fruity Biffen, put
in an order for another beer.
CHAPTER FIVE
In order to avoid the glare of the sun and the society of the
Duke of Dunstable, who had suddenly become extremely
adhesive, Vanessa Polk had slipped away after lunch to one
of the shady nooks with which the grounds of Blandings
Castle were so liberally provided, and was sitting
Clutterbuck had run into Frisby, and everything turned on the
evidence of a Miss Linda Gilpin, who happened to be passing
at the time and was an eye witness of the collision. It was my
duty to examine her and make it plain to the jury that she was
cockeyed and her testimony as full of holes as a Swiss cheese.'
It is probable that Gally would have made at this point some
ejaculation expressive of interest and concern, but he chanced
at the moment to be drinking beer. It was not till he had
finished choking and had been slapped on the back by a
passing waiter that he was in a condition to offer any comment,
and even then he was unable to, for John had resumed
his narrative.
'You can imagine my feelings. The court reeled about me. I
thought for a moment I wouldn't be able to carry on.'
The drama of the situation was not lost on Gally. His
eyeglass flew from its base.
'But you did carry on?'
'I did, and in about a minute and a half I had her tied in
knots. She hadn't a leg to stand on.'
'You led her on to damaging admissions?'
'Yes.'
'All that "Would it be fair to say" and "Is it not a fact" sort
of thing?'
'Yes.'
'Did you wag a finger in her face?'
'Of course I didn't.'
'I thought that was always done. But you gave her the
works?'
'Yes.'
'And she resented it?'
'Yes.'
'Did you win your case?'
'Yes.'
'That must have pleased Clutterbuck.'
'Yes.'
'Did you see her afterwards?'
'No. She wrote me a note saying the engagement was off.'
Gally replaced his monocle. The look in the eye to which he
fitted it and in the other eye which went through life in the
nude was not an encouraging one. Nor was his 'H'm' a 'H'm'
calculated to engender optimism.
'You're in a spot, Johnny.'
'Yes.'
'You will have to do some heavy pleading if those wedding
bells are to ring out in the little village church or wherever you
were planning to have them ring out. And the problem that
confronts us is How is that pleading to be done?'
'I don't follow you. She's at the castle.'
'Exactly, and you aren't.'
'But you'll invite me there.'
Gally shook his head. It pained him to be compelled to act
as a black frost in his young friend's garden of dreams, but facts
had to be faced.
'Impossible. Nothing would please me more, Johnny, than
to slip you into the old homestead, but you don't realize what
my position there is. Connie can't exclude me from the
premises, I being a chartered member of the family, but she
views me with concern and her conversation on the rare
occasions when she speaks to me generally consists of eulogies
of the various trains back to the metropolis. Any attempt on
my part to ring in a friend would rouse the tigress that sleeps
within her. You would be lucky if you lasted five minutes. She
would have you by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the
trousers and be giving you the bum's rush before you had
finished brushing your feet on the mat. I know just how you
are feeling, and I couldn't be sorrier not to be able to oblige
you, but there it is. You'll have to go back to London and leave
me to look after your affairs. And if I may say so,' said Gally
modestly, 'they could scarcely be in better hands. I will do the
pleading with L. Gilpin, and I confidently expect to play on
her as on a stringed instrument.'
The words brought to his mind a very funny story about a
member of the Pelican Club who had once tried to learn to
play the banjo, but something whispered to him that this was
not the moment to tell it. He gave John's shoulder another
fatherly pat and set off on the long trek back to the castle.
John, his face more than ever like that of Fruity Biffen, put
in an order for another beer.
CHAPTER FIVE
In order to avoid the glare of the sun and the society of the
Duke of Dunstable, who had suddenly become extremely
adhesive, Vanessa Polk had slipped away after lunch to one
of the shady nooks with which the grounds of Blandings
Castle were so liberally provided, and was sitting
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