Read Online A Living Dead Love Story Series by Rusty Fischer - Free Book Online
Authors: Rusty Fischer
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more like someone has turned the thermostat downâinside my body; like Iâve gone from 98.6 degrees to 68.9 in zero seconds flat.
What.
The.
Hell?
Naturally, I go online. I start by Googling the keyword âlightning,â hoping some site, somewhere, will explain, well â¦something. You know, like maybe thereâs a blog out there somewhere called www.youarenotdeadMaddy.com that will list all the symptoms of a lightning strike with the final diagnosis being âHave some warm milk, Maddy, get some sleep, and in the morning your heartbeat and lung capacity will return, and by the time you pick up Hazel for school, youâll forget this whole thing ever happened.â (Okay, maybe not
that
personal, but â¦still.)
Believe it or not, I do
not
find such a site.
I
do
learn a few nifty things about lightning, though.
Case in point: Did you know that the typical lightning bolt contains over 1 million volts of electricity? That some can even have up to
30 million volts?
Now, on the other end of the spectrum, did you know it only takes about 5,000 volts in those little Vaseline-covered defibrillator paddles for a doctor to bring you back to life in the ER?
So, if only a few thousand volts can save a life, why wouldnât one millionâlet alone 30 millionâgive you â¦the afterlife? I mean, could
that
explain why Iâve got no heartbeat but am still, technically anyway, alive?
But what creature of the undead has no pulse?
Can lie facedown in a puddle for two hours? Doesnât need to breathe?
I know vampires
have
to have a pulse because, letâs face it, blood is their god.
And werewolves, well, you
always
see them breathing heavily after chasing some mere mortal down and snorting out globs of phlegm and drool when they attack, so they
must
have some pretty decent undead lung capacity.
Ghosts? Been there. Not that.
Mummy? No Egyptian curses or toilet paper wrapped around my legs.
Frankenstein? No mad doctor anywhere around that I can see.
There is only one remaining possibility, so with trembling hands I Google âwhat are the physical traits of a zombie?â and, once I get past all the
Night of the Living Dead
links, I discover a helpful little site called www.youmightbeazombieif.blogspot.com .
Amazingly, thereâs a quiz called âYou Might Be a Zombie If â¦â and, unbelievably, I actually take this quiz â¦with a totally straight face and my tongue out, as if my very lifeâ
Afterlife?
âdepends on it.
Hereâs what I come up with:
QUESTION: HAVE YOU RECENTLY EXPERIENCED AN ELECTRICAL ANOMALY, SUCH AS SLAMMING INTO A POWER LINE, BEING TASERED BY THE COPS (WHILE STANDING IN A PUDDLE), SPENDING THE NIGHT AT A POWER PLANT, GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, ETC.?
ANSWER: YES .
And thank you for using âanomolyâ in context
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU RECENTLY LOST CONSCIOUSNESS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ONLY TO AWAKE FEELING â¦STRANGE?
ANSWER:
I know I shouldnât answer a question with another question, but â¦does lying facedown in a mud puddle for two straight hours and waking up with no pulse count?
YES .
QUESTION: IS YOUR HEART CURRENTLY BEATING?
ANSWER: NO .
Seriously, not even a little
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANY SHORTNESS OF BREATH RECENTLY?
ANSWER:
Does no breath count as shortness of breath? If so â¦
YES.
And Iâm still experiencing it
.
QUESTION: ARE YOU EXPERIENCING COLD FLASHES?
ANSWER: YES .
And theyâre actually getting colder
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP SINCE THE ELECTRICAL ANOMALY?
ANSWER: NO .
And itâs the middle of the night and Iâm not even tired; not even a little
.
QUESTION: DO YOU HAVE AN INEXPLICABLE, SUDDEN, AND OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO EAT â¦BRAINS?
ANSWER:
Uhhm, not until this very minute, but ⦠now that you mention it â¦as a matter of fact â¦
YES.
I. DO
.
After I answer all the questions and hit enter on the final page, the
What.
The.
Hell?
Naturally, I go online. I start by Googling the keyword âlightning,â hoping some site, somewhere, will explain, well â¦something. You know, like maybe thereâs a blog out there somewhere called www.youarenotdeadMaddy.com that will list all the symptoms of a lightning strike with the final diagnosis being âHave some warm milk, Maddy, get some sleep, and in the morning your heartbeat and lung capacity will return, and by the time you pick up Hazel for school, youâll forget this whole thing ever happened.â (Okay, maybe not
that
personal, but â¦still.)
Believe it or not, I do
not
find such a site.
I
do
learn a few nifty things about lightning, though.
Case in point: Did you know that the typical lightning bolt contains over 1 million volts of electricity? That some can even have up to
30 million volts?
Now, on the other end of the spectrum, did you know it only takes about 5,000 volts in those little Vaseline-covered defibrillator paddles for a doctor to bring you back to life in the ER?
So, if only a few thousand volts can save a life, why wouldnât one millionâlet alone 30 millionâgive you â¦the afterlife? I mean, could
that
explain why Iâve got no heartbeat but am still, technically anyway, alive?
But what creature of the undead has no pulse?
Can lie facedown in a puddle for two hours? Doesnât need to breathe?
I know vampires
have
to have a pulse because, letâs face it, blood is their god.
And werewolves, well, you
always
see them breathing heavily after chasing some mere mortal down and snorting out globs of phlegm and drool when they attack, so they
must
have some pretty decent undead lung capacity.
Ghosts? Been there. Not that.
Mummy? No Egyptian curses or toilet paper wrapped around my legs.
Frankenstein? No mad doctor anywhere around that I can see.
There is only one remaining possibility, so with trembling hands I Google âwhat are the physical traits of a zombie?â and, once I get past all the
Night of the Living Dead
links, I discover a helpful little site called www.youmightbeazombieif.blogspot.com .
Amazingly, thereâs a quiz called âYou Might Be a Zombie If â¦â and, unbelievably, I actually take this quiz â¦with a totally straight face and my tongue out, as if my very lifeâ
Afterlife?
âdepends on it.
Hereâs what I come up with:
QUESTION: HAVE YOU RECENTLY EXPERIENCED AN ELECTRICAL ANOMALY, SUCH AS SLAMMING INTO A POWER LINE, BEING TASERED BY THE COPS (WHILE STANDING IN A PUDDLE), SPENDING THE NIGHT AT A POWER PLANT, GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, ETC.?
ANSWER: YES .
And thank you for using âanomolyâ in context
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU RECENTLY LOST CONSCIOUSNESS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ONLY TO AWAKE FEELING â¦STRANGE?
ANSWER:
I know I shouldnât answer a question with another question, but â¦does lying facedown in a mud puddle for two straight hours and waking up with no pulse count?
YES .
QUESTION: IS YOUR HEART CURRENTLY BEATING?
ANSWER: NO .
Seriously, not even a little
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANY SHORTNESS OF BREATH RECENTLY?
ANSWER:
Does no breath count as shortness of breath? If so â¦
YES.
And Iâm still experiencing it
.
QUESTION: ARE YOU EXPERIENCING COLD FLASHES?
ANSWER: YES .
And theyâre actually getting colder
.
QUESTION: HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP SINCE THE ELECTRICAL ANOMALY?
ANSWER: NO .
And itâs the middle of the night and Iâm not even tired; not even a little
.
QUESTION: DO YOU HAVE AN INEXPLICABLE, SUDDEN, AND OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO EAT â¦BRAINS?
ANSWER:
Uhhm, not until this very minute, but ⦠now that you mention it â¦as a matter of fact â¦
YES.
I. DO
.
After I answer all the questions and hit enter on the final page, the
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