Read Online A Little Death by Laura Wilson - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Laura Wilson
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think that probably was true, but of course I never asked him.
I’ve never told this to a single soul, but who’s to care if I tell it now? Isn’t it funny how something can matter so much and then not at all? Well, I’d seen my brothers running around, of course, and I knew boys were made different from girls in certain places, but I’d never seen a grown man before and I had no idea… I shut my eyes quick enough, I can tell you! I should have found it out the proper way, in marriage. But it made me think no woman would get married if they knew that was in store for them—so perhaps it’s as well they don’t know, or there’d be no children born.
There I was, lying down on the bed—Ellen’s bed, as it happened—when I heard the door open. I couldn’t believe it when I saw William standing there. He hadn’t so much as tapped on the door, and there he was right next to the bed like a magic trick. That room was so small that once you opened the door you almost did fall on to the bed, so he was very close to me. I huddled myself up quick the furthest I could from him: ‘What did you come up here for?’
‘Keep your voice down, someone’ll hear you.’
‘And it’ll be my job gone if they do. What are you doing here?’
‘I must say, Miss Ada, you don’t seem very pleased to see me.’
‘I’m not! Did anyone see you going up the stairs?’
‘Not a soul. You have a charming room.’ Trying totalk all smart, like that. ‘Well, now I’m here, aren’t you going to offer me a seat?’
Well, I was so scared of someone coming up and finding us, I couldn’t think straight. As I say, it was more than my life was worth if he got caught in my room. I suppose if I’d been more calm about it, if I’d told him to go… Maybe I did tell him to go, I don’t really remember, just that I was petrified at the thought of Mrs. Mattie coming up and finding him there. But I never offered myself to him, nothing like that. I didn’t even know what it meant, offering yourself to a man. He came and sat down on the bed. I don’t think he said anything, just started kissing me. I was so frantic for him to leave I’d have agreed to anything he wanted, only it wasn’t really a matter of that because I didn’t know what he was doing. Well, when he was finished doing it, I said to him, ‘Don’t you ever come up here again, I’m not having that again.’
But he wasn’t listening, he was fussing with his clothes: ‘I’d better go, it wouldn’t do for anyone to see me.’
I said, ‘You should have thought of that before you come up here. If anyone sees you, say you came up to fetch something. Don’t say anything about me, whatever you do.’
When he’d gone, I just lay there—it all happened so fast, I wouldn’t have believed it, except it felt sore where he’d been and the tops of my legs were sticky. I remember wondering if it would be a liberty to take off my dress and stays—I still had everything on, neither of us took any of our clothes off. Better with your boots on, that’s what they used to say, didn’t they? It was funny, I never thought how daft it was to worry about taking my dress off when a man had been doing
that
to me not five minutes earlier. But in the end I thought: I’mgoing to suffocate if I don’t do something, so I took everything off down to my petticoat, then I got the drop of water we had left in the ewer and lay down and tipped it over my face and neck. And I just lay there looking up at my and Ellen’s little bit of sky. It made me feel wicked, lying there with only my underclothes on. I thought: I’m doing this because I’m a bad girl now. Otherwise I wouldn’t be lying here like this.
EDMUND
How
do
flies manage to walk upside down on the ceiling? That’s the only place they
can
walk in this house. It’s all the space that’s left.
Other chaps’ sisters were different. I used to watch them with their sisters, the other chaps. Most girls seemed to be chaps’
I’ve never told this to a single soul, but who’s to care if I tell it now? Isn’t it funny how something can matter so much and then not at all? Well, I’d seen my brothers running around, of course, and I knew boys were made different from girls in certain places, but I’d never seen a grown man before and I had no idea… I shut my eyes quick enough, I can tell you! I should have found it out the proper way, in marriage. But it made me think no woman would get married if they knew that was in store for them—so perhaps it’s as well they don’t know, or there’d be no children born.
There I was, lying down on the bed—Ellen’s bed, as it happened—when I heard the door open. I couldn’t believe it when I saw William standing there. He hadn’t so much as tapped on the door, and there he was right next to the bed like a magic trick. That room was so small that once you opened the door you almost did fall on to the bed, so he was very close to me. I huddled myself up quick the furthest I could from him: ‘What did you come up here for?’
‘Keep your voice down, someone’ll hear you.’
‘And it’ll be my job gone if they do. What are you doing here?’
‘I must say, Miss Ada, you don’t seem very pleased to see me.’
‘I’m not! Did anyone see you going up the stairs?’
‘Not a soul. You have a charming room.’ Trying totalk all smart, like that. ‘Well, now I’m here, aren’t you going to offer me a seat?’
Well, I was so scared of someone coming up and finding us, I couldn’t think straight. As I say, it was more than my life was worth if he got caught in my room. I suppose if I’d been more calm about it, if I’d told him to go… Maybe I did tell him to go, I don’t really remember, just that I was petrified at the thought of Mrs. Mattie coming up and finding him there. But I never offered myself to him, nothing like that. I didn’t even know what it meant, offering yourself to a man. He came and sat down on the bed. I don’t think he said anything, just started kissing me. I was so frantic for him to leave I’d have agreed to anything he wanted, only it wasn’t really a matter of that because I didn’t know what he was doing. Well, when he was finished doing it, I said to him, ‘Don’t you ever come up here again, I’m not having that again.’
But he wasn’t listening, he was fussing with his clothes: ‘I’d better go, it wouldn’t do for anyone to see me.’
I said, ‘You should have thought of that before you come up here. If anyone sees you, say you came up to fetch something. Don’t say anything about me, whatever you do.’
When he’d gone, I just lay there—it all happened so fast, I wouldn’t have believed it, except it felt sore where he’d been and the tops of my legs were sticky. I remember wondering if it would be a liberty to take off my dress and stays—I still had everything on, neither of us took any of our clothes off. Better with your boots on, that’s what they used to say, didn’t they? It was funny, I never thought how daft it was to worry about taking my dress off when a man had been doing
that
to me not five minutes earlier. But in the end I thought: I’mgoing to suffocate if I don’t do something, so I took everything off down to my petticoat, then I got the drop of water we had left in the ewer and lay down and tipped it over my face and neck. And I just lay there looking up at my and Ellen’s little bit of sky. It made me feel wicked, lying there with only my underclothes on. I thought: I’m doing this because I’m a bad girl now. Otherwise I wouldn’t be lying here like this.
EDMUND
How
do
flies manage to walk upside down on the ceiling? That’s the only place they
can
walk in this house. It’s all the space that’s left.
Other chaps’ sisters were different. I used to watch them with their sisters, the other chaps. Most girls seemed to be chaps’
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