Read Online A Life Less Broken by Margaret McHeyzer - Free Book Online
Authors: Margaret McHeyzer
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how I got all of them, since I was in and out of consciousness. But
when I was in hospital, the nurses described them to me.
I cried.
And I wished
my life had ended.
I hoped I’d be
able to simply stop breathing in my sleep.
Now I stand
in the shower and let the warm water wash over me as I think about the
magnitude of what happened today. I fought my demons head on. I stood up and
showed them that I can fight.
I showed me that I can fight.
Maybe I can
leave my broken life behind and slowly let the shards of me mend.
I’ll never
be whole. There will always be cracks, but maybe…
Maybe I’ll be
okay.
I turn the
water off, step out of shower, and wrap a large bath towel around my hideous
body. Walking into my bedroom, I get my pajamas ready before drying myself. As
I pull open my panty drawer, my eye is drawn outside. Something cobalt blue flies
by. When I turn and walk to my bedroom window, the most brilliant blue jay rests
on the window sill.
I stand
inside, admiring the sheer beauty of its feathers. The color is so vivid and so
arresting that all I can do is stand still and marvel at its splendor.
Within
seconds the blue jay flies away, but I’m left with an inspiring image of the dazzling
bird as it spreads its wings and soars freely through the sky.
I can’t make
my feet move or my brain think of anything other than that blue jay. I stand, I
don’t know for how long, in front of the bedroom window just looking at the
spot where the bird landed.
I can’t
recall seeing a blue jay in the past three years.
Have they
been here all along, waiting for me to notice and appreciate their beauty?
The blue jay
graced me with one moment of elegance before it remembered its freedom and flew
away.
Was the blue
jay asking me to look at myself and assess the significance of what happened
today?
Was that me,
stretching my wings?
Was today my
first small step to finding my own independence?
Chapter 11
Lying in bed
and staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind drift back to yesterday. For the
first time since I came home from the hospital, I opened the door and went
outside.
I didn’t
just walk outside, I ran outside.
I was so mad
at the storm and the universe it represented that I couldn’t unlock the doors
fast enough to get out there and just scream at it. But is going outside again,
without the rage, something I can do?
Dominic said
that he wants to have his coffee outside if it’s not raining, and right now I’m
praying it’s going to rain. However, the sun seems to be streaming happily in
through my bedroom window, paying no heed to my wishes.
I’m not sure
going outside today will come as easily for me. Yesterday, I was in a mindless
state of fury that had me breaking down my own barriers, but today… I’m not so
confident.
Getting out
of bed, I wonder if the blue jay from yesterday will come back to visit. I go
over to the window seat and just stare out. The majestic tree outside the
window gently sways as light wind sings through its branches.
I can do
this. I can break the shackles of fear that imprison me and I can try to move
on. With Dominic to support me, I believe I can free myself.
I dress in
jeans and a long-sleeved sweater and go downstairs to make a coffee. It’s
already nearing ten and I know that Dominic will be here soon. As I stand in
the kitchen and look out my window, there’s an uncomfortable feeling in my
throat as I swallow.
Yesterday’s angry
rain has stopped. Today the sky is filled with blue skies and gentle, fluffy,
white clouds that float so effortlessly in the atmosphere. They move against
the light blue background, allowing me to breathe easy for the first time in a
long time.
I’m not
really sure how to feel about going outside today. It requires what now seems a
bold sort of freedom, something I haven’t experienced since the day I was taken.
It’s like a light has been lit, and now is the time for me to let that illumination
guide me to a better, more
when I was in hospital, the nurses described them to me.
I cried.
And I wished
my life had ended.
I hoped I’d be
able to simply stop breathing in my sleep.
Now I stand
in the shower and let the warm water wash over me as I think about the
magnitude of what happened today. I fought my demons head on. I stood up and
showed them that I can fight.
I showed me that I can fight.
Maybe I can
leave my broken life behind and slowly let the shards of me mend.
I’ll never
be whole. There will always be cracks, but maybe…
Maybe I’ll be
okay.
I turn the
water off, step out of shower, and wrap a large bath towel around my hideous
body. Walking into my bedroom, I get my pajamas ready before drying myself. As
I pull open my panty drawer, my eye is drawn outside. Something cobalt blue flies
by. When I turn and walk to my bedroom window, the most brilliant blue jay rests
on the window sill.
I stand
inside, admiring the sheer beauty of its feathers. The color is so vivid and so
arresting that all I can do is stand still and marvel at its splendor.
Within
seconds the blue jay flies away, but I’m left with an inspiring image of the dazzling
bird as it spreads its wings and soars freely through the sky.
I can’t make
my feet move or my brain think of anything other than that blue jay. I stand, I
don’t know for how long, in front of the bedroom window just looking at the
spot where the bird landed.
I can’t
recall seeing a blue jay in the past three years.
Have they
been here all along, waiting for me to notice and appreciate their beauty?
The blue jay
graced me with one moment of elegance before it remembered its freedom and flew
away.
Was the blue
jay asking me to look at myself and assess the significance of what happened
today?
Was that me,
stretching my wings?
Was today my
first small step to finding my own independence?
Chapter 11
Lying in bed
and staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind drift back to yesterday. For the
first time since I came home from the hospital, I opened the door and went
outside.
I didn’t
just walk outside, I ran outside.
I was so mad
at the storm and the universe it represented that I couldn’t unlock the doors
fast enough to get out there and just scream at it. But is going outside again,
without the rage, something I can do?
Dominic said
that he wants to have his coffee outside if it’s not raining, and right now I’m
praying it’s going to rain. However, the sun seems to be streaming happily in
through my bedroom window, paying no heed to my wishes.
I’m not sure
going outside today will come as easily for me. Yesterday, I was in a mindless
state of fury that had me breaking down my own barriers, but today… I’m not so
confident.
Getting out
of bed, I wonder if the blue jay from yesterday will come back to visit. I go
over to the window seat and just stare out. The majestic tree outside the
window gently sways as light wind sings through its branches.
I can do
this. I can break the shackles of fear that imprison me and I can try to move
on. With Dominic to support me, I believe I can free myself.
I dress in
jeans and a long-sleeved sweater and go downstairs to make a coffee. It’s
already nearing ten and I know that Dominic will be here soon. As I stand in
the kitchen and look out my window, there’s an uncomfortable feeling in my
throat as I swallow.
Yesterday’s angry
rain has stopped. Today the sky is filled with blue skies and gentle, fluffy,
white clouds that float so effortlessly in the atmosphere. They move against
the light blue background, allowing me to breathe easy for the first time in a
long time.
I’m not
really sure how to feel about going outside today. It requires what now seems a
bold sort of freedom, something I haven’t experienced since the day I was taken.
It’s like a light has been lit, and now is the time for me to let that illumination
guide me to a better, more
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