Read Online A is for Angelica by Iain Broome - Free Book Online Page A

they are in the
house. Kipling knows it. He’s awake and looking up at me. He’s shaking. I reach under the bed and pull out my billiard cue case. It’s covered in dust. I open it, take out the cue
and start screwing the ends together. It seems to take forever. I can hear the intruder walking around downstairs. The floorboards in the hall are squeaking and I can feel a draught coming up
because the back door is open. I can smell the lemon cake I baked last night. Why didn’t I lock the door? I’m sure I locked the door. Kipling jumps onto the bed and squeezes himself
between the pillows.
    ‘Is there anybody in? I’m a burglar!’
    I knew it. It was only a matter of time. They should never have cancelled the neighbourhood watch. I grip the cue firmly and edge onto the landing. My back is tight to the wall as I creep
downstairs. One at a time. Don’t make a sound. I can hear them in the kitchen. They’ve put the kettle on. The cheek of it. What sort of burglar makes themselves at home? I stand at the
bottom of the stairs. I hold the cue close to my body. I get chalk on the tip of my nose. It will have to wait. There’s a criminal on the other side of this door.
    I take a deep breath.
    Hold the cue in attack position.
    Enter the kitchen.
    The burglar is bent over the kitchen table with their back to me. I can’t stop myself. My arms have taken over and I’m bringing the cue down over their head. It’s going to hit
them just above the neck and it’s probably going to knock them out. It may even kill them. And they deserve it. Just before the cue makes impact, the burglar turns around. It’s a woman.
No, it’s not a woman, it’s Judy. I’m about to murder a reverend.
    Note: Time taken from point of entry to critical strike = 35 seconds. Too slow. Buy new slippers. Change locks. Note end.
    There is silence. Slowly, I open my eyes. Judy’s in a heap on the floor with half a billiard cue by her head. The other half is still in my hands and broken at the
handle. I might be able to use it as a dibber. I can’t believe there’s no blood.
    ‘You stupid fucking man!’
    ‘Oh God, I’m sorry.’
    ‘What the hell were you thinking?’
    ‘I didn’t mean to hit you.’
    ‘You hit the shitting table.’
    ‘There’s no need to swear.’
    ‘You’ve just tried to smash me over the head with a snooker cue, Gordon.’
    ‘It’s a billiard cue and you’re a woman of the church.’
    ‘Not when someone nearly kills me.’
    ‘How did you get in?’
    ‘The door was unlocked.’
    ‘Why didn’t you knock?’
    ‘I knocked when I came in. And I shouted!’
    ‘You said you were a burglar.’
    ‘And do you think that’s what they do? Do you walk into buildings and tell everyone you’re an idiot?’
    ‘No, I don’t.’
    ‘Well, you should.’ I hold out my hand to help her up. She ignores it, puts her elbow on one of the chairs and helps herself up. I can hear the kettle boiling. I should offer her a
cup of tea.
    ‘Would you like... ’
    ‘No, thank you. I came to see Georgina. I was also going to ask if you were feeling all right, but frankly, you seem full of energy.’
    ‘Georgina’s not here.’
    ‘She’s not here?’
    ‘No, she’s spending some time at my parents.’
    ‘Your parents?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Well, that’s super. Fantastic.’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘I thought she might’ve had something of a relapse. We’ve not seen her since Christmas.’
    ‘She’s fine.’
    ‘Her recovery has been astounding.’
    ‘A miracle.’
    ‘A miracle indeed, Gordon.’ Judy is Judy again. She’s stopped swearing.
    ‘Is there anything else?’
    ‘I also wondered why you missed Mass yesterday.’
    ‘I didn’t miss Mass.’
    ‘No?
    ‘No.’
    ‘Well, I didn’t see you in church, Gordon.’
    ‘I didn’t see you, either.’
    ‘You didn’t see me?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘I don’t understand.’
    ‘Me neither.’ She looks me up and down. Turns her nose up.
    ‘This is ridiculous. Are you sure you’re