Read Online A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot by George R.R. Washington Alan Goldsher - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: George R.R. Washington Alan Goldsher
Ads: Link
window.
On his way down, the strangest thought went through Allbran’s head, a thought dripping with a sense of déjà vu, a thought that came from nowhere and everywhere, a thought that seemed as if it were thrown into the chapter for legal reasons: Hasn’t something like this happened before?… And didn’t it happen some other way that was more serious and less slapstick-y?… And maybe not to me, exactly, but some other version of me … A version of me who is cute, and cuddly, and doesn’t understand the concept of incest, and doesn’t fart quite as much …
After landing on the mud, Allbran discharged a queef that sounded like a whimper. And then his world went brown.
TRITONE
The thing Tritone Sinister hated most about being Tritone Sinister was the difficulty he had strolling the streets incognito. As far as he knew, he was the tallest man on the continent—he was certainly the tallest member of a royal family—so he was not surprised that the majority of normal-sized citizens gawked at him all day every day, but it hurt nonetheless. This morning, as he wandered through the Mall of Ameyrika in central Summerseve, he felt hundreds of eyes give him judgmental onceovers—as usual—and it irked him to no end. Just as he was about to take his leave, he stumbled onto something he knew would cheer him up: his nephew.
Goofrey Barfonme was standing in front of a vendor, clad in a white puffy pirate shirt and his trademark pink pantaloons, gawking at the towering pile of diamonds on his table. He picked up the biggest rock and held it close to his eye, inspecting the jewel as if he knew what he was looking for, after which he stuck it in his mouth and bit down, then spit out the diamond along with three teeth. He lisped to the vendor, “I’ll take it.”
As Goof pulled a handful of bills from his purse, Tritone quietly tiptoed toward the boy, coming to a stop a bit behind him, just to the left. He reached over Goof’s head and tapped him on the right shoulder. The boy spun to his right, and was greeted by the sight of nothing. Tritone then slid over to the Goof’s other side, and jabbed him on his left shoulder. Goof again spun, and again saw nothing. Realizing this could go on all day, Tritone said, “Hey, Shecky, 101 B.C. called. It wants its haircut back.”
Goofrey beamed. “Uncle Tritone! You’re funny.”
“Good to know somebody agrees with me on that one. Even if it’s somebody like you, who’s so dumb that he thinks a blood vessel is a ship.”
Scratching his head, Goof asked, “What do you mean?”
“Forget it,” Tritone said. “So you hear about your pal Allbran?”
“He farted?”
Rolling his eyes, Tritone sighed, “Of course he farted, Shecky. No, he fell off his roof. He’s probably going to die. Or maybe not.” After a beat, he added, “Actually, I know what’s going to happen to him, but I can’t say, because I’m not sure how much foreshadowing I’m allowed to do here.” Goof gave him a blank look. “You don’t know what foreshadowing is, do you?” Goof shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He picked up one of the vendor’s diamonds, handed it to Goof, and offered, “Here’s some dessert, genius. Enjoy.”
“Thanks,” Goof grinned, then popped the jewel into his mouth. Another bite, another broken tooth, and another eye roll from Uncle Tritone.
“Good Gods, Goof, you become more kingly each day. Can’t wait until Bobbert bites it, and you take over.” After a beat, he added, “Crap. I think I foreshadowed too much. Anyhow, go see Lord and Lady Barker and tell them how sorry you are about Allbran.”
Goof picked up another diamond and said, “But I’m not sorry.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re a politician. Be political. Make nice. Now.”
“I don’t want to,” Goof whined. “You’re not the boss of me!”
“Kid, I’ve only got one nerve left, and you’re getting on it. Go see the Barkers!”
“No!”
“No?”
“No!”
Glaring at
On his way down, the strangest thought went through Allbran’s head, a thought dripping with a sense of déjà vu, a thought that came from nowhere and everywhere, a thought that seemed as if it were thrown into the chapter for legal reasons: Hasn’t something like this happened before?… And didn’t it happen some other way that was more serious and less slapstick-y?… And maybe not to me, exactly, but some other version of me … A version of me who is cute, and cuddly, and doesn’t understand the concept of incest, and doesn’t fart quite as much …
After landing on the mud, Allbran discharged a queef that sounded like a whimper. And then his world went brown.
TRITONE
The thing Tritone Sinister hated most about being Tritone Sinister was the difficulty he had strolling the streets incognito. As far as he knew, he was the tallest man on the continent—he was certainly the tallest member of a royal family—so he was not surprised that the majority of normal-sized citizens gawked at him all day every day, but it hurt nonetheless. This morning, as he wandered through the Mall of Ameyrika in central Summerseve, he felt hundreds of eyes give him judgmental onceovers—as usual—and it irked him to no end. Just as he was about to take his leave, he stumbled onto something he knew would cheer him up: his nephew.
Goofrey Barfonme was standing in front of a vendor, clad in a white puffy pirate shirt and his trademark pink pantaloons, gawking at the towering pile of diamonds on his table. He picked up the biggest rock and held it close to his eye, inspecting the jewel as if he knew what he was looking for, after which he stuck it in his mouth and bit down, then spit out the diamond along with three teeth. He lisped to the vendor, “I’ll take it.”
As Goof pulled a handful of bills from his purse, Tritone quietly tiptoed toward the boy, coming to a stop a bit behind him, just to the left. He reached over Goof’s head and tapped him on the right shoulder. The boy spun to his right, and was greeted by the sight of nothing. Tritone then slid over to the Goof’s other side, and jabbed him on his left shoulder. Goof again spun, and again saw nothing. Realizing this could go on all day, Tritone said, “Hey, Shecky, 101 B.C. called. It wants its haircut back.”
Goofrey beamed. “Uncle Tritone! You’re funny.”
“Good to know somebody agrees with me on that one. Even if it’s somebody like you, who’s so dumb that he thinks a blood vessel is a ship.”
Scratching his head, Goof asked, “What do you mean?”
“Forget it,” Tritone said. “So you hear about your pal Allbran?”
“He farted?”
Rolling his eyes, Tritone sighed, “Of course he farted, Shecky. No, he fell off his roof. He’s probably going to die. Or maybe not.” After a beat, he added, “Actually, I know what’s going to happen to him, but I can’t say, because I’m not sure how much foreshadowing I’m allowed to do here.” Goof gave him a blank look. “You don’t know what foreshadowing is, do you?” Goof shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He picked up one of the vendor’s diamonds, handed it to Goof, and offered, “Here’s some dessert, genius. Enjoy.”
“Thanks,” Goof grinned, then popped the jewel into his mouth. Another bite, another broken tooth, and another eye roll from Uncle Tritone.
“Good Gods, Goof, you become more kingly each day. Can’t wait until Bobbert bites it, and you take over.” After a beat, he added, “Crap. I think I foreshadowed too much. Anyhow, go see Lord and Lady Barker and tell them how sorry you are about Allbran.”
Goof picked up another diamond and said, “But I’m not sorry.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re a politician. Be political. Make nice. Now.”
“I don’t want to,” Goof whined. “You’re not the boss of me!”
“Kid, I’ve only got one nerve left, and you’re getting on it. Go see the Barkers!”
“No!”
“No?”
“No!”
Glaring at
Similar Books
