making any babies. After the first half-hour, though, it all went numb. And you know what? It's still numb. Despite being a clever insult, numb nuts are not a good thing."
Grandma didn't quite know what to say. It had probably been a long time since she'd seen a pair of testicles, but I was certain she could remember what they looked like and imagine the pain involved in what I had just been through.
As far as I was concerned, this was the last straw. Her finger-snapping-while-I-walked-two-steps-behind days were over! I didn't put up with this from my parents, so I wasn't about to put up with it from her. There were bigger fish to look out for, mainly the homosexuals. They shouldn't be too difficult to spot, so all I had to do was keep my distance. I could handle this.
"Are you okay?” Grandma meekly asked me.
"Better.” I attempted to sound a bit more cheery while easing a cramp from standing up straight. “Now, come on. Uncle Chester and Aunt Virginia are waiting for us."
Grandma took my arm, and we rejoined her brother and his wife. The four of us walked together up a long winding driveway lined with limos, a few Lotuses, a brand-new Grand Prix or two and some shiny new test car I'd never seen before. I took it these were the cars Uncle Chester was concerned about. It was so obvious what an eyesore they would have looked like next to his economy vehicle.
Old people do think the strangest thoughts.
I wondered which ones the homosexuals drove. There weren't any outlandish colors or frilly decor on any of the interiors that I could see. Maybe they'd parked a mile away and walked, like we did.
It was a mystery that wouldn't soon be solved, since I had no intention of asking about it. No, thank you! This straight boy was his own woman ... or something like that. As long as I talked and thought in the most masculine of ways—specifically, having something to do with sports—my cousins shouldn't even come near me.
"Chester, Virgy, Lizzy!” a shrill female voice shouted out. “Come in! Oh, my God, you look so great!” A woman, probably in her fifties, flew out the front door and gave Uncle Chester a huge hug. She then tenderly shook Aunt Virginia's hand and looked at Grandma. “Oh, Lizzy, it's been years.” She and Grandma hugged. “I'm so glad you came. Leon is going to be so thrilled that you flew in to see us!"
"I wouldn't have missed it for the world!” Grandma hugged her again, and I could see that her eyes were tearing up. It really was a sweet moment to watch, and I naturally assumed that this woman, who had more energy than anyone half her age, was undoubtedly my aunt Carma. God, I wanted to hug her, too! The spirit of the affair was really taking a hold of me.
Aunt Carma turned and looked at me a moment after they parted, and one of the most gracious expressions I think I've ever seen appeared on her face. This woman was radiating beauty and energy in a way I had never seen before. It was as if pure grace and class flowed through her instead of blood. This was where I belonged. This was my family.
Finally, at long last, she started to speak to me, and I longed to hear her welcome me to her home and invite me in to celebrate with them on this special occasion.
"You must be the hired boy."
"What?"
I had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Because I didn't have wrinkles or age lines I was suddenly the hired help? I know this woman had pictures of me somewhere that Mom had sent in Christmas cards over the years.
"No, actually, I'm Lizzy's grandson, Andy.” Nothing. No spark of recognition whatsoever. “Marie and Donald's son.” I spoke through clenched teeth. I might just as well have been Donny and Marie's son, since no one recognized me. No, come to think of it, that would make me inbred. Well, I could get a hell of a scholarship...
"Of course!” Aunt Carma clasped her hands together and walked over to me. “And you look so much like your mother."
"Father,” I corrected.
"Whatever.”
Grandma didn't quite know what to say. It had probably been a long time since she'd seen a pair of testicles, but I was certain she could remember what they looked like and imagine the pain involved in what I had just been through.
As far as I was concerned, this was the last straw. Her finger-snapping-while-I-walked-two-steps-behind days were over! I didn't put up with this from my parents, so I wasn't about to put up with it from her. There were bigger fish to look out for, mainly the homosexuals. They shouldn't be too difficult to spot, so all I had to do was keep my distance. I could handle this.
"Are you okay?” Grandma meekly asked me.
"Better.” I attempted to sound a bit more cheery while easing a cramp from standing up straight. “Now, come on. Uncle Chester and Aunt Virginia are waiting for us."
Grandma took my arm, and we rejoined her brother and his wife. The four of us walked together up a long winding driveway lined with limos, a few Lotuses, a brand-new Grand Prix or two and some shiny new test car I'd never seen before. I took it these were the cars Uncle Chester was concerned about. It was so obvious what an eyesore they would have looked like next to his economy vehicle.
Old people do think the strangest thoughts.
I wondered which ones the homosexuals drove. There weren't any outlandish colors or frilly decor on any of the interiors that I could see. Maybe they'd parked a mile away and walked, like we did.
It was a mystery that wouldn't soon be solved, since I had no intention of asking about it. No, thank you! This straight boy was his own woman ... or something like that. As long as I talked and thought in the most masculine of ways—specifically, having something to do with sports—my cousins shouldn't even come near me.
"Chester, Virgy, Lizzy!” a shrill female voice shouted out. “Come in! Oh, my God, you look so great!” A woman, probably in her fifties, flew out the front door and gave Uncle Chester a huge hug. She then tenderly shook Aunt Virginia's hand and looked at Grandma. “Oh, Lizzy, it's been years.” She and Grandma hugged. “I'm so glad you came. Leon is going to be so thrilled that you flew in to see us!"
"I wouldn't have missed it for the world!” Grandma hugged her again, and I could see that her eyes were tearing up. It really was a sweet moment to watch, and I naturally assumed that this woman, who had more energy than anyone half her age, was undoubtedly my aunt Carma. God, I wanted to hug her, too! The spirit of the affair was really taking a hold of me.
Aunt Carma turned and looked at me a moment after they parted, and one of the most gracious expressions I think I've ever seen appeared on her face. This woman was radiating beauty and energy in a way I had never seen before. It was as if pure grace and class flowed through her instead of blood. This was where I belonged. This was my family.
Finally, at long last, she started to speak to me, and I longed to hear her welcome me to her home and invite me in to celebrate with them on this special occasion.
"You must be the hired boy."
"What?"
I had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Because I didn't have wrinkles or age lines I was suddenly the hired help? I know this woman had pictures of me somewhere that Mom had sent in Christmas cards over the years.
"No, actually, I'm Lizzy's grandson, Andy.” Nothing. No spark of recognition whatsoever. “Marie and Donald's son.” I spoke through clenched teeth. I might just as well have been Donny and Marie's son, since no one recognized me. No, come to think of it, that would make me inbred. Well, I could get a hell of a scholarship...
"Of course!” Aunt Carma clasped her hands together and walked over to me. “And you look so much like your mother."
"Father,” I corrected.
"Whatever.”
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