coffee as she continues to talk. “I’ve been doing some thinking about going back to school, like you said. I’m not young and I really can’t afford to go full time, but I’m going to do it! I’m going to go back to school. I don’t care if it takes me ten years to get my degree and become an RN. I’m going to do it.”
“Why do you want to be a nurse?” I ask. Her eyes glaze over and she starts to pick at her coffee cup.
“I didn’t have it easy growing up. My dad was never around and my mom was real sick. She died when I was ten. After that, I was raised by my Aunt Molly, her sister. She thought of me more as a housekeeper and chef than anything else. I was her personal slave more than her niece. But she sure did love my mother. I’d often catch her staring at me with tears in her eyes, and I knew it was because I was a constant reminder of the pain of her sister’s death. I want to be a hospice nurse. My mother was very ill. She had Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis –ALS- also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, and she was placed in a hospice care facility to die. Everyone knew it was time. My Aunt couldn’t handle it. She kissed her on the cheek, said she loved her, and then left the room a complete mess. I remember my mother’s nurse like it was yesterday. I remember every word she said, and I remember everything she did for my mother. As my aunt cried hysterically out in the hallway, I stood in the doorway of my mother’s room and listened. She had been in an unresponsive state for days up until the very end. They call it terminal lucidity. It was like she woke up from a long sleep, and she was back to her old self and all better. She knew where she was and what was about to happen. My mother saw me in the doorway and called me to her side. I ran to her bedside and she held me tight with tears streaming down her face. She told me to be a good girl and to listen to Aunt Molly. She kissed me on the forehead, told me she loved me, and said she’ll always be watching over me. Then she told me to go to Aunt Molly out in the hallway and comfort her. I didn’t. I disobeyed. I stood just outside the door and listened until the very end. That nurse held my mother’s hand while she cried. My mother told her she was afraid. The nurse asked her, ‘What are you afraid of?’ My mother said, ‘I’m afraid of dying. Do you think I’m going to die now?’ The nurse answered her by asking, ‘Do you think you’re going to die now? Most of the time when people answer no, then it probably isn’t their time. But if you answer yes, it’s usually time.’”
I sat across from Savvy and listened in stunned silence, my whole body felt electrified by every word she said. She was only ten and listened as her mother died.
She continued, “My mother nodded her confirmation that yes, she knew it was her time, and then said, ‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to breathe.’ The nurse smiled ever so warmly at her and said, ‘I have an endless supply of oxygen I can give you, and I have meds for that sitting right over there I can give you at any time. What else?’ she asked. My mother licked her lips and said, ‘I’m afraid it will hurt.’ The nurse answered by shaking her head no and said, ‘I have an arsenal of pain meds and I promise you, it won’t hurt at all.’ It was a few minutes before my mother spoke again. She said, ‘My daughter is too young and my sister isn’t capable, I’m afraid of being alone.’ The nurse smoothed my mother’s hair from her face and said, ‘You won’t be alone. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave your side, I promise.’ From that day on I knew that, right there, is exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to make a difference to be someone special just like that nurse.”
I think I looked like an idiot with my mouth hanging open and tears threatening to pour down my face. I had never heard something so selfless before. Those are not the
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