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about becoming a mother?” If she had thought he looked like he was in pain before, this question sucked the life out of him.
    It was the one thing about Jen she would never understand. How could anyone not want to be a mother? Her Joy had put her back together. Without Joy she would’ve been dead years ago. Before him, it was almost as if she hadn’t existed. His smile, the devotion in his gray eyes, it gave her existence substance. He filled her in, the way he filled in the black-and-white characters in his coloring books with color, his little tongue pinched between his lips, his soft brow furrowed in concentration.
    â€œShe knew how happy you were about the baby.”
    â€œI know how I felt,” he snapped. “I asked how she felt.”
    Despite how well he thought he knew his wife, despite the fact that Jen had been perfectly honest with him about not being ready for motherhood, he looked desperate for someone to rewrite that part of the story for him. “She’s gone,” she should’ve said. “The baby’s gone.” She needed him to snap out of this, to get him working on what she needed from him. But she couldn’t.
    â€œDid she move away because she needed to distance herself from me? From how I was being about the baby?”
    â€œNikhil, you know why she moved. You know she had always wanted to work in Dharavi because of your family’s connection to India.”
    â€œI begged her to wait until my rotation was done.”
    â€œShe would have lost the position. She didn’t have the time to wait.”
    â€œBecause of the baby. She was going to have to take a break and stop doing what she wanted to do because of the baby.”
    â€œShe just wanted to fit it in before it was time.” That wasn’t entirely untrue, and Nikhil didn’t need to know how terrified Jen had been of losing everything she loved to motherhood.
    â€œThe baby wouldn’t have changed anything. We could have gone on doing what we wanted to do. A lot of couples manage to do what they love and raise their children just fine.”
    â€œActually, a baby changes everything. But they would have been changes you wanted to make,” she said, and instantly regretted it when his sad eyes turned alert.
    â€œYou’re a mother.”
    It was the last thing she had expected him to say. The very last thing she needed for him to know.
    But he spoke before she could deny it. “How old is she? He?” His entire attention was on her now and she didn’t know how to back away from it.
    â€œHe’s seven. Joy’s seven.” Shit. She’d told him Joy’s real name. Panic unfurled inside her.
    â€œJoy?” he said. “That’s beautiful.” Of all the things that could have made his voice crack, it was her baby’s name that did it.
    She couldn’t give herself time to process that, to think about Joy. “They knew she was pregnant, Nikhil. They still did this.” She attacked his vulnerability instead.
    The sound that escaped him ripped through her skin.
    â€œYou have to help me find them,” she said.
    â€œYes.” He nodded. “Just tell me what she needs me to do.”
    It took all her strength to not collapse to the deck floor, her relief was so strong.
    Then she saw his face and there was no more relief.
    It was time to pull out the knife, or to at least stop twisting it. Jen’s Nikhil needed respite, and for Jen she’d let him have some.
    â€œThanks,” she said quietly. “It can wait until tomorrow. I think this is enough for one day.”
    Is this how torturers felt? Weary from their victim’s pain. Unable to go on without a break. He wasn’t the only one who needed the respite. She needed to regroup. Needed to remind herself why cruelty like this was necessary. Jen would have torn her limb from limb for doing this to him. But she would have understood too. For some reason, Jess