Read Online 7 A Tasteful Crime by Cecilia Peartree - Free Book Online
Authors: Cecilia Peartree
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he had a horrible premonition.
'I'm afraid it was a friend of yours.'
'Amaryllis?' He couldn't think of any other friend of his whom he could even imagine taking out their anger on an innocent piece of crowd control equipment.
Deirdre nodded sadly. He was still suspicious of her, but despite himself he was starting to feel cross with Amaryllis too. He couldn't quite say why . It was probably something to do with getting mixed up in messy emotional cross-currents that would quite likely result in him being out of his depth at some time soon in some way he couldn't even predict.
'She ran it over,' said Deirdre.
'Ran it over? But how...?'
Right on cue, there was a beeping sound and a giant apple came up the High Street, scattering courgettes and cauliflowers in front of it. It drew up at the kerb near them. When it got close, Christopher could see there was a driver's cab attached to the front, and inside was Amaryllis, looking as filled with adrenalin as if she were riding a roller-coaster.
'Do you want to have a go of it?' she asked Christopher as she got out.
'No, I don't!' he snapped. 'And how did this happen?'
He held up the mangled megaphone.
Amaryllis looked from him to Deirdre and back. She smiled dangerously. 'Would you believe me if I said I didn't know?'
'No.'
'OK, then, here's the story...'
'Are you sure you want to tell me?' said Christopher. 'Would you prefer to consult your lawyer first?'
'The case would be laughed out of court,' said Amaryllis. 'If you just have a look in the cab of this giant apple, you'll probably notice that the accelerator and brake pedals are somewhat closer together than they are in most vehicles.'
' 'The whole thing's completely different from most vehicles,' said Deirdre scornfully. 'Any idiot can see that. What made you think you could drive it without even having an HGV licence?'
'How do you know?' said Amaryllis.
'How do I know you thought you could drive it?'
'No, how do you know I don't have an HGV licence?'
'But you don't have a licence at all,' said Christopher, reluctant to intervene between the two women but a stickler for the truth nonetheless. 'You lost it for speeding a couple of years ago. The time with the Peruvian agents.'
'Yes, I did mention Peruvians, didn't I?' said Amaryllis. 'But that doesn't mean I haven't got it back by now, does it?'
'But it isn't an HGV licence, is it?' said Deirdre.
'No,' said Amaryllis. 'But you don't need an HGV licence to drive a giant apple,' she added triumphantly. 'It counts as either a tractor or a minibus. I don't know which. I checked and they said it was all right.'
'Checked with whom?' enquired Deirdre. 'The Kennel Club?'
There's no need to be silly about this,' said Amaryllis.
'In any case, you're about to lose your licence again after I report this,’ said Deirdre.
'For driving a giant apple without due care and attention?' said Amaryllis.
'So you admit you weren't looking where you were going?'
'No - on the contrary, I was looking very closely at where I was going. Everyone who was in the street at the time was completely fed up with the noise you were making through that thing. I was performing a valuable social service.'
Deirdre folded her arms and drew her mouth down at the corners, triggering a whole host of memories in Christopher's mind. 'Go now,' he advised Amaryllis. ‘You might just avoid getting caught in the fallout.'
Amaryllis turned away, got back in the cab of the apple and drove off, causing a little group of oranges to run for cover.
'Well!' said Deirdre. 'You must be getting really desperate, Christopher, if that's the kind of person you associate with these days.'
She stormed off down the street in the direction of the Cultural Centre, pausing only to throw the megaphone in the bin outside the newsagent's.
As soon as she had gone, Christopher thought up five possible rejoinders he could have made if only he had thought of them in time. He was rather glad he hadn't been able to
'I'm afraid it was a friend of yours.'
'Amaryllis?' He couldn't think of any other friend of his whom he could even imagine taking out their anger on an innocent piece of crowd control equipment.
Deirdre nodded sadly. He was still suspicious of her, but despite himself he was starting to feel cross with Amaryllis too. He couldn't quite say why . It was probably something to do with getting mixed up in messy emotional cross-currents that would quite likely result in him being out of his depth at some time soon in some way he couldn't even predict.
'She ran it over,' said Deirdre.
'Ran it over? But how...?'
Right on cue, there was a beeping sound and a giant apple came up the High Street, scattering courgettes and cauliflowers in front of it. It drew up at the kerb near them. When it got close, Christopher could see there was a driver's cab attached to the front, and inside was Amaryllis, looking as filled with adrenalin as if she were riding a roller-coaster.
'Do you want to have a go of it?' she asked Christopher as she got out.
'No, I don't!' he snapped. 'And how did this happen?'
He held up the mangled megaphone.
Amaryllis looked from him to Deirdre and back. She smiled dangerously. 'Would you believe me if I said I didn't know?'
'No.'
'OK, then, here's the story...'
'Are you sure you want to tell me?' said Christopher. 'Would you prefer to consult your lawyer first?'
'The case would be laughed out of court,' said Amaryllis. 'If you just have a look in the cab of this giant apple, you'll probably notice that the accelerator and brake pedals are somewhat closer together than they are in most vehicles.'
' 'The whole thing's completely different from most vehicles,' said Deirdre scornfully. 'Any idiot can see that. What made you think you could drive it without even having an HGV licence?'
'How do you know?' said Amaryllis.
'How do I know you thought you could drive it?'
'No, how do you know I don't have an HGV licence?'
'But you don't have a licence at all,' said Christopher, reluctant to intervene between the two women but a stickler for the truth nonetheless. 'You lost it for speeding a couple of years ago. The time with the Peruvian agents.'
'Yes, I did mention Peruvians, didn't I?' said Amaryllis. 'But that doesn't mean I haven't got it back by now, does it?'
'But it isn't an HGV licence, is it?' said Deirdre.
'No,' said Amaryllis. 'But you don't need an HGV licence to drive a giant apple,' she added triumphantly. 'It counts as either a tractor or a minibus. I don't know which. I checked and they said it was all right.'
'Checked with whom?' enquired Deirdre. 'The Kennel Club?'
There's no need to be silly about this,' said Amaryllis.
'In any case, you're about to lose your licence again after I report this,’ said Deirdre.
'For driving a giant apple without due care and attention?' said Amaryllis.
'So you admit you weren't looking where you were going?'
'No - on the contrary, I was looking very closely at where I was going. Everyone who was in the street at the time was completely fed up with the noise you were making through that thing. I was performing a valuable social service.'
Deirdre folded her arms and drew her mouth down at the corners, triggering a whole host of memories in Christopher's mind. 'Go now,' he advised Amaryllis. ‘You might just avoid getting caught in the fallout.'
Amaryllis turned away, got back in the cab of the apple and drove off, causing a little group of oranges to run for cover.
'Well!' said Deirdre. 'You must be getting really desperate, Christopher, if that's the kind of person you associate with these days.'
She stormed off down the street in the direction of the Cultural Centre, pausing only to throw the megaphone in the bin outside the newsagent's.
As soon as she had gone, Christopher thought up five possible rejoinders he could have made if only he had thought of them in time. He was rather glad he hadn't been able to
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