Read Online 600 Hours of Edward by Craig Lancaster - Free Book Online
Authors: Craig Lancaster
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of these dreams that I’m having. I wonder where they are coming from and why they are coming. It will be a long wait until Tuesday, when I can talk to Dr. Buckley about them. She is a very logical person. I hope she can explain what’s happening.
I think about how it’s too late now for a bowl of corn flakes, which is going to throw off my system of food consumption completely. I think about my data. I think about how ugly the garage is and how I’m going to have to do something about that soon.
Mostly, I think about Donna Middleton and how scared she was this morning. I was scared, but my fear was nothing like hers. I think about how if it hadn’t been for me, she would have been just fine, going about her work as an emergency departmentnurse at Billings Clinic. I think about my father and how disappointed he seemed. I think about how many times he has had to show up somewhere and get me out of some trouble. This is probably worse than the “Garth Brooks incident.”
I slump down into the tub, pull my knees up to chin, and rest my head.
– • –
At Montana Personal Connect, I see it again:
Inbox (1).
I click the link.
Hi Edward!
Your SO funny. I liked your note very much. I would like to keep talking to you. You have a kind face too. I like youre eyes.
Let’s do this OK? I will ask you five questions about yourself and then you write back with the answers and five questions about me.
Here are some questions.
1. Where were you born?
2. Do you have any nicknames?
3. What do you like to do on a date?
4. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
5. Would you help the roadrunner escape from the coyote or help the coyote catch the roadrunner?
Write back!
Joy
This is a confounding woman. She has gotten no better at grammar, and I may have to prepare myself for the possibility that she never will. But she also asks really good, although random, questions.
I will have to think about this for a while.
– • –
After dinner—a Banquet roast-beef-and-potatoes frozen meal—I write back.
Joy:
You ask really good questions.
1. I was born here in Billings on January 9, 1969.
2. My mother used to call me Teddy when I was a little boy, but I prefer Edward.
3. I think I would like to see a movie on a date. I like movies. Also, if you eat dinner after the movie, you have something to talk about.
4. I am my parents’ only child.
5. I’m not sure why this matters, but it seems to me that the roadrunner needs no help in escaping the coyote—that’s the whole point of the cartoon, that the coyote never wins. I suppose I would help the coyote, although what I would really like to do is be the guy who invents things for Acme.
Here are five questions for you:
1. How many online dates have you been on?
2. What is your favorite season?
3. Do you watch
Dragnet
?
If so, what is your favorite episode?
4. What music do you like?
5. Where do you go on vacation?
Regards,
Edward
At 10:00 p.m. sharp, I sit down for my nightly
Dragnet
episode. Tonight, I am watching the twenty-fourth episode of the fourth and final season, “Robbery: The Harassing Wife.” It originally aired on April 2, 1970, and it is one of my favorites.
In this one, an ex-convict named John Sawyer—played by Herbert Ellis, who appeared in three of the color episodes—is repeatedly accused by his bitter, estranged wife of committing robberies. Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon, having to take seriously allegations against an ex-convict, repeatedly investigate John Sawyer and conclude that he did not commit the crimes he has been accused of doing.
Finally, John Sawyer does commit a robbery, thinking that Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon won’t believe that he did it, since his wife’s stories are not panning out. This is a grave miscalculation on his part, because Sergeant Joe Friday always gets his man.
Once John Sawyer is in custody, his wife gets very angry with Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon for
I think about how it’s too late now for a bowl of corn flakes, which is going to throw off my system of food consumption completely. I think about my data. I think about how ugly the garage is and how I’m going to have to do something about that soon.
Mostly, I think about Donna Middleton and how scared she was this morning. I was scared, but my fear was nothing like hers. I think about how if it hadn’t been for me, she would have been just fine, going about her work as an emergency departmentnurse at Billings Clinic. I think about my father and how disappointed he seemed. I think about how many times he has had to show up somewhere and get me out of some trouble. This is probably worse than the “Garth Brooks incident.”
I slump down into the tub, pull my knees up to chin, and rest my head.
– • –
At Montana Personal Connect, I see it again:
Inbox (1).
I click the link.
Hi Edward!
Your SO funny. I liked your note very much. I would like to keep talking to you. You have a kind face too. I like youre eyes.
Let’s do this OK? I will ask you five questions about yourself and then you write back with the answers and five questions about me.
Here are some questions.
1. Where were you born?
2. Do you have any nicknames?
3. What do you like to do on a date?
4. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
5. Would you help the roadrunner escape from the coyote or help the coyote catch the roadrunner?
Write back!
Joy
This is a confounding woman. She has gotten no better at grammar, and I may have to prepare myself for the possibility that she never will. But she also asks really good, although random, questions.
I will have to think about this for a while.
– • –
After dinner—a Banquet roast-beef-and-potatoes frozen meal—I write back.
Joy:
You ask really good questions.
1. I was born here in Billings on January 9, 1969.
2. My mother used to call me Teddy when I was a little boy, but I prefer Edward.
3. I think I would like to see a movie on a date. I like movies. Also, if you eat dinner after the movie, you have something to talk about.
4. I am my parents’ only child.
5. I’m not sure why this matters, but it seems to me that the roadrunner needs no help in escaping the coyote—that’s the whole point of the cartoon, that the coyote never wins. I suppose I would help the coyote, although what I would really like to do is be the guy who invents things for Acme.
Here are five questions for you:
1. How many online dates have you been on?
2. What is your favorite season?
3. Do you watch
Dragnet
?
If so, what is your favorite episode?
4. What music do you like?
5. Where do you go on vacation?
Regards,
Edward
At 10:00 p.m. sharp, I sit down for my nightly
Dragnet
episode. Tonight, I am watching the twenty-fourth episode of the fourth and final season, “Robbery: The Harassing Wife.” It originally aired on April 2, 1970, and it is one of my favorites.
In this one, an ex-convict named John Sawyer—played by Herbert Ellis, who appeared in three of the color episodes—is repeatedly accused by his bitter, estranged wife of committing robberies. Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon, having to take seriously allegations against an ex-convict, repeatedly investigate John Sawyer and conclude that he did not commit the crimes he has been accused of doing.
Finally, John Sawyer does commit a robbery, thinking that Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon won’t believe that he did it, since his wife’s stories are not panning out. This is a grave miscalculation on his part, because Sergeant Joe Friday always gets his man.
Once John Sawyer is in custody, his wife gets very angry with Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon for
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